I believe we come into this world in love. No matter the circumstances of that moment of insemination, it is predicated on an act of love, even when the human beings involved cannot feel it.
No matter the science behind the gestational journey, there is something miraculous and infinitely mysterious about one tiny sperm in a million careening into an egg, splitting it open and planting the seed of life. There are so many possibilities within its genetic code for it to create the same old, same old model of a human being and yet, billions of times over, it produces a unique human being of infinite possibilities.
With our possibilities, and our uniqueness intact, we emerge into the world and begin the journey of our human condition. Along the way, we may lose that spark of infinite possibility of our birth. We may lose our sense of wonder and awe in the miracle of our lives. Not because someone stole it from us, but rather, because they too didn't recognize the miracle of who they are. In their blindness they could not see that we were a miracle, just like them.
Denied of our birthright, we begin the journey of our lifetimes, continually seeking for what it is we do not know we have lost. In our confusion, we feel the unnameable pain of what it is we believe is missing from our lives. We grieve the loss of the miracle we cannot see is ours because we do not recognize we were born with the beauty and magnificence of who we are. In our sorrow, we seek comfort out there, somewhere in the world. We seek an ending to our pain in addictions, in rage, in possessions, in money, in someone else's arms, in self-abuse. We are creative souls and in our creativity, we seek for what we want in countless ways we could never imagine.
In our fear of facing the truth within us, we dare not look within ourselves for what is missing. We are complex beings. Life is hard, we tell ourselves. It cannot be that simple. It cannot be that easy. We tell ourselves we come into this world as incomlete beings. Our journey is to complete ourselves and then we lose ourselves in the pain of not knowing where to look. To explain away why we are lost, we label our confusion. We call ourselves puzzles. Tough nuts to crack. Marshmallows, hard as rock, weak as babies. We get creative with the words we use to hide behind and stumble into the darkness of never being able to find the spark of light that will guide us into the completeness we have always possessed. In our despair we try to kill off our hope of ever being anything other than who we are in our pain and sorrow.
No matter how hard the road beneath us, however, no matter how many hard knocks we have taken on the journey to now, there is a spark within each of us that never dies.
It is the spark of hope.
There is no wind that can extinguish it. No breath that can blow it out. As long as we are alive, no matter how shallow our breath, no matter the depth of our despair, that spark of hope is always alive within us.
We are miracles of life and nothing can destroy a miracle. Not even death.
Every day in the Choices seminar room I witness someone awaken to the truth that they are not hopeless. Every day I witness someone embrace the truth that their past has already been lived. They can't get it back. They can't conjure up a different story of what happened or who they were. And in the realization that all hope of a better past must rest in peace, they awaken to the realization that there is always hope for a new tomorrow when they start living today for all they're worth.
Choices is not the miracle, it is the vessel of hope into which we fall when we surrender our defenses to being all we're meant to be. The people in that room are miracles. Every single one of them. In all their woundedness. Despair, loss, sorrow, pain. We are, each and everyone of us, a miracle of life unfolding in hope, faith and love.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Being mistaken
When I was a little girl there was a story told about how my father lost a case of beer and twenty dollars because I was a girl. My mother wanted me to be born on December 8 and I popped into the world a few minutes after midnight on December 9. My mother still asks me, "Why can't you be like your sisters. What is wrong with you?" She doesn't mean me harm. She is just in the habit of asking the question.
Throughout my life, I've told the story of my father's loss many times. I've heard my mother's questions and always replied, 'Because I'm me.' I've laughed about it and yet, in my heart, pain grew. I didn't want to be unwanted or criticized for being different. I didn't want to be the cause of my father's disappointment. And, I didn't want to cause my mother pain by being me, I wanted to give her joy because I am me.
On Thursday night at Choices, I was speaking with Joe, (facilitator at Choices) about how in that room with the coaches, I feel so incredibly accepted. A very foreign place for me I told him. Never knew what that felt like in the past. Always felt like an outsider in my family. Different. Not the same. Other than. I told him how I'd always kept myself apart. Always appeared to be part of the group, but most often stood on the periphery, watching, observing, taking it in, acting like I was participating but always holding something of 'me' back.
"I'm a writer," I told him. "Writer's observe."
"What has that cost you?" Joe asked me.
"The thing I've said I want most in life," I told him. "Intimacy."
Within me is a core belief, a message, a tape I tell myself unconsciously, over and over again, particularly in times of stress. It stems from what I 'heard' in the story of my father's loss when I was born, my mother's disappointment in the date of my birth, in her questionning of why I was different, why I was 'me'.
It is not a message they wanted me to have. It is not a story they meant to give me or intentionally told me to cause me pain. They only meant to love me. And they did, the best way they knew how. But those stories, those questions became part of my life tapestry, part of the warp and weave of the stories I told myself about me. As a child, I was too young to understand that those stories were not about 'me' but rather, stories about the world around me. I couldn't make sense of them and was too frightened to ask for help so I took the stories in and held them close like a child clutching her security blanket. Those stories told me who I was. I couldn't let them go because I didn't know how to be any different. As an adult, I unwittingly cultivated the stories, nurtured them, lived them because I wanted to understand what was so wrong with me that nobody wanted me to be me. It must be my fault I can't be me, I told myself as I kept trying to figure out the answer by proving the question right.
To avoid my confusion and pain, deep within me I bought into the big lie, Nobody wants me. I am a mistake.
In acknowledging that lie exists within me, I can see where I have played it out again and again in my life, continually dishonouring my gifts, my talents, my uniqueness, because I thought 'me as me' was the mistake. Nobody, including myself, wanted me to be me.
Because I didn't believe I was supposed to be me, I tried in countless situations to be someone who I wasn't. I kept trying to walk in someone else's footprints, behind someone else's shadow because I couldn't see my own light in the darkness of believing I was a mistake. And through it all, I didn't dare show my fear that someone would know I was playing a role I had no lines for. I didn't dare let them see, I was lost in looking for someone else to pull my strings so I could move freely on the stage of life.
To protect myself from my fear, I had to keep myself on the outside looking in. I had to hide my confusion, my angst behind an image of self-confidence because what I feared more than anything was that the tape was true. I was a mistake. Nobody wanted me.
The beauty and gift of Choices is, I can hear and see and feel that tape today and know, it is The Lie.
In having spent my life trying to fix the mistake that was me, today I get to celebrate the incredible joy of being mistaken.
I am not a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes. I am a gift. A blessing in the world. A unique voice like no other. A miracle of life.
We all are.
The question is: What tapes do you play in your head that keep you from experiencing the wonder and joy of who you are? What lies do you tell yourself about yourself that limit the awesome breadth of your wingspan?
Throughout my life, I've told the story of my father's loss many times. I've heard my mother's questions and always replied, 'Because I'm me.' I've laughed about it and yet, in my heart, pain grew. I didn't want to be unwanted or criticized for being different. I didn't want to be the cause of my father's disappointment. And, I didn't want to cause my mother pain by being me, I wanted to give her joy because I am me.
On Thursday night at Choices, I was speaking with Joe, (facilitator at Choices) about how in that room with the coaches, I feel so incredibly accepted. A very foreign place for me I told him. Never knew what that felt like in the past. Always felt like an outsider in my family. Different. Not the same. Other than. I told him how I'd always kept myself apart. Always appeared to be part of the group, but most often stood on the periphery, watching, observing, taking it in, acting like I was participating but always holding something of 'me' back.
"I'm a writer," I told him. "Writer's observe."
"What has that cost you?" Joe asked me.
"The thing I've said I want most in life," I told him. "Intimacy."
Within me is a core belief, a message, a tape I tell myself unconsciously, over and over again, particularly in times of stress. It stems from what I 'heard' in the story of my father's loss when I was born, my mother's disappointment in the date of my birth, in her questionning of why I was different, why I was 'me'.
It is not a message they wanted me to have. It is not a story they meant to give me or intentionally told me to cause me pain. They only meant to love me. And they did, the best way they knew how. But those stories, those questions became part of my life tapestry, part of the warp and weave of the stories I told myself about me. As a child, I was too young to understand that those stories were not about 'me' but rather, stories about the world around me. I couldn't make sense of them and was too frightened to ask for help so I took the stories in and held them close like a child clutching her security blanket. Those stories told me who I was. I couldn't let them go because I didn't know how to be any different. As an adult, I unwittingly cultivated the stories, nurtured them, lived them because I wanted to understand what was so wrong with me that nobody wanted me to be me. It must be my fault I can't be me, I told myself as I kept trying to figure out the answer by proving the question right.
To avoid my confusion and pain, deep within me I bought into the big lie, Nobody wants me. I am a mistake.
In acknowledging that lie exists within me, I can see where I have played it out again and again in my life, continually dishonouring my gifts, my talents, my uniqueness, because I thought 'me as me' was the mistake. Nobody, including myself, wanted me to be me.
Because I didn't believe I was supposed to be me, I tried in countless situations to be someone who I wasn't. I kept trying to walk in someone else's footprints, behind someone else's shadow because I couldn't see my own light in the darkness of believing I was a mistake. And through it all, I didn't dare show my fear that someone would know I was playing a role I had no lines for. I didn't dare let them see, I was lost in looking for someone else to pull my strings so I could move freely on the stage of life.
To protect myself from my fear, I had to keep myself on the outside looking in. I had to hide my confusion, my angst behind an image of self-confidence because what I feared more than anything was that the tape was true. I was a mistake. Nobody wanted me.
The beauty and gift of Choices is, I can hear and see and feel that tape today and know, it is The Lie.
In having spent my life trying to fix the mistake that was me, today I get to celebrate the incredible joy of being mistaken.
I am not a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes. I am a gift. A blessing in the world. A unique voice like no other. A miracle of life.
We all are.
The question is: What tapes do you play in your head that keep you from experiencing the wonder and joy of who you are? What lies do you tell yourself about yourself that limit the awesome breadth of your wingspan?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Blessings
One thing about Choices -- it's a time of short nights and fast sleeping.
I am off again this morning to coach -- and time is of the essence.
I did have a wow moment yesterday -- each coach is invited to say a few words about themselves, including how Choices has changed their life. For me -- I told the group that through Choices, my daughters and I have found the gift of forgiveness, healing and love. My life has been enriched tenfold -- and so, I give back by coaching.
I am truly blessed.
The question is: Have you given thanks for your blessings today?
I am off again this morning to coach -- and time is of the essence.
I did have a wow moment yesterday -- each coach is invited to say a few words about themselves, including how Choices has changed their life. For me -- I told the group that through Choices, my daughters and I have found the gift of forgiveness, healing and love. My life has been enriched tenfold -- and so, I give back by coaching.
I am truly blessed.
The question is: Have you given thanks for your blessings today?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The journey within
I am off coaching at Choices until Monday.
It is one of my very favourite things to do. When I took the program two years ago, I thought I was pretty well balanced on my road to well-being. And I was. What I didn't know, was.... what I didn't know. And that's what I keep learning at Choices. How much there is to learn about me, my interactions in life, my strengths -- and how my weaknesses can undermine my ability to live my life passionately and fearlessly.
Coaching at Choices gives me a chance to give back and to receive. It opens my eyes to the beauty of every soul, to the depth of every spirit and to the humanity in each and every one of us. And, it opens my heart to living life in love.
C.C. asked me the other day why I love to go back to coach, even though it costs me holiday time at work, and I don't get paid.
"But I do get paid," I told him. "I receive the most incredible gifts every time I coach. Not only do I get to be 'on purpose' the entire time I'm in the training room, I also get to learn more and more about me. In helping others discover their worth, I open myself up more and more to the beauty of my spirit, and to accepting myself exactly the way I am. That is the most incredible gift I could ever receive -- to love myself right here, right now, exactly the way I am, and to know -- if I'm not happy with something about me, I have the power to change it, to do it differently, to create a new story that reflects the value I hold in me."
There are billions of unexplored lives out there -- the universe is deep and wide, filled with unexplored territories, universes within universes. The universe that affects me most, however, is the one within me. That deep and mysterious place where I reside. There is so much more to me than meets my eye -- in exploring this unknown territory. In getting to know me, I am celebrating the wondrous gift of life that is mine.
We all have the capacity to journey within, to fall in love with the beauty and awe of who we are.
For me, to take this journey, I needed the tools that would help me let go of my fear that who I would find within would be someone I didn't want to know. Choices helped me develop those tools.
And so, for today and the next four days, I am off on an adventure. Helping others explore the wonder and beauty of the human being within.
May your days be filled with the joy of knowing, you are a magnificent human being. May you celebrate yourself in every thing you do, for all you're worth!
The question is: Do you believe you're worth it?
It is one of my very favourite things to do. When I took the program two years ago, I thought I was pretty well balanced on my road to well-being. And I was. What I didn't know, was.... what I didn't know. And that's what I keep learning at Choices. How much there is to learn about me, my interactions in life, my strengths -- and how my weaknesses can undermine my ability to live my life passionately and fearlessly.
Coaching at Choices gives me a chance to give back and to receive. It opens my eyes to the beauty of every soul, to the depth of every spirit and to the humanity in each and every one of us. And, it opens my heart to living life in love.
C.C. asked me the other day why I love to go back to coach, even though it costs me holiday time at work, and I don't get paid.
"But I do get paid," I told him. "I receive the most incredible gifts every time I coach. Not only do I get to be 'on purpose' the entire time I'm in the training room, I also get to learn more and more about me. In helping others discover their worth, I open myself up more and more to the beauty of my spirit, and to accepting myself exactly the way I am. That is the most incredible gift I could ever receive -- to love myself right here, right now, exactly the way I am, and to know -- if I'm not happy with something about me, I have the power to change it, to do it differently, to create a new story that reflects the value I hold in me."
There are billions of unexplored lives out there -- the universe is deep and wide, filled with unexplored territories, universes within universes. The universe that affects me most, however, is the one within me. That deep and mysterious place where I reside. There is so much more to me than meets my eye -- in exploring this unknown territory. In getting to know me, I am celebrating the wondrous gift of life that is mine.
We all have the capacity to journey within, to fall in love with the beauty and awe of who we are.
For me, to take this journey, I needed the tools that would help me let go of my fear that who I would find within would be someone I didn't want to know. Choices helped me develop those tools.
And so, for today and the next four days, I am off on an adventure. Helping others explore the wonder and beauty of the human being within.
May your days be filled with the joy of knowing, you are a magnificent human being. May you celebrate yourself in every thing you do, for all you're worth!
The question is: Do you believe you're worth it?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Focussed attention on what I do
Scientist, Jack Dixon, wrote, "If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results."
In my recent bout with ill-health, I lost 15 lbs. Last fall, I set a goal of losing 20 lbs, lost ten, gained five, and then kept saying I was going to lose more, and never did.
I wasn't focused on changing my health paradigm, I was simply focused on the number of pounds I said I wanted to lose.
In getting sick, I lost weight -- and now risk gaining it back unless I shift my paradigm and switch my focus from the numerical value of 'weight' to the concrete value of the changes I need to make in my health regimen to live a healthier life. Maintaining this weight is important, and I still have an an additional 10 pounds to get to my ideal weight. Most importantly, however, is to live the life of my dreams, I need to be fit, active and healthy.
There's more than just vanity at stake. My body works better when I carry less baggage. I feel better. I feel more confident, more balanced -- and most importantly, I feel healthier.
This morning when I awoke, I made a decision to shift my paradigm from a focus on losing weight, to a commitment to achieving good-health. I read a catchy phrase the other day I'm going to pin above my computer and on my fridge door: Think Smart, Eat Well and Move More! Being aware of my decision is the first step. Putting concrete action to work for me, will help me attain my goals -- and in the process achieve my desired results.
For today, rather than focussing on my end goal of losing weight, however, I'm going to focus on that phrase, Think Smart, Eat Well and Move More. And, I commit to change my habits, not weight. Three things I can do differently today are: 1. Use the stairs at work. 2. Drink more water. 3. Take Ellie for a walk this morning, and a longer walk this evening -- on leash. When I take her off-leash, she bounds about too much for her hips, and I don't walk as much. I'll do a neighbourhood explore -- see how many streets I can walk this week I've never walked before in this neighbourhood. I'll make it a game. Find out how many houses have.... black doors versus wood. Glass panel inserts. Not quite sure of the game but I know I can make one up that will add fun to our neighbourhood wanderings!
The question is: What do you focus on? What you want to get or on doing what you need to do to achieve your goals?
In my recent bout with ill-health, I lost 15 lbs. Last fall, I set a goal of losing 20 lbs, lost ten, gained five, and then kept saying I was going to lose more, and never did.
I wasn't focused on changing my health paradigm, I was simply focused on the number of pounds I said I wanted to lose.
In getting sick, I lost weight -- and now risk gaining it back unless I shift my paradigm and switch my focus from the numerical value of 'weight' to the concrete value of the changes I need to make in my health regimen to live a healthier life. Maintaining this weight is important, and I still have an an additional 10 pounds to get to my ideal weight. Most importantly, however, is to live the life of my dreams, I need to be fit, active and healthy.
There's more than just vanity at stake. My body works better when I carry less baggage. I feel better. I feel more confident, more balanced -- and most importantly, I feel healthier.
This morning when I awoke, I made a decision to shift my paradigm from a focus on losing weight, to a commitment to achieving good-health. I read a catchy phrase the other day I'm going to pin above my computer and on my fridge door: Think Smart, Eat Well and Move More! Being aware of my decision is the first step. Putting concrete action to work for me, will help me attain my goals -- and in the process achieve my desired results.
For today, rather than focussing on my end goal of losing weight, however, I'm going to focus on that phrase, Think Smart, Eat Well and Move More. And, I commit to change my habits, not weight. Three things I can do differently today are: 1. Use the stairs at work. 2. Drink more water. 3. Take Ellie for a walk this morning, and a longer walk this evening -- on leash. When I take her off-leash, she bounds about too much for her hips, and I don't walk as much. I'll do a neighbourhood explore -- see how many streets I can walk this week I've never walked before in this neighbourhood. I'll make it a game. Find out how many houses have.... black doors versus wood. Glass panel inserts. Not quite sure of the game but I know I can make one up that will add fun to our neighbourhood wanderings!
The question is: What do you focus on? What you want to get or on doing what you need to do to achieve your goals?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Breathing deeply
Yesterday, I did a cleanse in preparation for a colonoscopy today. Now that's fun!
Okay, so I'm kidding -- not about the cleanse, I had to do it. Just about the fun part.
But, there was a moment when my learnings from the experience of healing from my encounter with a psychopath came in handy.
Part of the cleanse is to drink 4 litres of a foul drink over a period of several hours. Each time I'd have to drink a glass, I'd gag. But, I had to do it.
Just like when I had to heal from his abuse long ago. In those first days and weeks of release from that relationship, my mind did not want to let go of the fear of him. I had to remind myself, that was then, this is now. He is in jail, thinking of him is all in your head. Breathe, and take this step forward. And I did.
The essence of my healing was, I have to do it for me. It may be hard, but it doesn't have to hurt. How I go through it is up to me. My choice. My experience.
Yesteray, each time I had to drink the cleanse liquid, I'd remind myself, I'm doing this for peace of mind. It is a necessary part of the procedure tomorrow. Balking at it is all in my head. Breathe and do it.
Four hours and four litres later, I was through the worst of it.
In life, there are always things we need to do but fear the thought of doing them. Fear is the construct our minds create to hold us back. Breathing through it, acknowledging we have the power to do it -- that keeps us free of fear.
And now I'm off to the hospital for the morning. I'm not looking forward to the procedure but I know I have the power within me to maintain my peace of mind. I know that by breathing deeply I will remain centered and calm because that is how I choose to go through this process.
I take a breath. Deep. In. Out. Breathe.
The question is: Are the choices you're making this morning ensuring you will journey through your day in harmony or discord? Are you remembering to breathe?
Okay, so I'm kidding -- not about the cleanse, I had to do it. Just about the fun part.
But, there was a moment when my learnings from the experience of healing from my encounter with a psychopath came in handy.
Part of the cleanse is to drink 4 litres of a foul drink over a period of several hours. Each time I'd have to drink a glass, I'd gag. But, I had to do it.
Just like when I had to heal from his abuse long ago. In those first days and weeks of release from that relationship, my mind did not want to let go of the fear of him. I had to remind myself, that was then, this is now. He is in jail, thinking of him is all in your head. Breathe, and take this step forward. And I did.
The essence of my healing was, I have to do it for me. It may be hard, but it doesn't have to hurt. How I go through it is up to me. My choice. My experience.
Yesteray, each time I had to drink the cleanse liquid, I'd remind myself, I'm doing this for peace of mind. It is a necessary part of the procedure tomorrow. Balking at it is all in my head. Breathe and do it.
Four hours and four litres later, I was through the worst of it.
In life, there are always things we need to do but fear the thought of doing them. Fear is the construct our minds create to hold us back. Breathing through it, acknowledging we have the power to do it -- that keeps us free of fear.
And now I'm off to the hospital for the morning. I'm not looking forward to the procedure but I know I have the power within me to maintain my peace of mind. I know that by breathing deeply I will remain centered and calm because that is how I choose to go through this process.
I take a breath. Deep. In. Out. Breathe.
The question is: Are the choices you're making this morning ensuring you will journey through your day in harmony or discord? Are you remembering to breathe?
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Awakening to hope
Chocolate frenzy Sunday.
Easter morning arrives steeped in religious significance.
And children scramble to unravel bunny lore in hope of finding chocolate eggs in the garden.
In pagan times, this weekend centered on the Saxon goddess Eastre, whose symbol was the Hare. The ancient spring festival was a time of rejoicing when it was believed that female and male energies were balanced. To ensure a bountiful spring, pagans honoured the gift of renewal this time of year represents and danced and sang in celebration.
I love the idea of renewal. That with everyday the opportunity to create anew awakens with each dawn. No matter the happenings of yesterday, today is a brand new day, a brand new opportunity. An unpainted canvas awaiting the paintbrush.
Author and historian, Barbara Kingsolver wrote, "The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof."
Living under the roof of hope, I aspire to a life of joy and contentment. Under the roof of hope, I live passionately and fearlessly. I cherish every moment knowing it is my best as I surrender and fall, in love.
This is Easter Sunday on the Christian calendar. A time of celebration. A time of reflection. A time to rejoice.
No matter the date on the calendar, or your spiritual belief, it is a day when hope spreads its wings and whispers a silent prayer of jubilation in honour of the wonder and joy of this day awakening to renewal.
I breathe deeply in the morning air. The birds twitter in the tree outside my window and spring awakens to the gentle warmth of the rising sun.
May your day be filled with blessings. May your soul sing a song of joy as hope fills your spirit and lifts you up.
Easter morning arrives steeped in religious significance.
And children scramble to unravel bunny lore in hope of finding chocolate eggs in the garden.
In pagan times, this weekend centered on the Saxon goddess Eastre, whose symbol was the Hare. The ancient spring festival was a time of rejoicing when it was believed that female and male energies were balanced. To ensure a bountiful spring, pagans honoured the gift of renewal this time of year represents and danced and sang in celebration.
I love the idea of renewal. That with everyday the opportunity to create anew awakens with each dawn. No matter the happenings of yesterday, today is a brand new day, a brand new opportunity. An unpainted canvas awaiting the paintbrush.
Author and historian, Barbara Kingsolver wrote, "The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof."
Living under the roof of hope, I aspire to a life of joy and contentment. Under the roof of hope, I live passionately and fearlessly. I cherish every moment knowing it is my best as I surrender and fall, in love.
This is Easter Sunday on the Christian calendar. A time of celebration. A time of reflection. A time to rejoice.
No matter the date on the calendar, or your spiritual belief, it is a day when hope spreads its wings and whispers a silent prayer of jubilation in honour of the wonder and joy of this day awakening to renewal.
I breathe deeply in the morning air. The birds twitter in the tree outside my window and spring awakens to the gentle warmth of the rising sun.
May your day be filled with blessings. May your soul sing a song of joy as hope fills your spirit and lifts you up.
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