Life ebbs and flow. Every moment a constant pulse of energy. My heart beating in time. For the past few days, I have struggled to keep my energy up. To feel excited. Joyous about my day. I wonder, what's wrong? Why do I feel so tired? So enervated?
Is it because next Monday is the four year anniversary of the ending of that relationship? Is it because my body is remembering those terminal gasps of air as I struggled to keep my head above water while my body gave into the undertow of fear and depression that was pulling me down for the third and final time? Am I stalking the fear and terror giving into the sadness from those days that linger in the cells of my being like an unwelcome guest feeding from a wedding banquet storing bonbons and crab legs in his pockets?
This morning I awaken to a sore throat and running nose. It is not memory stirring and dragging me back. I have a cold.
Years ago I did breath work to move through some of the pain and sorrow of a childhood that was stolen when I was five and lost the innocence that was my right. The therapist told me that the memories of those events were stored in the cells of my body. Breath work would help release the pain and sorrow.
It was hard, tiring work. As I lay on my back on a mat on the floor, my knees propped up by a pillow, I breathed hard and fast. In and out. Faster and faster. I cried and wept and mourned for that little girl who did not understand that what happened to her was not her fault. She was not bad. She was innocent.
It took several weeks for the pain to leave my body. For my fingers and joints to loosen up and let go of the sorrow. But then, one morning I did the breath work and my body didn't hurt. My joints didn't scream out when I moved them. I felt light, my movements effortless.
I haven't thought of that time in many years. This morning, the memory awoke as I typed and reminded me of the power of breath to carry life, to loosen feelings, to release pain and joy so that I may flow freely.
When I am feeling run down, let down, deflated, my resistance to negative ions floating in my body is weakened. Rather than give into the dark thoughts that jar my peace of mind with the harsh ping of a pinball rattling through the metal gates, I wrap myself up in a psychic blanket of warm loving thinking that carries me through the moment. As I turn m inner eye into my love, I feel my spirits lift, my mood lighten.
Life is ebb and flow. Thoughts drift in. Drift out. My energy ebbs and I awaken to the awareness that I am my thoughts and emotions. No matter my physical state, I am responsible for every thought, every feeling. I can let them pull me back into despair, into sadness, into the turmoil of the past. Or I can choose to let them flow freely through me. In. Out. In. Out.
This morning I awoke with a cold, my energy ebbed and I stepped into the love that sustains me through every moment of every day. I pull back the curtain hiding my feelings from me and embrace the sadness that rides in on the morning tide and awaken it with joy.
I have a cold. It is also the anniversary of a time when I was dying. I had given up on me. Given into him. Given away my power and plugged into his lies so that I could unplug myself from the life force within me.
This morning, as the sadness of those final days wafts through me like a morning mist rising on the sun's awakening, I breathe into the memories and let them drift freely into the dawn.
I cannot change the past. Cannot reconstruct the story of a time where the breath of memory keeps it alive. I breathe into the memory of that time. Draw fresh, reviving, life-giving air into the cells stored within me. I feel them expand. Come alive and quietly slip back into place in time. Into a time in the past where I was not alive to the limitless possibilities of my life in freedom.
This morning I awoke to a cold and felt my energy wane. This morning, I consciously stepped into my power to choose what supports me. Love.
I cannot change the past. But I can change my point of view. This morning, I embrace all that I am, beauty and the beast, light and shadow, yin and yang. I embrace all that I am and step free of memory's thrall as I quietly, gently, lovingly step into myself.
The cold will pass. The day will break. Dusk will draw near. Life will continue to ebb and flow and I will lift myself up onto the crest of the wave and flow joyously into my day. With grace, ease and dignity I will dance. Confident in my one and only life, I freely become all that I am meant to be.