Heart Talks

"Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough."Og Mandino

What if I couldn't fail? What if everything I did was simply a stepping stone, a part of my journey to create the life of my dreams? What if success is only measured by my steps taken, not by my destination?

Last night C.C. and I had a 'crucial conversation'. You know, one of those discussions where I didn't really want to talk about it but knew I had to share what I was experiencing to give both of us the opportunity to grow closer, to deepen intimacy and to gain understanding of each other.
I was scared.

I have a lot of issues around trust -- go figure! LOL -- Some might call me the Queen of Distrust.
Recently, I have found myself distrusting everything C.C. was saying. Not because he was untrustworthy. Had nothing to do with him and everything to do with where I was at -- in a distrusting, scared and frightened place.

Intimacy can be that way. Scary.

Yet, intimacy in my relationship with him is what I want. Is what I deserve. Is what I believe is necessary in order for us to have the relationship we both deserve and want.

So, there I was, treading into the emotional mindfield of telling the man I love that I was having distrustful thoughts about his words.

Now, for C.C., trust, being trusted, being trusting is very very important.

Imagine his chagrin when the woman he loves says, "I'm struggling with trusting you right now."
Yup. Definitely a bummer.

And that is the beauty of being fearless. In opening the conversation, it is my responsibility to create a safe place for both of us to talk. I am responsible for ensuring that my words don't pierce him like a knife but rather, open his heart to being touched in love.

I need to be honest -- with the good, the bad and the ugly -- and I need to do it in a way that is loving, caring and considerate. I need to share my feelings, and in that sharing, speak from my heart, not from that place of fear that says, oh no, he's not going to like what I'm going to say but I'm going to say it anyway.

It is my responsibility to Turn up. Pay Attention. Speak my truth (lovingly) and Stay Unattached to the Outcome. The scripting that goes on in my head, prior to the conversation, attaches me to the outcome because my scripting means I'm putting words in his head, pre-determining his reaction, and expecting him to respond the way I want.

Hah! Life doesn't happen the way I want. Life happens. I determine how I respond.

It was a wonderful conversation last night. (Okay, so it didn't start out so wonderfully as I tripped and stuttered through my fears of talking about my distrustful nature.) Eventually, I gave up on my script and flowed into the moment opening my heart in love to hearing him as we talked about trust and what it meant for him to hear me say I was being distrustful of him.

See, in my fear, I had thought a lot about whether or not I could/should/would trust him. Truth is, I have no reason not to trust him. My head was playing mind games with my thinking, spinning me in circles as I worried myself around a knot of fear churning in the pit of my stomach.

Trusting someone else is tough for me. Trusting someone enough to open my heart and dreams, to be open and honest and loving -- that's a challenge.

And every day I learn more as I journey deeper into the wonders of relationship with a man I love.

Success is in having had the courage to talk about my fears last night. The journey is continued in each step we took towards each other as we talked about our fears and hurts and pains and our commitment to each other.

See, my issue wasn't about trusting C.C. My issue was about being trusting. About choosing to trust instead of getting caught up in my mind games.

Big difference.

In having questioned whether I could or could not trust him, I was being untrusting. I was the one lacking in trust.

In sharing my fears, I stepped into trust. In trust, we were able to talk about what was going on and find a deeper place from which to communicate.

Trust is a choice. Being trustworthy is my responsibility.

The question is: Where do you put the responsibility for creating a trusting relationship on someone else's shoulders? Where does your distrust interfere with your being trustworthy?