Buried within me are the memories of those events that caused such stress and turmoil in my life, and the lives of those I love. I have dealt with them, soothed them, lulled them into sleep.
And sometimes, they awaken. Certain places, certain people will inexplicably, and sometimes not so inexplicably, trigger the emotional memory quadrant of my brain to sit up on full alert and get active. The awakening is an involuntary response that I didn't initiate, but must work with to ensure it does not inhibit my life in freedom.
What an amazing place the mind is.
Recently I met a man. Intelligent. Humourous. Deep thinker. Great enthusiasm for leaping into life and experiencing it for all its worth. No holds barred.
It seemed like a perfect opportunity to explore relationship. That rocky terrain where I have hesitated to journey until I found stable ground within myself.
I stepped out of my comfort zone. Not far. But I stepped. Slowly. Not on the alert for trouble, but rather, on the lookout for connection, for those places where I could get comfortable in an unknown place.
As I ventured, staying true to my desire to journey awake and aware, I found terrain that was different but familiar looking in a hazy way. My emotional memory awoke. Caution signs popped up. Tread slowly. Breathe deeply. Keep your eyes open. Watch out for potholes.
I kept walking forward but my senses were on alert. This ground is not so foreign. I recognize the sensations. I know the feelings. I must be cautious.
Now, my reserve, my sensations were not based on who the other person is. I barely knew him. They are founded in me. My knowing, my understanding and my emotional memory. They were triggered by actions. By words spoken. Steps taken. Actions not taken. Actions acted out.
And that's the thing about emotional memory. If this had been a benign zone devoid of traits I didn't recognize on an intuitive plane, my emotional memory would have continued to snooze throughout the encounter.
Call it intuition. Call it sixth sense. Call it the heebie jeebies. My emotional memory alerted me to what I needed to do to ensure I stayed true to me. To ensure I did not lull myself to sleep beneath the blanket of my misconception that I was being silly, or over-responsive, or over-cautious. I was taking care of me. Doing what I needed to do to ensure I felt confident in every step I took.
And that is the value and beauty of life in freedom.
In my history I have been very adept at burying my head in the sand and closing my eyes to what was going on around and within me. I have been the Queen of Denial, floating down my river of blindness, ignoring the signs that a storms a-brewing, take heed, batten down the hatches, get off the river, find another route.
Today, I am confident in my ability to do what is best and right for me. My emotions live within me. They flow. Rise up. Calm down. I do not suppress them. I let them flow and take responsibility for how I express them.
Fear is the opportunity to be courageous.
In the past, when I felt fear, I pushed it back and leaped into the void of relationship to explore what the hell was going on, and often ended up discovering myself on the road to hell.
Within me exists a host of emotional memories of past events that caused me pain. Their job is not to cause me pain to day, but to awaken me to the danger I may be putting myself in by ignoring the signs that where I'm going is not where I'm meant to be.
When I heed the signs, I expand into the space of where I'm at. Confident in my ability to live outside my comfort zone -- not in my danger zone.
Putting myself 'at risk' is the danger zone I became accustomed to in the past. I know how to cope with the danger zone.
What I'm learning to do today is to be confident that as I step outside my comfort zone, I fly free of unhealthy risk-taking and liaisons that spell danger for me.
I fell asleep last night and dreamt of choices. Of paths taken. Journey's diverted. Options explored. Voyages aborted. I awoke this morning confident that this is my one and only life. Driven by fear I am drawn by courage to step out of my comfort zone into that place I've never been. Away from danger, into safety. A place where I can explore all I'm meant to be when I listen to my voice calling out to me to step free and let go and be all that I am meant to be. A wondrous human being on the journey of her lifetime.
Fly free. Journey confidently into the light of being your most amazing self today.