Going for a home run

Life isn't fair. It isn't going to be fair. Stop sniveling and whining and go out and make it happen for you. Nick Butler

So, if life isn't fair, why do we keep looking for fairness? Why do we keep believing there's gotta be some fair and equitable way to balance what I want with what you want when what we want is different -- and both of us believe its fair to get what we want?

Remember when you were a kid and somebody took your toy, or got the best seat on the bus (always), or got to be the room monitor every day? It just wasn't fair. I mean, you deserved it just as much. You worked just as hard. How come she always got to pick first? How come he always got to sit at the front?

'Cause contrary to popular belief, life isn't fair. And it ain't gonna change.

Yesterday, I walked onto our second floor day area and chatted for a bit with an older client. A nice woman, she's always pleasant, always helpful, volunteers constantly, is always looking for things to do that will keep her busy. When she came to the shelter two years ago, she had a sad story of a life continually lived on the margins. After twenty-five years in a common-law marriage, her partner had died and his kids were claiming everything for themselves. Their apartment was rented. She had no money to pay the rent and was evicted. She ended up at the shelter, confused, frightened and alone. We did our best to get her legal aid and to get her pension issues straightened out. Even found her an apartment of her own -- and that's when fairness took a back seat to the reality. Reality is, she had underlying mental health issues and an addiction that kicked in as soon as she was on her own and feeling isolated from the larger community at the shelter. Within weeks, we had to move her belongings into storage and find her a bed once again at the shelter.

Life isn't fair.

This woman deserves a place of her own. But, life hasn't handed her the tools to deal with whatever is going on within her so that she can live independently. And, the social network has too many holes for her to fall through to be able to catch her and hold her in safety. A shelter isn't the ideal solution for her, but, it is the only solution that is keeping her from harm.

Life isn't fair.

Later, one of our counsellors walked into my office to ask me to help a client who had come to see him with a tale of woe about being robbed and beaten and left to die on a journey that wound its way around the globe from Mexico to Panama to the Philippines and back to Canada, the land of his birth. "He's got some talent as a web-designer," the counsellor said. "I checked out the website he sent me to. Is there anything we can do to help him get back on his feet? Do we need any help with the website or is there anyone you know who might give him a job?" It was a wild story that sounded too weird to be true. "Let me check it out," I said. "But first, give me his name so I can check out his story."

Sure enough, upon investigation, the man has a track record as a conman. Several websites caution anyone from having anything to do with him. There's nothing fair in what he's done to trick others out of their money. And there's nothing fair about him coming to a homeless shelter to try to con those who are trying to help other's get back on their feet out of their time and energy.

Life isn't fair. And we as humans don't always act in fairness to each other.

So what's with our quest for fairness?

I have struggled most of my life to avoid dealing with reality. To face what is without yearning for what was, or what can never be. It has been a bumpy ride getting to this place where I can step up to the plate, look life squarely in the eye and say, "Throw me your best shot. I'm ready to deal with whatever you've got, not what I wish you'd throw."

In facing reality, I let go of my ego's last bastion of self-defence. I let go of my need to manipulate what's going on into some palatable bite I can chew off. Today, I'm chomping down on reality, filling my plate with all life has to offer. I'm gnashing at the bit, raring to get going on dealing with what is -- whether it's fair or not, it's what's on my plate. I'm giving up being a picky eater and chowing down on life's delicious course of endless possibility. My challenge is not to make it fit my worldview. My challenge is to make the most of it fit into my cup of abundance flowing over with opportunity.

Sometimes, we just gotta spit out our disbelief and face reality.

This is life. It ain't always fair. It is what we've got to deal with. It is what we make it.

The question is: Are you reeling in disbelief, trying desperately to manipulate what is into something that it isn't? Are you willing to stand up, face life square in the face and call out, 'throw me your best shot. I'm making life happen right now. I'm ready for a home run, whatever you thow.'

Give peace a chance

Hate is not overcome by hate; by love alone is hate appeased. This is an eternal law. Buddha

I work in a world where hatred of those who do not conform, who live outside the box of normalcy, who abuse there bodies and minds with drugs and alcohol, runs deep. Intolerance is bred through ignorance, disgust through fear. And yet, I cannot hate those who do not support nor understand why we serve the people we do, why they need our help. To hate them would be to breed more discontent. We've got enough of that to last a lifetime or two.

I had a call from a man who was frustrated because we had made an outcry about a ticket one of our clients received. "He broke the law," the man told me. "Everyone else uses a washroom to urinate. Why should he be so special?"

The man of whom he was speaking is in his sixties. Needs a walker to get around and has diminished mental capacities -- partly due to his lifestyle, partly due to an inherent condition he's carried within him all his life.

He had urinated against a fence that borders the property and the construction zone that is the East Village where the shelter is situated. He had gone for a walk and couldn't get back before the call of nature overcame him. He'd maneuvered his way to a corner of the fence and relieved himself. There is no traffic. No walkers by. No one to witness his act -- except for a by-law officer who was standing by to impose the law upon shelter clients in the area on a day when we had closed so that we could hold an all day workshop for all our staff.

The ticket was worth $360.

I sat in my office listening to the man on the phone and wondered about double standards. Just the day before, I'd driven by the construction site and witnessed a worker relieving himself at the far edge of our property where dirt movers are digging into the earth to lay a new road that will completely block access to our property from the north side. There was no by-law officer to ticket him. No public outcry over lewd and lascivious behaviour. No phone calls complaining about the people we serve.

Just an old man with diminished capacities and no prospects. And a ticket for $360.

Hatred will not change the opinion of the man who called me. His hatred will not abate without an invitation to lean into tolerance and understanding. And that invitation can only reach him if it comes through love.

It is the challenge for every person who carries the label homeless. It is the challenge for all of us who work in the sector. How do we convert hatred to love when intolerance and judgement stand between us on both sides of the fence?

We surrender and fall in love. We surrender our anger, our hatred, our intolerance of intolerance and embrace our detractors with love, peace and understanding.

We may not change their conviction that they are right, but our journey will be less fraught with peril, our minds less consumed with anger and our hearts less unsettled with angst.

Hatred does not overcome hatred. Only love has that power.

The question is: Are you holding onto anger and hatred in the belief you'll come out the other side in love? Let it go. Surrender and fall in love. Can you give peace a chance?

Soaring pride and spirits

Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment. Thomas Carlyle

Thomas Carlyle must have been prescient when he wrote that statement sometime in the 1700s. He must have known what would happen last night at the Stand by the DI concert when client musicians stood on stage and sang and played their hearts out. He must have known the glow on their faces and pride in their step would keep them awake throughout the night reliving their moment when they shone brighter than the 1,000 watt spotlights beaming down on them.

It was a night to shine. A night to feel proud. A night to remember.

Over 500 people gathered in the beautiful space of Knox United Church to celebrate the excellence of the performers who gave so graciously and generously to this project. They sang and played and enchanted the audience with talent that, as one audience member said, "blew me away. It is absolutely incredible to think that there is such wicked talent in this city and what a treasure to be able to experience it all in one night."

Such wicked talent all in one night.

From set-up to tear down, there was not a moment of the evening not worth re-living. Every thing seemed effortless. So smooth. So sincere. And then, at 9pm Mr. Ben E. King walked on stage to join the musicians who had recorded our cover of his iconic treasure, Stand by Me. Microphone in hand, he walked into their midst, his bluesy voice joined with theirs as magic descended.

It was sublime.

Over fifteen performers on stage. Professionals and client musicians standing together with a legend of R&B. Standing together to honour a song that has touched millions of people around the world and a man who has left a lasting imprint on our hearts. Standing side by side in support of those who give so much to so many, day in, day out, with grace and ease here at the DI.

I stood along with the audience and clapped and screamed and cheered as smiles lit up the faces of the performers as the realization of the import of the moment sank into their souls and lifted their spirits. Voices soared high into the lofty rafters above us and pride and joy abounded throughout the church. Its magnificent stained glass windows glowed with the rays of the late evening sun and the entire sanctuary glowed with the awe that befell everyone who had the privilege of being part of the moment.

It was a night that inspired each and everyone of us to stand tall and stand together. Together we are strong.

Last night, every heart found its home in the beauty and spirit that permeated the evening and left us sated. Last night, every heart was safe as dreams awakened and spirits were set free to become all that we are meant to be.

The next scoop

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone. Jim Fiebig

It seems, no matter how old I become, I continue to be awed by our human potential in action. Tonight is the concert I've been working towards for the past several months. Yesterday, in support of it, a local TV Breakfast Show invited myself and the band to come in and talk about the project and to sing Ben E. King's iconic, Stand by Me. Three client musicians and two of the supporting local musicians turned up to sing and chat about the project and I was, as the saying goes, gobsmacked!

When we began the Stand by the DI project, it was with an idea of creating a piece of music that could be used for our Television and Radio ads. What we've ended up with is an exciting and innovative cover of a classic -- Stand by Me (King/Leiber/Stoller) -- a piece that moves people to tears, as happened yesterday when the director showed it to two clients from the US. "You've got to get this on You Tube," the male client said. "Give me a copy and I'll get it to Fox. This is outstanding."

Lewis Levin, the Producer/Director and I have worked on the editing of this piece for the past few weeks. No matter how many times I've seen it, I continue to get chills watching it. It was good to hear that I was not alone -- as I knew my bias could stand in the way of my objectivity!

Yesterday, when I got back to the shelter with the guys from the band, clients and staff kept coming up to tell them, "Wow. You guys sounded great." "That was amazing." Earlier, staff had turned the TVs on in the day area so that everyone there could watch and listen to the interview and performance. At the end of it, the band got a standing ovation, hoots and hollers and calls for more.

What awed me was the change in the three musicians. As the realization that the praise they were receiving for a job well done was sincere sank in, their shoulders straightened, their chins lifted and their smiles broadened. All things seem possible when supported by people who are standing by with honest to goodness words of congratulations.

One of the challenges of working with individuals who have been marginalized and beaten down is that their negative self-talk can sometimes corner them into playing self-defeating games. (Then again, it doesn't matter where we stand on the socio/economic scales. Our negative self-talk can always tie us up in self-defeating games.) Through the course of recording and rehearsals, one of the band members has fallen away as his anger and limiting beliefs propelled him into isolating himself from the group. Last night, as I was leaving the building, I went in search of him to make one last effort at encouraging him to turn up at the concert tonight.

"I don't really care to be part of it," he told me when I found him on one of the smoke decks. "I'm kinda flat about the whole process."

"Is this a self-defeating game?" I asked him. "To not complete something you started. Something you added great value to and something you said was very important to you."

"There's a whole bunch of hurt feelings here," he said. "Some people weren't very nice to me."

"Can you change the past?"

Pause.

"What do you want more of in your life today?"

Pause. "If I did it I'd only be doing it for you." He wasn't looking me in the eyes. He kept his head downcast.

"What if you did it because you're part of it. You're in the video. Your name is on the program. You deserve to be on that stage as much as anyone else."

A longer pause. He lifted his chin and looked me in the eyes.

"I really loved it. Being part of it all. I really want to do it."

"Then what if you simply decide to do it. Turn up. Complete it."

"You'd let me?"

"This isn't my decision. It's completely yours. You can choose to turn up for yourself and be proud of being part of something very special. Or not. Your choice."

He's promised to be there. He works all day and as soon as he's back at the end of the day he's coming to the dress rehearsal.

"I've committed to you that I'll do this," he said. "I keep my commitments."

"I know you do," I said as I left, his quiet, "Thank you for not condemning me for behaving like an a--hole," trailing behind me.

For this man, not turning up was the only option he could envision. He's not been to any rehearsals. Not participated in any of the television or radio interviews like the other band members. His shame and self-talk have negotiated him into the corner of limited options where, "I don't care," has become his mantra. Truth is, he cares. A lot.

For this man, turning up is vital. The ice cream may have spilled from his cone, but in turning up, he's ladling on another scoop and dipping into the rich, creamy deliciousness of possibilities that open up when we STOP our negative self-talk and tune into the melody of life unfolding when we stand up for ourselves and step in harmony with the world we are creating. He's tasting the joy of forgiveness and giving himself a chance to enjoy a 'make-over'.

It's never too late to take a step in a new direction. It's never too late to dish up a new scoop of ice cream.

And when we do, it's astounding how the world stands-by and supports us, cheering us on as we get into the flow of being the most awesome, amazing, incredible human beings we are meant to be.

The question is: Has your ice cream slipped from the cone leaving you crying over its loss? Or, are you digging your scoop into the rich, creamy abundance of all the world has to offer when you turn up and take another lick of life?

For those in Calgary, tonight's concert will feature a guest appearance by Ben E. King.

7pm. Knox United Church. 504 4th St. S.W.

Tickets $15 -- at the door.

A values based life

The quality of events surrounding you in any given moment in time may be reflecting specific beliefs that you hold in that moment of time. Gregg Braden

Last night my eldest daughter, Alexis, and I had a long talk about life and love and what's really going on. It was one of those conversations that, as a mother, I cherish. Throughout our relationship this is what I have wished for, hoped for, worked for, and ultimately, am so grateful for having created. A relationship where we talk of heartfelt things, a connection that is built on shared experiences where our unique perspectives have value and our values are honoured.

At one point in our conversation I suggested to her that she might want to sit down and ask herself, "What are my values?" Those core beliefs that direct her choices and energize her decisions into positive action.

"I value truth, integrity, kindness, equality, wisdom, authenticity." I told her when she asked for clarification. "What do you value?"

It is an important question. If I don't know what I value, how do I value my decisions? How do I measure up to living the life of my dreams?

Understanding my values has been a life long journey for me. When I was in my teens, I valued the wisdom found in books, particularly where they pertained to the mind and psychology. Ayn Rand was my favourite author when I was thirteen. Psychology Today my favourite magazine. In my twenties, my search for the truth about "Who am I?" lead me to make some tough decisions, and yet, lead me forward on my quest to understand the truth about me.

When I became a mother, being authentic was an imperative for me. How could I model authenticity for my daughters if I was living a lie? Who am I when I am authentic was a question I continually asked myself as I struggled to align the life I was living against the values I hold true.

Looking back on my journey, I can easily see those times where my lack of understanding of my values or my willingness to compromise on my values lead to decisions that undermined my personal worth, hurt those I love and kept me from living with integrity.

Living a values based life is imperative if we are to live in harmony with the world around us.

Living a values based life gives me the power to face life's challenges confident in my ability to make decisions that are based on the right thing to do -- without fearing that I'm doing only what's right for me because it's the easiest thing to do.

In my quest to live a values based life I have had to jettison beliefs that do not work for me any longer or that limit my ability to live the life of my dreams. For me, some of those beliefs stem from childhood experiences that were integrated into my thinking -- not because they were true, but because as a child, to comprehend what was going on, I had to make up a story that would help me live with my experiences. Some of those stories shortchange me as an adult. Stories about my lack of self-worth, or my limitations. Stories that would keep me believing I don't deserve love, happiness, peace of mind, a beautiful life. Those stories don't add value to my life -- and they definitely don't align my spirit with the values I embrace today.

It is one of the watershed moments of my life, that place where I stand up for myself, stand true to what I believe in, what I value and say, "Enough letting myself off the hook of being a woman of integrity. Enough giving myself a break in the truth department. Enough giving into my baser elements. It's time to turn up for me and value myself enough to stand true to my beliefs."

Living with integrity is not always the easy thing to do. People and circumstances bombard me with opportunities to give into, compromise or simply appease someone else with what they want to hear, see, do, believe. Giving into someone else's values pulls me from standing in the centre of my 'I' into the winds of change forcing me to bend and give up standing true to myself. When I stand true to my values, I am not at risk of being pulled into the winds that would pull me from my course into someone else's way of being. If we do not share common values, doing it their way will only undermine my sense of worth. And I have had a lifetime of undermining my value. It's my time to value myself enough to live true to who I am without fear that who I am is not enough.

It was a wonderful talk last night. A chance to be open and honest and loving and kind. To be connected to a young woman of great worth and to connect to the values we share, and to find value in our differences. It was a time to honour what makes us great and to celebrate the greatness in each of us.

It was a time to feel blessed by the love we share and to breathe deeply in the value of having created a relationship I have always dreamed of with my daughters.

The question is: What are your values? Are you willing to stand up and be counted for what you believe in? Are you willing to value your worth by doing the right thing, no matter the cost?

The hero in me and you.

Success rests with having the courage and endurance and above all the will to become the person you are, however peculiar that may be. Then you will be able to say, “I have found my hero and he is me." George Sheehan

Twenty-three years ago today my eldest daughter, Alexis, burst into the universe, her tiny fists clenched, her rosebud mouth open to let out a piercing cry.

And I felt my heart melt.

I heard her cry even before she was out of the womb. It was a c-section. I was awake and under an epidural. Before the doctor had even cut into the protective casing of my womb, her cry could be heard.

I have never felt such an overpowering feeling of love as I did in that moment of hearing her first cry.

In the course of our twenty-three years together, there have been other cries. Other moments where love washed over me and I felt helpless under its overwhelming power to humble me. But none of those moments have been so completely devastating as that first cry. In that cry the truth of our life together was revealed. In that cry I knew, no matter how much I wanted to, there would be times I could not stop her tears, could not ease her fears, could not make it all 'okay'.

It was a fearsome and humbling moment. I lay on the gurney in the sterile enclosure of the oeprating room, nurses and doctors busily going about their business, as I listened to the cry of my child as she was lifted out and up into the world. I lay there and I felt helpless. I lifted my arms and reached for my child and her tears eased for just a moment and I felt love wash over me as my heart broke wide open.

A broken heart is an open heart and an open heart is a loving heart.

Since that first cry there have been many tears, many bursts of laughter, many smiles and gentle touches, many hurtful outbursts, many words and moments of admiration, joy and celebration. There have been moments when I had to watch her struggle to step beyond the point of where she believed she couldn't go. There have been moments when I have had to pull her back from going where she was not yet able to go. And there have been moments when I have held her after a fall and applauded her after a soaring leap into her dreams. There have been many moments filled with enough emotions to blanket the sky in every colour of the rainbow.

And always there is love.

There is a constant heartache in being a mother. A continuous tug at maternal apron strings that want to tie your child to your side as they unravel the strings that bind. There is the constant pull of your need to want to keep them safe from falling rubbing against their need to test gravity's hold upon their spirited will to step out into thin air and fly.

In falling, we learn to trust in gravity.

I didn't know twenty-three years ago that with that first cry I would fall so completely, utterly, totally in love with another human being. I didn't know that my heart would soar, and sometimes my stomach would drop and my arms ache for her as she struggled to unfold the beauty of her wings. I didn't know that loving another meant letting them leap from the nest so that they could learn to spread their wings and fly.

I have written often about my daughters and my awe of their beauty, spirit, kindness and grace. Today, I celebrate having had the gift of their presence in my life, the gift of their incredible courage to become heroes in their own eyes.

I celebrate the amazing grace I have experienced through loving someone else enough to know I cannot live their lives for them, I can only show them that by becoming the person I am, no matter how peculiar, I have found the hero in me. In my discovery, they have the freedom to find the hero in themselves.

And in the end, after the tears and cries and laughter and falls, to become a hero in our own lives sets us free.

I celebrate my daughter, Alexis, today. She is a beautiful spirit learning to fly above the binds that tie her to the ground. She is a hero in her own life.

Rewind. Stop. Play.

Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much. Robert Greenleaf

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a woman who, in my judgement, (and sometimes I just gotta judge someone else!) is one of the most difficult people I've had to deal with. I must deal with her, it is not an option as she is integral to a project I am working on. There's no getting around her, no taking another path to success without her involvement. And while I limit my conversations with her to the very bare minimum and use email as much as possible, yesterday I had to bite the bullet and call her.

And I said a silent prayer. Bless her. Strengthen me.

Recently, I caught this woman in a lie. It was a big lie and proved that her drama was not based on fact, but on reality as she saw it, or, possibly chose to see it to validate her position of being right. The gift of finding her lie gave me the opportunity to disconnect from trying to point out her accountability in the situation. It's not my job to make her accountable. It's my job to find a way to work with her that doesn't undermine my well-being or the outcome of this project.

In my 'opinion' -- and I have lots of those, this woman is invested in being right. Reality is, I made a mistake at the beginning of our working together. And part of that mistake was based on my silence when I needed to speak up. In normal circumstances, that mistake was easy to remedy. That mistake triggered something in her that I cannot fix. In her unhappiness over what in her estimation, was the distress I had caused in her life, she needed to be right. Regardless of what the truth is.

When dealing with someone who's objective is to be right, regardless of truth and fact, there is no sense in pointing out their lies. They won't believe you, even when they truth is sitting next to the fact of their lie in writing. Knowing that truth gave me the opportunity to let go of picking up any of the blame and shame she had to dump on me. Didn't make it any easier to deal with her, it did make it easier not to become engaged in the game of "you're wrong, I'm right".

The drama of it all isn't what it's about. In the moment dealing with someone as dramatic as this woman is not my biggest challenge. I will stumble and trip. Say too much. Not say enough. Say the wrong thing at the wrong time, the wrong thing at the right time and the right thing at the wrong time. The drama is not my issue. Turning off the conversation in my head, after the phone is hung up, ahhh, now that's another matter. That's my biggest hurdle.

My mind wants to mull over the conversation, change what I said, what she said, how it went. My mind wants to re-play the tape of our discourse to create a better outcome, a more respectful exchange -- You know, that place where she admits her lie and apologizes and I am exonerated. And that ain't gonna happen anytime soon so why waste my precious energy on trying to make it happen in my mind?

It was what it was. I did my best. Throughout this project have given my 100%. I have made mistakes. I have done some things really well. Ultimately, the project isn't about me and it's not about her. It's about something much bigger, grander than either of us.

And in the grand scheme of things, when the project is over, it will have been what it is, become what it does and both of us will continue on with our lives. In our continuing on, we will have a story to tell -- and that story will be whatever we make it. I can make it about having had to deal with a difficult person, or I can make it about having been part of something that touched lives in ways I could never have imagined.

I choose the touching lives in ways never imagined.

To get there, I have to let go of the story of how she was soooo in the wrong and how I was soooo in the right. I have to let go of my need to feel the drama stirring within me and fall into the grace of living in the silence of knowing, I give enough. I do enough. I am enough.

Bless her. Strengthen me.

The story is just a story. As time and distance separate me from the minutiae of getting this project completed, the drama will ease up as I move with grace and ease into knowing, I did my best. My best is good enough.

I can ease the burden of the angst by simply letting go of my need to play the victim to someone else's bad behaviour. We are each accountable for how we behave, for what we say, how we react to circumstances and events that don't go according to plan.

In the silence between each breath, I find grace.

In time's passing, the impact of what the project means in the lives of those who have been moved by its power to touch hearts and open minds will be the gift that keeps on giving.

And the gift that keeps on giving is Love. Always has been. Always will be.

The question is: Are you replaying conversations in your mind, making someone else wrong to your right? Are you willing to take your finger off the REWIND button and press, STOP and then get to work playing your best life yet? Are you willing to fall into the grace of living in the rapture of now knowing you are 100% accountable for how you turn up in your life today?