Mark asked an interesting question yesterday: Does writing about Conrad and those abusive times, virtually every day, help you move forward or does it keep your head in that period of the past? . . while I appreciate the catharsis takes time, do you do yourself a service or harm by dwelling on it daily?
It's a good question and one that's hard to perceive in myself -- if only because I'm so close to what I do, there's the risk I can talk myself out of or into any position. Do I feel like I'm stuck in the past? No. Am I further beyond where I was 4+ years ago -- absolutely. Today, I celebrate me. Beauty and the beast. Darkness and Light. Inner world and outer vistas. I know I am healthy. I make good choices. I take risks without risking my well-being through indiscriminate disregard of my intuition. I have strong boundaries. I do not accept the unacceptable as acceptable. I know me and love me, exactly the way I am.
Good questions deserve thoughtful consideration.
I wanted someone's perspective who is close to me. I asked CC the question last night. His thoughtful response was valuable. Speaking from his own experience, he suggested there is always a risk of that happening. That when we continually repeat the stories from the past, or dwell on them obsessively, then we will remain stuck. The challenge is to not use the past as the benchmark for what the future will be. The responsibility is ours to take care of ourselves in ways that set us free of using the past as an excuse for what happens today.
In being in relationship, I discover 'my stuff'. You know, those triggers and ideas that hold me back from experiencing life as one whole woman. I have lots of them, and it's in relationship that I get to blow through them, discard them, recognize them for what they are and deal with their impact on my life -- or not. The choice is mine.
Some days, it's hard work. Some days, I want to say, Forget it. I don't do relationship and shift back into my peace of mind in being alone. But, that would be giving into my fear, into 'the beast' who likes to rear his head when he sees me stretching beyond where I'm at into places he is afraid to be. Not because he fears the unknown, but rather because he fears losing control, lost in the silence of being within when I am out there, experiencing life on the other side of my comfort zone.
And so, I face my triggers, dance with my inner demons and step beyond their embrace -- sometimes awkwardly at first, but always with the intent of moving towards grace, ease and dignity.
I do not see the Conrad experience as the defining moment of my life. There are hundreds of those. Conrad was the catalyst that blew me out of the waters of my self-denial. He was the final active ingredient that set me free of self-abuse and recriminations. In coming through that experience, I claimed my right to be the alchemist of my interior design.
Alchemical energies can evoke powerful and often disruptive forces in the psyche. Often, because of their power to transform, they cannot be encountered instantaneously, but need a more measured, considered approach. In their initial contact, the energy can be infused with emotion, driven through with feelings that are unruly, uncomfortable, distressing. Only as I allow myself to sit with the emotions cascading within me, only when I journey deeper, longer, more quietly into their transmutative power are their energies able to unfold in a positive and constructive manner from within me to my outer world.
When I write in this space, it is a journey of trust, of faith that what I write has meaning out there. It comes from within me, and therefore has great significance within. But what is what I'm writing sending out into the world?
When I share my story, I am, in the language of AA, sharing my hope, strength and experience. I am trusting in the universe to receive my words in the love with which they are shared.
Do I keep myself stuck in the Conrad experience? It doesn't feel stuck to me. I believe in the alchemical power of my investigations of my inner world to transform my mind, to clear my vision, to heal my heart and open me wide-up to the awesome beauty of the world within and the world around me. I believe in the power of my story to touch hearts, open minds and set spirits free.
When I write of those experiences, I do not feel pain. I do not feel regret, sorrow or even sadness. I feel free.
My purpose in writing this blog is to share -- my story, my joy, my belief that we are all magnificent human beings on the journey of our lifetimes. Sometimes, we will falter. Sometimes we will fly. Always we change.
In writing of those times, I trust in the alchemical power of the story to affect the perceptions and beliefs of those who read my words. I have no desire to forget those times. I have no desire to remember them. They are simply a time in which I became aware of the awesome power of my spirit to fly free of the bonds that held me tethered to the lie: I am unworthy.
In having tapped into my alchemical power to transform the inner world that led me into despair, I have set myself free to claim my truth: I am worthy.
The question is: Where do you keep yourself stuck in judgement, in disbelief that you are anyone other than a magnificent human being? Where are you tied to your story from the past, closing yourself off to new beginnings and different endings?