A Family Reunion

I heard a man's heart break last night. I heard it crack and splinter as blood flowed and love descended into the open spaces filling it with sorrow and joy, juxtaposed on the regret of time lost when two brothers lost touch.

And then they touched.

Thirty-two years later. They touched. Hugged. And cried together.

TP met his brother last night. Met his brother and two nephews and tears flowed and these four men leaped across the void of time lost not knowing where each other had gone. (I wrote about the brother's contact earlier this week, here.)

It was a beautiful sight.

Years ago, I yearned for my father to have such an experience. I was in my early forties when I learned I had an aunt I did not know.

My eldest sister called. "So, what do you think of dad's sister?"

"Dad doesn't have a sister," I replied.

"He does now," she told me.

I phoned my father. "So, who's Evelyn," I asked.

"My sister," he promptly replied.

"Um, and where has she been all these years?"

"In England. Where she always was," he said. And that was that. End of subject. End of the discussion about this sister whom none of we four children had ever known existed.

Over the next two years, bits and pieces of the story would emerge. He was nine, she was seven when their parents divorced. She may have been 'the cause' of the divorce. An affair. An offspring who's parentage might not have been my grandfather's. No one is sure. So much is conjecture. What we know -- when my father's parents divorced they shipped him across the Atlantic, all alone, where he was met in Montreal by a stranger, placed upon a train and deposited another 3,000 miles away at a Jesuit school in Gravelburg Saskatchewan.

The sister stayed with her mother. The mother remarried. The daughter, my father's sister grew up, married and never had children. As she entered her sixties she wanted to find her only family in the world, the brother she'd lost long ago. She sent a letter to the RAF veteran's affairs who didn't know where he was but did know after serving in the RAF had joined the RCAF. They forwarded the letter to the RCAF (Royal Canadian Air Force) who did know where my father was. They sent him the letter and one day my father called. His sister.

Fifty-plus years after they were separated, they spoke on the phone for the first time.

For the next two years they would argue across trans-Atlantic lines about who would go see whom.

"She needs to come see me," my father told me. "She's the one who came looking."

"Does it matter?" I asked. "Don't you want to meet her after all this time? I know I do."

We'd always believed my father was an only child. We'd never met our paternal grandmother. Had only encountered our grandfather a couple of times, briefly, on journeys across Canada. Once I remember clearly. We were in Montreal. He came to our hotel room. There was heat. And anger. And confusion. I don't remember much else other than that he disappeared with my father and I never saw him again. Nothing was ever said about that visit, ever again, either.

My father was a stubborn man. But slowly, over those two years of speaking with his sister occasionally on the phone, he began to relent, to soften his position. He was 'thinking' about going to see his sister in England.

And then, late one Sunday night, the doorbell rang at my parents home and two RCMP officers stood at their front door.

"Are you Louis Gallagher," one asked.

And my father said yes and the officer replied, "I'm sorry to tell you there's been an accident. Your sister has fallen and died."

And they never got to meet. This brother and sister who were separated as children for no reason other than the adults in their lives could not give them what they needed most, their family union. In that moment of his sister's fall and death, all hope died of their ever getting to feel their hearts breaking wide open, ice melting, years flowing together into that one moment of reunion when what separated them meant nothing compared to what was meant to bring them together throughout their lives. Family. Love. Connection. Unity.

TP met his brother last night after thirty-two years apart.

I am grateful.

I have walked away (a poem)

The prompt was: Write a poem of love gone wrong.

Wondering when or how can love go wrong, when Love is all there is, I thought, I'll write a poem of how wrong I have been in love, knowing, there is never wrong in love, only poor timing, poor judgment, poor sight.

There is never wrong in Love for there is only Love in Love. The rest is just being human.

I Have Walked Away
© Louise Gallagher 2011

I have loved
affairs
of the heart
broken down into pieces
like tiny petals of a daisy
white
pulled from the centre
where the heart
of what's the matter
lies tossed out
upon a marriage bed
of believing
he loves me
when he loves me not.

I have cried
pleading
for another chance
to be
loved
as I want to be
pulled into the vortex
of my lover's arms
wide open
holding me
safe
upon a marriage bed
where promises of love
forever more
held me silent
in the face of danger
rising
to embrace me.

I have walked
away
never looking back
to see
his figure
retreating
in the mists of love
gone wrong
gone bad
gone anywhere
but happily ever after.

I have walked away
and never looked back
knowing
in that backwards glance
I risk
turning back
and never having
the love I want.

The Key of Joy

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? Albert Camus

Yesterday, my lovely friend BA added a link to her comment on my blog. It is so beautiful and powerful, I wanted to ensure everyone saw it. So, I'm including it at the end of today's blog.

Before meditation last night I met a friend for tea. One of the comments he made set me to wondering -- really? Is that true?

All humans seek is validation, he said. It is our primal need. A universal truth.

Really, I wondered?

Later, in meditation, his statement slipped into my consciousness. Validation. I validate you. you validate me. Life is about validating each other. Am I real if you do not validate me? Do I exist without your validation -- or my own validation?

Our theme for last night's meditation was Aries and our Christ-like impulse for rebirth. In the pre-meditation instructions, Del, our guide, read the following:

Aries coincides with the Easter Festival, the great Christian festival of rebirth. The Crucifixion experience was meant to demonstrate the reality of “life more abundant”, not the focus upon death that has characterised the church’s interpretation of the event. The keynote of the new age understanding of this festival will be upon resurrection, symbolising the precipitation on Earth of a new kingdom in which all will be free from death and released from the cross of matter. Christ came to show us the nature of the “saved life”, to demonstrate the quality of the eternal self which is in everyone. And the lesson of the Crucifixion and the Resurrection is that the lower nature must die in order that the higher may manifest, and the eternal immortal soul must rise from the tomb of matter.
Each year at this festival there arises the restoration and renewal of all life in all human hearts. “I come forth and from the plane of mind, I rule.” .

At one point during practice, I saw myself running in the desert. Scattered all around me I saw the many facets of me I believed I needed to gather and reintegrate. I was so scared these many parts of me would escape, that I would never be able to collect all of them, that I would never be whole, I kept chasing after them. And then, a voice whispered. Stand still. Be still. Still your fears. Allow. Allow integration to happen. Allow life. Allow rebirth. Allow.

I stood. Still.
Still
I feared.
I feared there would be nothing.
I would be nothing more than this fragmented being running after herself.

I let the fires of fear consume me. And in their consumption I felt myself become whole. Complete. One.

Ah, the voice whispered. You fear you do not exist. You fear you exist.

The duality exists.

With or without your fears.

Fear not.

The duality exists. Your existence on this human plane is but a nano-second of your eternal existence on your soul-full being. You are whole. You have always been whole. Wholeness becomes you.

And I breathed and for one exquisite moment felt the deep knowing of my soul's journey. Felt it rising up within me, around me, of me.

And in that moment I knew, fear is just part of this human journey. Fear is just a human emotion. Like trust and hope and anticipation. Human, all of it.

With or without fear. With or without validation, we are all participating in this human experiment called, life on earth. We are the subject of our experimentation. We are the object of our lives. Whether we fear, or not, is optional. We are here to live this one wild and precious moment in the rapture of now. It is why we're here.

Never, do I need to fear it.

always do I need to live it. Experience it. Express it. Evolve through it.

And in the process, I get to choose -- happiness. Or not. In the way I lead my life. I get to choose harmony, or discord. It is always, my choice in how I live the moment.

Me, I'm choosing joy today. right now in the moment of now. Whatever is happening, I choose to experience it in the key of Joy.

Nameste.

Brand new day

It's gone. The designer has tweaked the last detail. I've redlined the last edit. though... at 4am I did hit my computer keyboard and make a few additional changes to the last piece in the book. Colour me crazy!

Gosh. Perfection is so hard to achieve!

it is now what it is. Whether or not my 4am changes can make the press will be seen. I'm counting on them being there though -- you know. They really do make it all better :)!

And now I've got to get running for a presentation at 8am. I know. I know. Balance. I promised.

tomorrow. tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will start working on balance.

Stop! What about right now! What about getting it in the works starting now?

Right. I will go to my 8am presentation. Meet the reporter I have to meet at 9:30. Proof the video we're working on for the Volunteer Appreciation on Friday and...

See what I mean.

I'm laughing as I type this. I'm so predictable! Balance is not my forte, but, then again, maybe this is balance in my life. This is balance as it appears for me.

Gotta think on that one.

In the meantime, gotta run. I've just spent two hours tweaking the last piece in the book, along with editing one of my daughter's final essays and writing C.C. a love note.

See, I have balance. It just comes in the middle of the night.

Still smiling. Still running into my day, arms wide open, greeting all that comes with anticipation, expecting the unexpected and not being disappinted.

It's a brand new day!

And because it is, a brand new day, here's a great song to get your day shining with anticipation

Sting -- Brand New Day (there's a brief ad at the beginning -- it's worth it to get to the song)

A family reunited

I notice the same number has called a couple of times on my cellphone. I've been in a meeting most of the morning regarding the book and launch events planned for May 4 and did not take my cell. When I listen to the caller's message, I feel the tears.

TP is dying of cancer. Throughout his life he's had very little contact with his siblings. In fact, since his father kicked him out at age 8, he's had no contact with him. The caller in this instance is TPs eldest brother's wife.

"We've been looking for him for thirty years," she tells me when I call back. "Finally, last night, a really nice staff member there connected them and they talked. My husband is over-whelmed and is coming to see TP. Will he be okay until Friday?"

I reassure her that at this moment in time the prognosis is he will and assure her that I will let her know if anything changes.

"He's bringing our two sons with him," she adds, her voice clogged with tears. "They've never met their uncle."

I go to see TP in his room on the fourth floor. It's quiet there during the day. The floor isn't open to clients. Our funding doesn't provide for staffing of the sleeping floors during the day, other than Day Sleep on the third floor -- for those who have a medical certificate or job confirmation for night work. To ease TPs journey, we have given him a panic button and made it possible for him to be on the floor during the day.

TP is resting, watching a movie on a DVD player. "I just had a chat with your sister in law," I tell him.

He smiles a little grin. "Yeah. My brother's coming to see me. Driving all the way from," and he names a city several hours to the east of Calgary.

I sit beside him and we chat of mundane things. He asks me how the book is coming along, what's the deadline. Will I be happy to see it finished.

"Yes. I will," I tell him. "I'm hoping it gives me a chance to put some balance back in my life."

He laughs. "Louise. I've never known you to not be busy. Why change now?"

I smile in return. "Because I want to. Because you've taught me I can."

His eyes squint into tiny slits. His mouth purses. He takes a deep breath.

"You know, I didn't have a falling out with my siblings. It was always about my dad."

I nod my head and keep listening.

"My brother said they have been looking for me for 30 years. Even knew where I was working seismic. When I was hauling horses." He pauses and laughs. "Always said you had to be two steps in front of me if you wanted to catch me."

"I'm glad they've caught up with you now," I reply.

He breathes deeply again. "Yeah. Guess I finally slowed down enough to get caught."

This Friday TP and his brother will be reunited. He will meet his nephews for the first time. His sister-in-law's father saw the article in the Calgary Herald last week and sent it along with a message, You have to read this.

His sister-in-law sent me an email later in the afternoon. "I can't tell you how much this visit is affecting my husband. He can hardly wait to hug his brother!!"

Two brother's hug for the first time in 30 years. Two young men meet their uncle for the first time in their lives.

A family reunites. The circle of love that was broken long ago is reconnected.

All is well in the world today.

I am grateful.

Gratitude prayer

When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly. Patrick Overton

... And either way, something amazing will happen. Because the edge of light turning to darkness is always there. Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection writes: The dark does not destroy the light: it defines it. It is our fear of the dark that casts it into the shadows.

Ask yourself, did I awake this morning and immediately think, "I'm tired." "I didn't get enough sleep." "I don't want to get up."

Or, did you awake and thank the night for the darkness of sleep?

Did you greet the day fretting of all you have to do, worrying about not enough time to get it all done?

Or, did you embrace the time you have, acknowledging gratefully that your day is filled with moments for you to enjoy exciting, wonderful work and play and that you have all the time you need to live it up?

Lynn Twist in The Soul of Money writes:

We each have the choice in any setting to step back and let go of the mind-set of scarcity. Once we let go of scarcity, we discover the surprising truth of sufficiency. By sufficiency, I don't mean a quantity of anything. Sufficiency isn't two steps up from poverty or one step short of abundance. It isn't a measure of barely enough or more than enough. Sufficiency isn't an amount at all. It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough and that we are enough.

Sufficiency resides inside of each of us, and we can call it forward. It is a consciousness, an attention, an intentional choosing of the way we think of our circumstances.

Our fear of never having enough, doing enough, being enough keeps us from seeing the 'enough' we have. We are a society of having to 'do more'. Be thinner. Get richer. Grow up. Dig in. Root out... we keep looking for more, not seeing what we've got is all we need to live in the moment, living fearlessly in what we have.

We keep looking to do more and have more without realizing, what we have is sufficient. It is enough to give us joy and happiness. We are enough to be okay, just the way we are.

The darkness frightens us because we fear living in the light.

My goal for today -- embrace everything before me with love and gratitude. To fill my heart with joy I must fill my thoughts with thankfulness for what is before me and around me and within me.

I am so excited. I received the next to final proof of the book, WHERE, last night. Today, I am grateful for the opportunity to edit and review each page, thankful for the creativity that went into its creation. Thankful for those who have shared their gifts so generously to make it happen.

Today, I will live in the light, thanking the darkness for the night that has given me rest so that I can have the energy and peace of mind I need to go to the edge and fly.

My prayer for today is: Thank you! I give enough. I have enough. I do enough. I am enough.

May you live your day filled with gratitude. May your day unfold in joy.

Relaxing Sunday

Sunday morning quiet. 'the book' is off at the graphic designer's for another cut at it. I should be getting a PDF back today. Another run through. Meeting tomorrow to go over final changes/layout/edits (only minor need apply) and then.... one last PDF. One last proof and Wednesday morning it is off to the printer.

Whew!

I was telling my daughters last night that one of the things I've loved most about working on this book is the team. there are five of us. Myself, a co-worker, Jordan, the two photographers, christina (plus) nathan and the graphic designer, Rebecca. We each feel connected to this project. Connected and committed. The two photographers have donated countless hours coming to the shelter to take photos over the past six months. They've set up lights and taken 'Mona Lisa' shots of staff and clients and volunteers. They've chatted with clients, getting to know their stories before taking a perfect shot that reflects their humanity and their uniqueness.

Rebecca has translated an idea and hundreds of words and photos into concrete beauty on the page. She's created a visual space for each photograph to sing and for the words to resonate in hearts and minds.

Jordan, who is the Volunteer Coordinator and PR Assistant at the shelter, has created sanity in a sometimes insane process. He's pulled together threads of ideas, set-up photography sessions and ensured the details keep getting crossed off so that the final product becomes a reality without any missing pieces.

As a team, we have gelled together, laughed and flipped pages, teased and turned to another photo. We've spent hours at Bumphy's and at the Good Earth, crowded around a table, checking out Rebecca's laptop screen as she's shown us design alternatives. We've touched the screen of Christina's IPad and voted into the book, or off the page, the shots that speak to us or not. And we've done it all collaboratively, without one person feeling left out, vetoed or criticised.

it was been a dream team to work with.

Tomorrow, we will meet in the multi-purpose room on the sixth floor of the shelter where all 124 pages of the book will be laid out. We will juggle pages, balance text and colour and feel. We will do it all and in the end we will know,

Job Well Done.

These past two weeks have been particularly hectic as the 'end' has neared. Doing the creative work of writing for some of the words that were missing their meaning simply couldn't/didn't happen while I was at work. Not enough space to think clearly, to feel the muse calling, to hear the rhythm of the words flowing. I've had to do it at home and so, after working all day, I'd come home, take Ellie for a walk to clear my head, and then, pour myself a glass (just one glass because more diffuses the muse), I'd grab my laptop and wine and crawl into bed or sit on the settee in our bedroom and I would write and edit and flow into the words.

It has been a wonderful process. Enervating and exhilarating all in one.

and hopefully, within the next week, I'll be creating balance in my life!

that's my goal! that's my dream! And I can make it happen!

nameste.