Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, the power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts. Salman RushdieSunday, a day to relax. To recoup. To regroup and refresh.
Yesterday we finished the interview for my part of the documentary as well as some shots of Ellie and me and me just doing things. Ellie has become a part of the film story, which she always was in real life.
And she's a ham.
It's as if she knows the camera likes her to look extra cute and so she prances and preens, smiles and leaps around just for the camera.
And I am tired.
One of the questions the director asked was, "Why is it hard for you to tell this story."
And it is.
I had several answers -- don't like to look dumb. don't like talking about how I hurt the people I love most. Don't like not having control.
And, the answer that surprised me, "I don't like being a victim."
And I was.
CZBZ posted a comment yesterday that rang so true my heart reverberated against her words humming through cyberspace.
"OH Louise! I remember when we first met in cyberspace. We were each struggling with a serious life crisis, letting go of excruciating self-blame and moving into personal responsibility.
I watched you grow and you've watched me grow and hopefully, we'll remain part of one another's life for years to come.
It has been inspirational watching you restore your life while maintaining concern for other people.
Wanting to help.
Wanting to share.
Wanting to show people how to avoid similar mistakes in their own lives.
You know, a lot of people would crawl away, never thinking about what happened. Erasing it from their memory. They would be fearful of being so open and honest.
They silence a part of themselves.
I encounter this quite often (perhaps you do, too). People fear admitting to others that they made a mistake. Well gee, human beings make lots of mistakes. It's not the mistake, it's what we do afterwards that defines our character, don't you think?
Not that it's easy to admit we were foolish or idealistic or naive or maybe been stoopid---speaking of myself here!
But denying we are those things (or did those things) is like erasing a part of ourselves."
I can't deny I did those things.
I also can't deny he victimized me.
And, in the end, I have won my life back. I have restored myself.
The Director said, there will be those who judge you.
Reality is, no one will ever judge me harsher than I judged myself. And no one can restore my life, my happiness, self-esteem, belief in myself and my being One with myself and the Universe.
No one can do that for me.
I must heal me. I must use the story to create a better world. In telling this story, in all its gruesome and not so pretty-me moments, I am not allowing myself to be victimized. I am not letting the story use me and abuse me.
I am free.