My eldest daughter, Alexis, and I are coaching at Choices this week. Which means, early mornings, late, late nights. Last time, I still managed to write. This morning, I"m late.
I made the mistake of having a Chamomile tea before going to bed last night -- the mistake because, I have a reaction to Chamomile tea that causes my heart to start beating waaay too fast. Which, keeps me awake.
With 3 hours under my head, I chose not to get up at 5 as I'd intended.
So -- I leave you with a quote to think about: "Some people want it to happen, some wish it to happen, others make it happen." Author Unknown.
The question is: Are you wishing and waiting for your dreams to come true? Or, are you willing to BE committed to DO what it takes to HAVE what you want? Are you into your BE. DO. HAVE.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
My mother's gift
I have always struggled with my relationship with my mother. I've always felt that we were on different sides of our perspectives on life. And yet, I've always wanted my relationship with my mother to be different, to be more fulfilling, closer, more intimate.
I gave up on it ever being different many years ago. The frustration, the pain, the angst of trying to communicate in a way that honoured both of us just felt like too much work. I had a ton of excuses, a ton of little voices whispering in my ear that 'she will never see it my way anyway' and 'why bother, she's who she is and I'm who I am. Accept it will not change.'
At the Dale Carnegie course I'm taking, we were asked to make a commitment to work on one relationship in our lives that we wanted to improve. Using one (or more) of the first 9 principles of his teachings, we were asked to do something different.
I committed to working on my relationship with my mother.
Now, I have always judged my mother -- and she has always come up short in my judgements. Not because she is an awful person. She's not. My judgements were always based on my perceptions of her inability to meet my needs. They were always filtered through my sense of wanting and needing more than she could give.
Truth is, I am an adult. She cannot meet my needs. That responsibility is mine.
Carnegie's first principle is: Do not criticize, condemn or complain.
I've done a lot of that with my mother. And so, I decided to not criticize, condemn or complain about her, to simply let her be who she is.
My mother is 85. Her inherent nature is ... and as I start to write the word 'sad', I realize that perhaps that isn't true. Perhaps her nature was sunny, sweet, kind and gentle. It's just as life has battered her down, as she has succumbed to living in a world she does not understand, as she has struggled to deal with her losses, her changing circumstances, sadness has permeated her being.
On Monday night, my mother was at Thanksgiving dinner with us. I wasn't consciously doing anything different, but I did realize my 'edge' wasn't there in talking to my mother. I consciously employed another one of Carnegie's principles: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
Last night my mother called me. "I wanted to thank you for treating me so nicely last night," she said. "I felt loved by you. And I realized that if you could put energy into treating me differently, I could do the same."
Now, my first reaction was to look for the 'catch'. Okay, so where's this going, what's she up to? I remembered Carnegie's first principle. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
What if I simply accept her words at face value and don't go looking for ulterior motives? What if, I let my judgements go and simply accept her words as the compliment they are.
My mother's first language is not English. Sometimes, she says things in ways that come out backwards, or that negate what she said. In her appreciation last night, she had stated one sentence that really irked me. That phrase had the potential to wipe out her words of gratitude.
My normal response would be to focus on that phrase and ignore the sentiment behind her words.
Last night, I chose to ignore my ire and focus on the sentiment. My mother had done something she's never done before. She phoned to tell me something positive about the way I treated her.
That's a gift.
I accepted the gift and let the rest go.
It is my choice. I can be gracious and choose to create harmony, or, I can take umbrage and choose to create discord.
The question is: What do you choose to create in your life? Where are you closing the door to possibility through criticising, condemning and complaining about the world around you?
I gave up on it ever being different many years ago. The frustration, the pain, the angst of trying to communicate in a way that honoured both of us just felt like too much work. I had a ton of excuses, a ton of little voices whispering in my ear that 'she will never see it my way anyway' and 'why bother, she's who she is and I'm who I am. Accept it will not change.'
At the Dale Carnegie course I'm taking, we were asked to make a commitment to work on one relationship in our lives that we wanted to improve. Using one (or more) of the first 9 principles of his teachings, we were asked to do something different.
I committed to working on my relationship with my mother.
Now, I have always judged my mother -- and she has always come up short in my judgements. Not because she is an awful person. She's not. My judgements were always based on my perceptions of her inability to meet my needs. They were always filtered through my sense of wanting and needing more than she could give.
Truth is, I am an adult. She cannot meet my needs. That responsibility is mine.
Carnegie's first principle is: Do not criticize, condemn or complain.
I've done a lot of that with my mother. And so, I decided to not criticize, condemn or complain about her, to simply let her be who she is.
My mother is 85. Her inherent nature is ... and as I start to write the word 'sad', I realize that perhaps that isn't true. Perhaps her nature was sunny, sweet, kind and gentle. It's just as life has battered her down, as she has succumbed to living in a world she does not understand, as she has struggled to deal with her losses, her changing circumstances, sadness has permeated her being.
On Monday night, my mother was at Thanksgiving dinner with us. I wasn't consciously doing anything different, but I did realize my 'edge' wasn't there in talking to my mother. I consciously employed another one of Carnegie's principles: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
Last night my mother called me. "I wanted to thank you for treating me so nicely last night," she said. "I felt loved by you. And I realized that if you could put energy into treating me differently, I could do the same."
Now, my first reaction was to look for the 'catch'. Okay, so where's this going, what's she up to? I remembered Carnegie's first principle. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
What if I simply accept her words at face value and don't go looking for ulterior motives? What if, I let my judgements go and simply accept her words as the compliment they are.
My mother's first language is not English. Sometimes, she says things in ways that come out backwards, or that negate what she said. In her appreciation last night, she had stated one sentence that really irked me. That phrase had the potential to wipe out her words of gratitude.
My normal response would be to focus on that phrase and ignore the sentiment behind her words.
Last night, I chose to ignore my ire and focus on the sentiment. My mother had done something she's never done before. She phoned to tell me something positive about the way I treated her.
That's a gift.
I accepted the gift and let the rest go.
It is my choice. I can be gracious and choose to create harmony, or, I can take umbrage and choose to create discord.
The question is: What do you choose to create in your life? Where are you closing the door to possibility through criticising, condemning and complaining about the world around you?
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
I am complete
Morning hesitates, somewhere on the eastern horizon, waiting for the right moment to burst forth and spread light upon the sleeping world. My coffee tastes extra good today. Divine. Warm. Liquid honey.
We shared Thanksgiving dinner last night at my sister's. My daughters, their boyfriends, my sister's husband, my mother, and C.C. He had arrived back mid-afternoon. He'd caught an earlier flight than he'd originally booked, but still later than the crack of dawn one he'd thought he'd catch before the wedding celebrations he'd attended led him into tasting Scotch late at night with a couple of buddies.
Old friends. New friends. Hellos and Good-byes. Wedding bells and new beginnings. Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something blue. We both had weddings this weekend we needed to be at. We both met up with old friends, new acquaintances and then we met each other at the airport.
Airports. The opening scene of "Love Actually" shows families and friends, children and old folk greeting one another at an airport. It's one of the most beautiful scenes of friendship and love I've ever witnessed created in the medium of film.
Meeting C.C. felt like that. A coming home. A slipping into. An anticipation. A surprising feeling of having missed someone enough that when you see them, your spirits lift and the world brightens with a momentary flash of recognition. A kiss. A hello. A welcoming.
Life changes every day. Someone walks in and space widens up to encompass their presence. It's not a making room so much as a fitting in, a shifting of time and space to embrace the possibility of what can be when two people recognize that indefinable presence within each of them that awakens at the sight of the other.
In Plato's, Symposium, the dinner guests are invited to tell a story about love. He tells the story of the world at the beginning of time when humans were androgynous beings connected along their spine's, one half looking forward, the other looking back, always in balance, always weighing equally which direction they would go. One day, the humans decided to topple the gods. Zeus, hearing about their plot, sent Apollo to earth to rip them asunder. Ever since that time, writes Plato, we humans have spent our destiny searching for our missing half, our soul mate, the other part of our beings.
When we meet someone special, there is always that wondering, are you him? Are you my missing soul mate? Are you the part of me that was torn asunder long ago?
Yet, speculation and wondering of who are you in my life, can keep me from seeing who the other person is in his or her life. It can blind me to who they are without the filter of my perceptions making them into who I want them to be. The truth is, when I look for another to complete me, I am always at risk of meeting someone who will want to finish me off on the dark side.
No man can make me complete. No man can fulfill my missing parts -- not because it's an impossible task. But rather, because, I am whole. I am complete, exactly the way I am. My flaws are part of my beauty. My weaknesses are part of my strengths. Accepting who I am, exactly the way I am, leaves me free to be all of me, with or without a man in my life.
With C.C., I am learning to stay whole in relationship. With others, I always gave away big parts of me to fit into their lives, to make myself fit someone else's needs. Because my needs were not clearly defined and my wants went unexpressed, I lived in the shadows of someone else's life. This time, I get to live in the light of my light sharing the glow from someone else's.
I'm growing. Shifting. Expanding. Learning.
What a wonderful gift on a Tuesday morning the week following Thanksgiving. I am complete, exactly the way I am. I am grateful.
The question is: Do you recognize your completeness exactly the way you are, or are you searching for missing pieces, somewhere out there, without seeing the truth within you? Are you missing seeing your beauty, warts and all?
We shared Thanksgiving dinner last night at my sister's. My daughters, their boyfriends, my sister's husband, my mother, and C.C. He had arrived back mid-afternoon. He'd caught an earlier flight than he'd originally booked, but still later than the crack of dawn one he'd thought he'd catch before the wedding celebrations he'd attended led him into tasting Scotch late at night with a couple of buddies.
Old friends. New friends. Hellos and Good-byes. Wedding bells and new beginnings. Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something blue. We both had weddings this weekend we needed to be at. We both met up with old friends, new acquaintances and then we met each other at the airport.
Airports. The opening scene of "Love Actually" shows families and friends, children and old folk greeting one another at an airport. It's one of the most beautiful scenes of friendship and love I've ever witnessed created in the medium of film.
Meeting C.C. felt like that. A coming home. A slipping into. An anticipation. A surprising feeling of having missed someone enough that when you see them, your spirits lift and the world brightens with a momentary flash of recognition. A kiss. A hello. A welcoming.
Life changes every day. Someone walks in and space widens up to encompass their presence. It's not a making room so much as a fitting in, a shifting of time and space to embrace the possibility of what can be when two people recognize that indefinable presence within each of them that awakens at the sight of the other.
In Plato's, Symposium, the dinner guests are invited to tell a story about love. He tells the story of the world at the beginning of time when humans were androgynous beings connected along their spine's, one half looking forward, the other looking back, always in balance, always weighing equally which direction they would go. One day, the humans decided to topple the gods. Zeus, hearing about their plot, sent Apollo to earth to rip them asunder. Ever since that time, writes Plato, we humans have spent our destiny searching for our missing half, our soul mate, the other part of our beings.
When we meet someone special, there is always that wondering, are you him? Are you my missing soul mate? Are you the part of me that was torn asunder long ago?
Yet, speculation and wondering of who are you in my life, can keep me from seeing who the other person is in his or her life. It can blind me to who they are without the filter of my perceptions making them into who I want them to be. The truth is, when I look for another to complete me, I am always at risk of meeting someone who will want to finish me off on the dark side.
No man can make me complete. No man can fulfill my missing parts -- not because it's an impossible task. But rather, because, I am whole. I am complete, exactly the way I am. My flaws are part of my beauty. My weaknesses are part of my strengths. Accepting who I am, exactly the way I am, leaves me free to be all of me, with or without a man in my life.
With C.C., I am learning to stay whole in relationship. With others, I always gave away big parts of me to fit into their lives, to make myself fit someone else's needs. Because my needs were not clearly defined and my wants went unexpressed, I lived in the shadows of someone else's life. This time, I get to live in the light of my light sharing the glow from someone else's.
I'm growing. Shifting. Expanding. Learning.
What a wonderful gift on a Tuesday morning the week following Thanksgiving. I am complete, exactly the way I am. I am grateful.
The question is: Do you recognize your completeness exactly the way you are, or are you searching for missing pieces, somewhere out there, without seeing the truth within you? Are you missing seeing your beauty, warts and all?
Monday, October 8, 2007
The gift of a smile
Alexis, my eldest daughter, and I went on an adventure yesterday. We drove south of the city into the foothills of the Rockies. She wanted to go shopping for a pair of shoes. I wanted to spend time with my daughter, and take the pooches for a romp in the hills. We both got what we wanted.
In the back seat of the car, Ellie and Mollie eagerly watched the scenery roll by, visions of running through the hills and splashing through the river filling their canine minds with hope. They got it all.
It was a great day filled with laughter and chatter, each moment laced with a sense of gratitude. For our time together, the two pooches running freely through the long prairie grasses, the beauty of this place where we live and the wonder of the day.
Gratitude.
After we got home and Alexis went off to dinner with her boyfriend and his family, I headed down to the shelter to help serve Thanksgiving dinner. I was a bit concerned about how dinner would progress. We were anticipating about 1,200 people for dinner, and on Friday, there hadn't been enough volunteers signed up to help out. I needn't have worried.
Over the past few days both radio and TV have promoted our Thanksgiving dinner. By the time 6pm rolled around, over 30 volunteers had turned up to help out and lend a hand serving the meal. Normally, we do not allow young children into the shelter to volunteer. But, one family really wanted to help out with their three young daughters and so, came in anyway.
What a gift the children were to staff and clients. They added a 'lightness of being' to the evening. One client commented as I walked passed, "This is great. Everyone's watching their language!" And it was true. Where normally clients don't think much about the words they use, the room became filled with courteous words as everyone made an effort to be on their best behaviour for the sake of the children. Clients quit bickering amongst themselves and staff stretched their attitudes to encompass our youthful guests at a mealtime that is often fraught with stress as they juggled keeping an eye out for trouble makers and ensuring everyone got fed. It was a beautiful meal.
As the children worked with their parents to carry each plate filled with turkey and all the fixings to our guests, they concentrated on not spilling a drop. When they reached an individual, they each looked up, gave a shy smile and said, "Happy Thanksgiving". As each guest received the meal held out in a child's hands, they stopped, smiled back and said, "Thank you." Some whispered a gentle, "God Bless," others, simply nodded their heads in gratitude, their emotions too strong to give voice to. But, in their exchange recognition of the human spirit that connects us all was lit and hope awoke in everyone's heart.
Last night serving dinner, I watched faces transform, hearts break open and minds open up to possibility. Those shy smiles plucked heartstrings. For some, it set off memories of Thanksgiving dinners past, for others it opened up the possibility of dinners to come, hopefully in better times, better places.
A smile is such a simple thing, and yet, such a precious gift. The smiles from those young children will live on in the hearts of everyone at the shelter last night. Dinners will come and go, but those smiles will continue to ignite spirits to the possibility of change. Those shy smiles will continue to keep hope alive.
I left the shelter last night filled with gratitude. For the families who came out to help. For the staff who do such an amazing job day in, day out. And, for the clients for whom a child's smile carried such a blessing. Their lives are not easy, but, they keep getting up in the morning and starting over again. Some will be there for awhile. Others will move on quickly. No matter how long their stay, their hope that one day life will be different gives me hope too. I can't change their lives, but as those children reminded me last night, I can share my smile, willingly, freely. Sometimes, it's all I can do. Sometimes, it's all I need to do to acknowledge their presence on my journey as we touch eachother's hearts with gratitude.
As the volunteers left, they walked down the aisle between the tables where satisfied diners sat back, their bellies full, their lives perhaps a little less bleak. As the volunteers passed through, the clients clapped in gratitude. The volunteers were a bit taken aback, embarrassed, except the young boy and his brother. They raced along, chasing each other down the aisle. To them, this was just another part of life they'd never experienced before.
Cindy, the chef on duty, stood at the bottom of the stairs to thank each volunteer for their contribution. One little girl, her kitchen-helper hair net still in place, stopped in front of Cindy, put her arms up and gave her a hug. "Thank you for letting me help serve dinner," she said.
Gratitude.
It doesn't matter what side of the street you're on, gratitude is a force that can change lives. I am so very grateful for my blessings, for my life today, for my freedom. May your life be a plentiful banquet of good friends, love and laughter. May gratitude fill your heart and open up the limitless possibilities of your life today.
The question is: What are you grateful for today? Have you made a gratitude list and counted your blessings?
In the back seat of the car, Ellie and Mollie eagerly watched the scenery roll by, visions of running through the hills and splashing through the river filling their canine minds with hope. They got it all.
It was a great day filled with laughter and chatter, each moment laced with a sense of gratitude. For our time together, the two pooches running freely through the long prairie grasses, the beauty of this place where we live and the wonder of the day.
Gratitude.
After we got home and Alexis went off to dinner with her boyfriend and his family, I headed down to the shelter to help serve Thanksgiving dinner. I was a bit concerned about how dinner would progress. We were anticipating about 1,200 people for dinner, and on Friday, there hadn't been enough volunteers signed up to help out. I needn't have worried.
Over the past few days both radio and TV have promoted our Thanksgiving dinner. By the time 6pm rolled around, over 30 volunteers had turned up to help out and lend a hand serving the meal. Normally, we do not allow young children into the shelter to volunteer. But, one family really wanted to help out with their three young daughters and so, came in anyway.
What a gift the children were to staff and clients. They added a 'lightness of being' to the evening. One client commented as I walked passed, "This is great. Everyone's watching their language!" And it was true. Where normally clients don't think much about the words they use, the room became filled with courteous words as everyone made an effort to be on their best behaviour for the sake of the children. Clients quit bickering amongst themselves and staff stretched their attitudes to encompass our youthful guests at a mealtime that is often fraught with stress as they juggled keeping an eye out for trouble makers and ensuring everyone got fed. It was a beautiful meal.
As the children worked with their parents to carry each plate filled with turkey and all the fixings to our guests, they concentrated on not spilling a drop. When they reached an individual, they each looked up, gave a shy smile and said, "Happy Thanksgiving". As each guest received the meal held out in a child's hands, they stopped, smiled back and said, "Thank you." Some whispered a gentle, "God Bless," others, simply nodded their heads in gratitude, their emotions too strong to give voice to. But, in their exchange recognition of the human spirit that connects us all was lit and hope awoke in everyone's heart.
Last night serving dinner, I watched faces transform, hearts break open and minds open up to possibility. Those shy smiles plucked heartstrings. For some, it set off memories of Thanksgiving dinners past, for others it opened up the possibility of dinners to come, hopefully in better times, better places.
A smile is such a simple thing, and yet, such a precious gift. The smiles from those young children will live on in the hearts of everyone at the shelter last night. Dinners will come and go, but those smiles will continue to ignite spirits to the possibility of change. Those shy smiles will continue to keep hope alive.
I left the shelter last night filled with gratitude. For the families who came out to help. For the staff who do such an amazing job day in, day out. And, for the clients for whom a child's smile carried such a blessing. Their lives are not easy, but, they keep getting up in the morning and starting over again. Some will be there for awhile. Others will move on quickly. No matter how long their stay, their hope that one day life will be different gives me hope too. I can't change their lives, but as those children reminded me last night, I can share my smile, willingly, freely. Sometimes, it's all I can do. Sometimes, it's all I need to do to acknowledge their presence on my journey as we touch eachother's hearts with gratitude.
As the volunteers left, they walked down the aisle between the tables where satisfied diners sat back, their bellies full, their lives perhaps a little less bleak. As the volunteers passed through, the clients clapped in gratitude. The volunteers were a bit taken aback, embarrassed, except the young boy and his brother. They raced along, chasing each other down the aisle. To them, this was just another part of life they'd never experienced before.
Cindy, the chef on duty, stood at the bottom of the stairs to thank each volunteer for their contribution. One little girl, her kitchen-helper hair net still in place, stopped in front of Cindy, put her arms up and gave her a hug. "Thank you for letting me help serve dinner," she said.
Gratitude.
It doesn't matter what side of the street you're on, gratitude is a force that can change lives. I am so very grateful for my blessings, for my life today, for my freedom. May your life be a plentiful banquet of good friends, love and laughter. May gratitude fill your heart and open up the limitless possibilities of your life today.
The question is: What are you grateful for today? Have you made a gratitude list and counted your blessings?
Sunday, October 7, 2007
She said. He said. I do.
The bride wore white. A long sheath of satin, the bodice studded with delicate pearls, a row of satin buttons sliding down her back to pick up the train that earlier in the day had swept regally behind her as she sailed down the aisle on arms of her mother and father towards her destiny standing at the altar. Her long blond hair was pinned up, curls cascaded down her back brushing along her bare shoulders and the three strands of pearls that circled her neck. She was beautiful. And this was her night to be the centre of attention.
My friend Dave and I watched the party swirl around us, family and friends gathered to celebrate the union of these two young people. We were friends of the bride's mother.
They looked so young. So fresh. So full of promise.
As we drove home Dave asked, "So, do you think they'll make it?"
How long is making it in a marriage today? Mine lasted ten years. Dave's lasted 20. At some point in time, we both thought we had made it. And then the marriages that we thought we had made turned into something we hadn't planned on making.
Is youth for or against this young couple who walked with such joy down the aisle today? Is time on their side? Will the strength of their love today carry them through the trials, tribulations, and triumphs of tomorrow?
Who can see the future?
Sailing into this marriage, they bring with them their happiness, and their pasts. Can they turn their love for each other into a love that binds them forever more? All they can do is the best they can do today. French essayist and biologist, Andre Maurois, suggests that to have a successful marriage you must ensure your marriage is, "rebuilt every day."
I wanted to find an appropriate quote on marriage. Something to soothe my jaded senses over the efficacy of wedded bliss. Unfortunately, when I went looking, I came upon more anti-marriage quotes than pro. That saddened me. And yet, it also inspired me. Pundits and philosophers have so little good to say about marriage and yet, we keep entering into the fray. What a testament to the human spirit to be in union with another.
Why do we keep doing it against apparently daunting odds?
Seems, the reason we keep getting married is because married people are happier than singles. And, they're happier than those who co-habit. (Stack, Steven and J. Ross Eshleman (1998). Marital Status and Happiness: A 17-Nation Study. Journal of Marriage and the Family 60(2): 527-536.
No matter the outcome, marriage makes for happier people. Perhaps it's time I quit looking at my marriage as a failure and put it into the perspective of my happiness today. When I was married, my unhappiness had nothing to do with my spouse, and everything to do with me. I was searching for something he never could give me. I was seeking my completeness.
In having had the experience of marriage, in having given birth to two amazingly incredible daughters, I created the pathway to finding my happiness within me. My former husband could never do that, because, like me, he too was searching for something I couldn't give him. I didn't hold the holy grail to the answers to what ails him. He thought I did. So did I for awhile.
Truth is, we were two individuals using the bonds of marriage to create a bond that didn't withstand the test of time. Didn't make us failures. It also means, the marriage wasn't the cause of our unhappiness. We were.
Yesterday, I witnessed a young couple commit to the vow to love eachother for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for the rest of their lives. Forever is a long long time, and they were willing to make that commitment.
Good on them! Gotta love their faith, their spirit and their willingness to publicly commit to loving one another in a time when forever love is deemed a remote possibility.
The question is: How committed are you to doing what it takes to find happiness in your life today? With or without marriage, are you committed to experiencing happiness within you?
My friend Dave and I watched the party swirl around us, family and friends gathered to celebrate the union of these two young people. We were friends of the bride's mother.
They looked so young. So fresh. So full of promise.
As we drove home Dave asked, "So, do you think they'll make it?"
How long is making it in a marriage today? Mine lasted ten years. Dave's lasted 20. At some point in time, we both thought we had made it. And then the marriages that we thought we had made turned into something we hadn't planned on making.
Is youth for or against this young couple who walked with such joy down the aisle today? Is time on their side? Will the strength of their love today carry them through the trials, tribulations, and triumphs of tomorrow?
Who can see the future?
Sailing into this marriage, they bring with them their happiness, and their pasts. Can they turn their love for each other into a love that binds them forever more? All they can do is the best they can do today. French essayist and biologist, Andre Maurois, suggests that to have a successful marriage you must ensure your marriage is, "rebuilt every day."
I wanted to find an appropriate quote on marriage. Something to soothe my jaded senses over the efficacy of wedded bliss. Unfortunately, when I went looking, I came upon more anti-marriage quotes than pro. That saddened me. And yet, it also inspired me. Pundits and philosophers have so little good to say about marriage and yet, we keep entering into the fray. What a testament to the human spirit to be in union with another.
Why do we keep doing it against apparently daunting odds?
Seems, the reason we keep getting married is because married people are happier than singles. And, they're happier than those who co-habit. (Stack, Steven and J. Ross Eshleman (1998). Marital Status and Happiness: A 17-Nation Study. Journal of Marriage and the Family 60(2): 527-536.
No matter the outcome, marriage makes for happier people. Perhaps it's time I quit looking at my marriage as a failure and put it into the perspective of my happiness today. When I was married, my unhappiness had nothing to do with my spouse, and everything to do with me. I was searching for something he never could give me. I was seeking my completeness.
In having had the experience of marriage, in having given birth to two amazingly incredible daughters, I created the pathway to finding my happiness within me. My former husband could never do that, because, like me, he too was searching for something I couldn't give him. I didn't hold the holy grail to the answers to what ails him. He thought I did. So did I for awhile.
Truth is, we were two individuals using the bonds of marriage to create a bond that didn't withstand the test of time. Didn't make us failures. It also means, the marriage wasn't the cause of our unhappiness. We were.
Yesterday, I witnessed a young couple commit to the vow to love eachother for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for the rest of their lives. Forever is a long long time, and they were willing to make that commitment.
Good on them! Gotta love their faith, their spirit and their willingness to publicly commit to loving one another in a time when forever love is deemed a remote possibility.
The question is: How committed are you to doing what it takes to find happiness in your life today? With or without marriage, are you committed to experiencing happiness within you?
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Giving Thanks
This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. A time to reflect. A time to give thanks. A time to be grateful. I am grateful for the blessings in my life. They are many.
Yesterday, I did a mini-survey at the homeless shelter where I work. I asked clients, staff and volunteers what they felt grateful for this weekend. For some, it didn't matter if they were a client or staff, there was a momentary hesitation, a thoughtfulness that caused them to take pause and ask themselves, What am I grateful for? For others, their response was automatic. I am grateful for my life.
In a place where plenty have little, gratitude and thanks abound. While a home is not on their list of gratitudes, clients were grateful for having a roof over their heads, a bed to sleep on, food in their bellies, people who watch out for them and protect them and friends to keep them company. They are grateful for the place that shelters them from the cold and warms their spirits.
For staff, having a job that excites and challenges them, and being able to work with great people topped the list. Having a home to go to at the end of the day, being alive and free, and having choices in life were the top attitudes on their gratitude lists.
Family, friends, being alive, waking up breathing - as one man answered, being sober, were commonalities amongst clients, staff and volunteers. The simplicity and sincerity of the responses demonstrates, it isn’t our differences that connect us but our humanity.
Author, Melodie Beattie, wrote, "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
My heart is brimming over with gratitude. I am grateful for my life, this body that carries me through each day, for the experiences that brought me to this place of giving thanks for all that I have received.
I am grateful for my daughters, the love that binds us, the love that sustains us, the love that gives each of us wings to fly without fear of falling. I am grateful for my family and friends, their support carries me through life's hurdles and eases me over the bumps in the road, their love fills my heart with laughter. I am grateful for C.C., he is teaching me how to be me in relation to another without fear of losing myself.
I am grateful for my many gifts, my creative spirit, my caring heart. I am grateful for work that fulfills me, passions that enliven me and opportunities that drive me through my fears. I am grateful for my cup of coffee in the morning, the pooch lying beside me, her breathing a steady reassurance that all is well in my world. I am grateful for the quiet of the morning, my daughters sleeping safe and secure in their beds. I am grateful for the day breaking outside my window, the birds pecking at the seed in their feeder, the cat sitting on the fence watching, anticipating an opportunity to pounce -- they make me smile and rejoice in the beauty and rhythm of life.
I am grateful for this moment where I write and words appear on the screen. I am grateful for the people who read my words, somewhere in the world, and connect me to the awesome power of this medium to span the distance between us so that we can share our hope, strength and courage.
I am grateful that my fingers move effortlessly, my body and mind are at ease and I have the ability to do things in my life that I had never imagined. I am grateful for the sound of the fridge humming in the background -- I have electricity, I have a fridge with food, I have plenty.
I am grateful for the plentifulness of my life. I am rich beyond my wildest dreams, my life a vibrant tapestry woven through with love and laughter, tears and sorrow, a brilliant painting of my life unfolding as I breathe deeply of the air around me and filled my heart with love.
I am grateful.
The question is: What's in your gratitude bouquet? Is it light as air, a joy to carry filled with thanks and gratitudes, or is it loaded down with resentments? What do you give thanks for?
Yesterday, I did a mini-survey at the homeless shelter where I work. I asked clients, staff and volunteers what they felt grateful for this weekend. For some, it didn't matter if they were a client or staff, there was a momentary hesitation, a thoughtfulness that caused them to take pause and ask themselves, What am I grateful for? For others, their response was automatic. I am grateful for my life.
In a place where plenty have little, gratitude and thanks abound. While a home is not on their list of gratitudes, clients were grateful for having a roof over their heads, a bed to sleep on, food in their bellies, people who watch out for them and protect them and friends to keep them company. They are grateful for the place that shelters them from the cold and warms their spirits.
For staff, having a job that excites and challenges them, and being able to work with great people topped the list. Having a home to go to at the end of the day, being alive and free, and having choices in life were the top attitudes on their gratitude lists.
Family, friends, being alive, waking up breathing - as one man answered, being sober, were commonalities amongst clients, staff and volunteers. The simplicity and sincerity of the responses demonstrates, it isn’t our differences that connect us but our humanity.
Author, Melodie Beattie, wrote, "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
My heart is brimming over with gratitude. I am grateful for my life, this body that carries me through each day, for the experiences that brought me to this place of giving thanks for all that I have received.
I am grateful for my daughters, the love that binds us, the love that sustains us, the love that gives each of us wings to fly without fear of falling. I am grateful for my family and friends, their support carries me through life's hurdles and eases me over the bumps in the road, their love fills my heart with laughter. I am grateful for C.C., he is teaching me how to be me in relation to another without fear of losing myself.
I am grateful for my many gifts, my creative spirit, my caring heart. I am grateful for work that fulfills me, passions that enliven me and opportunities that drive me through my fears. I am grateful for my cup of coffee in the morning, the pooch lying beside me, her breathing a steady reassurance that all is well in my world. I am grateful for the quiet of the morning, my daughters sleeping safe and secure in their beds. I am grateful for the day breaking outside my window, the birds pecking at the seed in their feeder, the cat sitting on the fence watching, anticipating an opportunity to pounce -- they make me smile and rejoice in the beauty and rhythm of life.
I am grateful for this moment where I write and words appear on the screen. I am grateful for the people who read my words, somewhere in the world, and connect me to the awesome power of this medium to span the distance between us so that we can share our hope, strength and courage.
I am grateful that my fingers move effortlessly, my body and mind are at ease and I have the ability to do things in my life that I had never imagined. I am grateful for the sound of the fridge humming in the background -- I have electricity, I have a fridge with food, I have plenty.
I am grateful for the plentifulness of my life. I am rich beyond my wildest dreams, my life a vibrant tapestry woven through with love and laughter, tears and sorrow, a brilliant painting of my life unfolding as I breathe deeply of the air around me and filled my heart with love.
I am grateful.
The question is: What's in your gratitude bouquet? Is it light as air, a joy to carry filled with thanks and gratitudes, or is it loaded down with resentments? What do you give thanks for?
Friday, October 5, 2007
What's your meaning?
In one of the most important books I ever read, Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl wrote, "We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
Last night, at the Dale Carnegie course I take, I was in awe of my co-workers ability to choose the graceful path through man's inhumanity to each other. The majority of the 30 people in the class are front-line workers, individuals who work with clients on a daily basis. What they experience is sometimes beyond comprehension. One woman had her nose and cheek broken by an angry, intoxicated client. Another man was punched. And yet, regardless of how the clients were acting out, these individuals chose to act with grace, dignity and kindness.
Very inspiring.
Viktor Frankl survived three years in a concentration camp. When liberated in 1945 he wrote Man's Search for Meaning which was published in 1946 -- he didn't waste much time!
To Frankl, there were two types of human beings -- decent and not-decent.
I work with a lot of decent people. And, the people we provide service to are by and large, decent human beings. They've just lost their way and are searching for the meaning in their lives.
Often, on mainstreet, I meet people who have lost their way too. They're just not as visible in their distress. When I was with Conrad, even though I felt that so much of the meaning in my life was lost, there were values I upheld and could not let go of. One day, as we exited a grocery store, Conrad lifted a bottle of pop from the display outside the store. "Put it back," I told him.
"They won't miss it," he replied and ignored me.
I couldn't let it go. When we got back to our room he offered me a glass of pop. I wouldn't drink it. No matter how much he yelled, I could not drink that pop.
It is still amazes me that I couldn't get angry about what he was doing 'in my life', but I could see what was wrong with what he was doing outside my life. I couldn't stop myself from submerging my personality into his but I could hold my ground on going over to the 'darkside' by embracing his overt attempts to bring me down.
I was making choices to separate myself from him, I just wasn't making the big choice to look at what I could do to walk away.
That was then. This is now.
Today, I'm with Frankl. No matter the circumstances around me, I choose my path. I choose my attitude, my state of being. Today, I choose to surround myself with people who exemplify the qualities I admire and strive to embrace every step of my journey. Dignity. Honesty. Integrity. Kindness. Joyfulness.
The question is: What's your choice? What meaning do you place in your daily pursuits? Do you walk with grace and ease, regardless of the winds blowing around you? Do you choose harmony over discord to create a world of caring all around?
Last night, at the Dale Carnegie course I take, I was in awe of my co-workers ability to choose the graceful path through man's inhumanity to each other. The majority of the 30 people in the class are front-line workers, individuals who work with clients on a daily basis. What they experience is sometimes beyond comprehension. One woman had her nose and cheek broken by an angry, intoxicated client. Another man was punched. And yet, regardless of how the clients were acting out, these individuals chose to act with grace, dignity and kindness.
Very inspiring.
Viktor Frankl survived three years in a concentration camp. When liberated in 1945 he wrote Man's Search for Meaning which was published in 1946 -- he didn't waste much time!
To Frankl, there were two types of human beings -- decent and not-decent.
I work with a lot of decent people. And, the people we provide service to are by and large, decent human beings. They've just lost their way and are searching for the meaning in their lives.
Often, on mainstreet, I meet people who have lost their way too. They're just not as visible in their distress. When I was with Conrad, even though I felt that so much of the meaning in my life was lost, there were values I upheld and could not let go of. One day, as we exited a grocery store, Conrad lifted a bottle of pop from the display outside the store. "Put it back," I told him.
"They won't miss it," he replied and ignored me.
I couldn't let it go. When we got back to our room he offered me a glass of pop. I wouldn't drink it. No matter how much he yelled, I could not drink that pop.
It is still amazes me that I couldn't get angry about what he was doing 'in my life', but I could see what was wrong with what he was doing outside my life. I couldn't stop myself from submerging my personality into his but I could hold my ground on going over to the 'darkside' by embracing his overt attempts to bring me down.
I was making choices to separate myself from him, I just wasn't making the big choice to look at what I could do to walk away.
That was then. This is now.
Today, I'm with Frankl. No matter the circumstances around me, I choose my path. I choose my attitude, my state of being. Today, I choose to surround myself with people who exemplify the qualities I admire and strive to embrace every step of my journey. Dignity. Honesty. Integrity. Kindness. Joyfulness.
The question is: What's your choice? What meaning do you place in your daily pursuits? Do you walk with grace and ease, regardless of the winds blowing around you? Do you choose harmony over discord to create a world of caring all around?
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