Saturday, June 28, 2008

To everything there is a season

She's going to be okay. My friend with the straw coloured braid that snakes down her back like Rapunzel's rope of hair. She's going to be okay.

They cut out the cancer. Performed the mastectomy and confirmed the disease had not spread to her lymph glands.

she's going to be okay.

Today, I celebrate.

Today, I go help my friend's daughter pack up her house so she can extricate herself forever from the man who was untrue. The man who lied and deceived and manipulated her mind because -- well, just because. It's what he does. It's what he must do to get what he wants. It is his game.

It is not her game.

So today, I will be with her and my friend as they tread the shifting sands of endings and beginnings, no clear delineation between what is the end, and what is the new beginning. Just the deep sad sorrow of saying good-bye to love that never was true. Of something that never was and could never be, because truth never had a role in his machinations.

It is a time to celebrate. A time to week. A time to as Pete Seeger wrote in his song, Turn. Turn. Turn, a time for every purpose under heaven.

Today, my purpose is to turn up and pay attention. To be there for this young woman with my courage, my strength, my knowledge and my encouragement. To share with her my wisdom of how to heal a broken heart after the one you love has broken apart his facade to reveal the lie beneath the mask.

For no matter how heartbroken we may be, a broken heart is an open heart and an open heart is a loving heart.

Today my purpose is to be love, open and true.

The question is: What's your purpose today? Are you walking through each moment opening your heart to the love around you?

2 comments:

Nosinkmolly said...

Deep sad sorrow saying good bye to a love that never was true. I have been sitting home crying all day. Actually, I have been crying inside my heart for quite sometime now. I am just so weak that I can not keep the tears in any longer. I am at the end of my rope and I am loosing my grip, Fast. I have even reached in my back pocket, pulled out the super glue and now my skin is starting to come off the rope. There is nothing left to hold on to and all I can think about is calling him. Him who I, yes me, gave my heart, soul, mind, body and spirit to 24/7. Only to have him tell me that he was through, that it was He who had, had it.when I ESCAPED to go to a shelter so I could figure out what I had to do next. He put new lock on the door 2 days after I left. And I who drove 2000 miles back to Wisconsin with only a couple plastic bags and boxs in the back of my truck, want to call him and say I am sorry. I am sorry, I promise I will not get a job. I will not buy soft apples. I will get up at 4am and get everything ready for you, serve you in bed and pack your lunch. I will not break your collars when I press them and I will remember to button the top button. I will buy & prepare all the food and anticipate when you will be arriving home and have everything ready just the way you want it. I will not let my self end up in the hospital with heart problems so you have to clean out the litter box by yourself. And you do not have to worry about me having to leave because my sister is dying because they are all dead now. I feel like I am going CRAZY and I am afraid I will forget to remind myself to breathe.
Any suggestions, “World". I am sinking Fast.
God's not giving me the answers I want.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Nosinkmolly@hotmail.com

M.L. Gallagher said...

Dear Nosinkmolly,

Keep breathing. Even when it feels like the breath is being pressed from your body, your collar bone broken -- breathe.

I had forgotten about the apologies. Forgotten how many times I had phoned him to say, "I'm sorry. Sorry for asking questions. Sorry for not understandning. Sorry for having an opinion, an idea, a need, a desire. Sorry."

The history of relationships with these critters is we end up being sorry for breating, for living, for being.

When your mind is playing tricks on you, telling you that you must call him, you need to call him -- go for a walk. Call a friend. Call yourself and talk into the empty phone, but do not call him. Call your answering machine, leave your message for him on it and then play it back to yourself. In your words of desperation you will hear how far you've come from the amazing woman you are. In those words of apology you speak to this man who does not care, you will hear the sorrow of loving the one who is untrue.

Keep reading. Keep finding sites online where you can write it out. Have you gone to www.groups.msn/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.com
or

www.groups.msn/thewebofnarcissism.com

www.lovefraud.com/blog

God is giving you answers -- He's telling you not to call. Not to go back. Not to go crazy -- talking to him will keep the crazy-making alive in your life.

When thoughts of him enter, put up your right hand, palm facing outward and say, STOP. Keep stopping thoughts of him and replacing them of thougths of you. If you can't think of a thought of you that is loving and caring of you, say a prayer. Play music loud so you can't hear your thoughts. Dance. Walk. Run. Keep active and BREATHE.

And remember -- This too shall pass.

These days of yearning, of wanting to call him -- they will pass. First you must let them pass without acting on the desire to give in.

Be bold. Be brave. Be your most incredible self and stay free of his lies. Do not let them back into your life. You deserve so much more!

ML