Wednesday, July 11, 2007

When I know better. I do better.

I re-read yesterday's post and thought, "Oh my. I can go on, can't I."

Somedays when I begin to write, I am not sure of the direction I'm going. I let the words flow and let them take me where they need to go. My challenge is, and always has been, to stop while the going's good. To find the salient points and pare the words back, peel away the excess and reveal just the gem of the idea that wants to be revealed. To let the words speak and trust the reader to get the point without my belabouring it a hundred different ways.

It is a trait I have noticed often in my life. I latch onto an idea and worry it away, tossing it about like a dog with a new squeaky toy. I shake it this way and that, up and down, in and out, trying to uncover the source of the noise.

Many years ago a business associate compared me to a terrier. He meant it in a complimentary way. He was a new client, and I wanted to ensure we got his business. In that circumstance, my tenacity was a positive force. We got the business, he got a 'dog and pony' show for his company that paid off with a $1/share increase in their stock.

That same trait, however, is what kept me stuck in an abusive relationship, long past its best before date. It's also the trait, that, when in discussions with my daughters, doesn't want to let go, just in case they didn't understand what I wanted them to do the first time!

Give me a problem, a new idea or opportunity, and I latch onto it and shake it until I get all the bits and pieces to fall out! Give me a relationship, and I would stay in until the death throes, worrying the thing to bits, twisting it this way and that in my head, looking for words that make sense of the nonsense, shaking myself upside down trying to work it out, even when there's no way out but the door. -- part of my journey has been to acknowledge that I don't have to understand everything. I simply need to understand myself. My values and principles. My beliefs, my desires. When I trust in me, I am confident in my place in the world and am not pulled into the drama's around me, at risk of letting go of my own truth. I can relax and let the 'stories' unfold, without my forcing love through the sieve of my curiosity and insecurities.

Learning to relax into a situation is an ongoing process of letting go. Letting go of my need to control. Letting go of my need to be right. Letting go of my need to understand everything. Letting go of my need to be needed, wanted, seen, heard, believed, understood.... Everyone of those qualities are positives -- until I take them to the dark-side of my insecurity.

Every personality trait I have has a dark-side. I am tenacious. I can be stubborn. I am inquisitive. I can be nosey. I am kind. I can be unfeeling.

My journey has been to embrace both the dark and light of my personality -- and to acknowledge when the negatives have disrupted my peace of mind, so that I can step back into the light of being all that I'm meant to be. When I walk with grace, ease and dignity through love, I am fearless. My courage draws me through my fear and drives away the darkness into the light.

Yesterday, I wrote a post that was too long. Today, I acknowledge that in my haste, and my single-minded focus of wanting to get the 'chore' done, I forgot my purpose. To lovingly touch hearts and open minds and set spirits free. When I am pedantic. When I am verbose. When I am windy, I blow through my purpose into my insecurities -- and my controlling nature. I forget why I write as I scribble away at writing just for the sake of writing.

It's a great opportunity for me to grow. When I know better, I do better. When I am aware of what my mistakes, I carry awareness into my words and actions. And when I speak and do with awareness, I stay true to myself.

Everyday presents opportunities to grow and challenge myself. As long as I walk with my eyes and heart wide open, letting my thoughts speak gently through my heart, I move with grace, ease and dignity.

May you move through your day conscious of your beauty. May you step with grace, ease and dignity through the darkness into the light of being all that you are meant to be, in love.