All I really, really want our love to do is to bring out the best in me and in you too. Joni MitchellI have been fighting an ennui these past few weeks. Ennui born of fear that I will 'never learn'. That I will repeat the mistakes I've made and that those around me will behave the same as those from my past behaved.
Time to get over myself.
In colours jargon (a personality typing system that uses colour to represent personality types), I tend towards a Blue/Green, Green/Blue personality construct. I use the phrase 'tend towards' because in my testing, I appear Green. In my heart, I swim in a sea of Blue emotion.
I believe my family of origin plays a significant role in my colour typing. As a child, being 'blue', or living from my heart, was not safe. I moved into my mind, that powerful tool of reasoning and creativity, to keep my heart from being hurt. As an adult, my Green habit does not fit as comfortably as it would if I were a natural Green - sort of a like a blond with dark roots coming through. I've been continually touching up the roots, grounding myself in my mind, until eventually, there's not enough dye in the world to cover over my Blue heart. Because the habit of staying in my head is deeply ingrained, I keep painting over my heart, protecting its roots from the light.
I struggle to walk that 18" pathway, finding balance along the way, finding solace in my heart connected to my brain.
Some days, it's not an easy path to trod.
I am a romantic. It was my romantic nature that drove me into the arms of Conrad, the man who promised to love me 'til death do us part and went about taking the death part way too seriously. Since that relationship ended with his arrest (The Dandelion Spirit) six years ago, I've been tentative in reclaiming my romantic nature. The recurring dialogue in my sub-conscious mind that filters up to my consciousness -- well that didn't work very well for me in the past did it. We're not going to do that again any time soon.
Anything I avoid out of fear of the past limits my joy in the moment.
I am a romantic.
It's come as a bit of a surprise to C.C. who is quite accustomed to my rather blase approach to love and loving.
"I experience you as being emotionally high-maintenance," he told me the other night when we were discussing my request that we talk at least once throughout the day. "You seem needy."
Thank you for caring enough to share.
I still believe it's important to connect during the day, even if only for a quick "Hello. How's your day going."
And thus, my angst.
How do I balance my monkey mind chatter that says, "He's right. You should be stable enough to not have to talk to him during the day. You've been doing it that way for a couple of years. Why change it if it's not broken?"
Reality is: it has nothing to do with being broken or unbroken. It has everything to do with my romantic nature. A nature I am reclaiming -- in all my angst and trepidation.
Knowing someone loves me doesn't mean I don't want to hear them tell me they do on a daily basis. Knowing I love someone doesn't mean I don't want to tell them on a daily basis, either.
It isn't about changing who I am or who they are. It has everything to do with changing the way we do things to ensure we receive more of what we want in life and loving.
It is a fine line I walk when balancing my hearts yearning for romance and my mind's calling to be practical, to be self-reliant. To be independent and to keep my distance.
I am a human being. I am relational.
My angst has nothing to do with C.C.'s resistance to change or his way of doing things. It has everything to do with my fear of being true to my heart. Of listening to its yearning for romance.
Time to get over fear and leap into the courage to be all of me without worrying about the outcome.
Time to 'Turn up. Pay attention. Speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.'
The question is: Are you ignoring your heart's calling? Are you listening to the monkey mind chatter that would have you walk away in fear of living life on the other side of your comfort zone?