Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Universe Doesn't Care. (Part 2)

The Universe at work? Or just Blogspot taking care of business. Yesterday I attempted to post, Part 2 and lo and behold, I was blocked. A spam blocker robot detector had my blog under investigation and it was being help captive. This morning, all's well in cyberland and I can post at will! Sorry about the delay. Forces beyond were at play.

In, "The Dandelion Spirit, A true life fairytale of love, lies and letting go" I tell the story of my fall into hell, and my journey back into the light. The first section is told in the third person. When I was writing it, I didn't want to write about the fall. But I had to. It was important to describe those events that led me so far astray from my life so that others could understand what it was.

Now, psychopaths and narcissists and sociopaths and other disordlerly letters of the alphabet, have certain tactics they use to create FOG withint their victims. FOG stands for Fear. Obligation. and Guilt. Their behaviour is predicated upon their disorder, their mental constructs, their morals, values and principles.

In the end, it didn't matter what he did. It was my blindness, my willingness to let go of my morals, values, principles that led me so deeply into his lair. It was my victim mentality that drew me further into his lies.
In the end, it wasn't the Universe plotting my course to self-destruction. It was me. I was a victim.

Letting go of my victim thinking has been a journey of my lifetime. I describe it thus in The Dandelion Spirit,

He was arrested on a Wednesday morning.Thursday I spoke with the police. Friday I started to write my statement.That weekend I went for a hike in the rain and sat in the forest and cried and cried.Not because I missed him -- believe me, I didn't -- but because I felt so lost and alone and tired. And then I remembered to breathe. Slowly my sense of calm returned.I knew there was a lot to do but for today, what was most important was to keep breathing. Keep putting one step in front of the other until eventually, my steps would all lead into the right direction -- freedom.

For most of my life I was a victim. Never admitted it. Never accepted it. That day, sitting in the woods with the rain pouring down, mixing with my tears, I accepted that I had been a victim. It was time to let go of my victimhood and take charge of my life. It was time to forgive myself for anything and everything I had ever done that hurt me and those I love. It was time to make amends with the past. And so, I cried and the healing began.

When I look back at that moment, I see the choice I made to awaken. To awaken from magicial thinking, victimhood, blaming, shaming and self-denial. My distress was not caused by a force outside of me. Conrad was gone. I was still in distress. My angst was caused by my thinking. By my behaviours that had continually left me at risk of being pulled from my path into the traffic careening wildly on someone else's route through life.

As a victim, I could believe that Conrad was the cause of my distress. As a victor I could not. If I believed that he was responsible than I would have to believe he was in charge of my destiny -- and that's just not true. He's not that powerful. Sure, his actions, words and deeds contributed to my angst, to my pain. Without him I wouldn't have feared for my life or for my daughters' lives. But he was not the cause of my distress. My choice to not walk away the 101 times I could have done so when first I stepped into his lair and was awake enough to question the red flags waving on the road of happily-ever-after, kept me blinded to the truth. My choice to keep moving deeper and deeper into relationship with him kept narrowing my choices down to the point where all I could see were the dark walls of the corridor of fear in which I walked. My choices narrowed down to tunnel vision in the darkness of the lies he had spun to keep me trapped in my belief that he was what I deserved.

Doesn't mean I deserved what he did. Doesn't mean I got what was coming to me. Doesn't mean a giant unseen hand somewhere out there in the universe was directing me into the web of abuse. There was no plot to destroy me by an unseen hand. The destructive plot was Conrad's. He made choices to keep it tightly wound around my neck so that the blood couldn't run freely to my brain.

He made lots of choices. So did I. It was my cloudy thinking. Foggy insight. Misty vision, however, that kept me trapped into making choices that led me further and further away from my path into the darkness. And in that process, I connected to the darkness within me that whispered, "This is what you deserve. See, you are unworthy. You are a black soul which no light can penetrate. This is what you deserve." Awakening to the darkness within me, I made choices that belied my magnificence so that I could prove the lie I held deep inside, "I am unworthy." I qualified my being with unworthiness and struggled to prove myself right in all my wrongness. I struggled to ignore my truth so that I could be wrong.
I am. A human being. A spirited essence journeying through life. A magnificent creation of love and light. A miracle of life.

How I travel throughout this journey is my choice. Just as how I heal, how I grow, how I learn, how I fly, is up to me. The Universe doesn't care if I fly. It knows I can. It has no expectations that I will spread my wings and soar. It isn't waiting with baited breath to see if I fall into the mud and wallow in self-pity. It knows I am capable of greatness. I am a reflection of its magnificence.

Ultimately, the universe isn't the issue -- I am the issue in my life. When I care enough about myself to make choices that create the difference between living wholly or living under the veil of victimhood, I choose becoming the victor in my life I have always wanted to be.

The universe doesn't care. But I do. I care enough to care about me with loving hands and an open heart listening to my thoughts speaking through my mind in love with the world around me.

The universe is. We are. I am. Free.


Jim said...

That's "bated breath", not "baited breath"!

M.L. Gallagher said...

LOL - Thanks Jim! That's twice I owe you! I commit to doing better -- and maybe even remember this once again!

LOL -- hmmmm.... I've baited the hook and been bated into thinking I am the fish?

Thanks for the smile! And the correction.

M.L. Gallagher said...

No Wait! I've baited the hook and waited with bated breath to see if I'm the fish or the fisherman?!!

Jim said...

Exhale! Sometimes you can catch more with baited breath than you can with a hook.