I walk in beauty now.

Something I lost through the debacle with Conrad (see, The Dandelion Spirit for background) was my belief in the mystical elements of life. My spirituality.

On Sunday, while at Choices, I was listening to the the speaker at the Sunday Morning Spiritual Service and the thought raced through my head that I had lost a song. It's a small song. Just four lines. I couldn't remember the words, but I could remember the value that song used to play in my life. I sang it to my daughters when they were young. I sang it to myself when I walked my dog, when I ran, when I went about my day.

I hadn't realized I'd lost that song until Sunday morning. I sat and thought about that loss and struggled to remember the words. Frustrated, I turned my mind back to listening to the speaker. He was asking a question. What do you believe?

What do I believe? I believe the world is a mystical, magical place where miracles take place every moment of every day. I believe there is a Divine Being, a collective consciousness through which we are all connected. I believe I have a purpose on this earth. I believe we all do.

And then the worlds of that song from my past came back to me:

I walk in beauty now.
Beauty lies before me.
Beauty lies above me.
Behind and below me.

Four simple lines that create a world of beauty around me.

Sometimes, we don't know what we've lost until we're reminded of its absence from our lives.

For me, my spirituality is an integral part of who I am. Before Conrad, I embraced my spiritual being and revelled in the wonder and joy of living on this amazing planet called Earth. I felt part of the universe, that big beautiful cosmos filled with shining stars.

And then I lost my sense of wonder. Lost my direction. Myself.

It's been over five years since his arrest and I am reclaiming that part of myself. My spiritual essence that believes in wonder, believes in a Divine Being, believes in a collective consciousness.

I have always struggled with my Christianity. Raised Catholic, God and I were not on very good terms. I wanted Him to like me. I wanted Him to save me, but in my childhood world, God was a giant hand suspended from the heavens waiting to descend forcefully upon my head for the slightest infraction of his rules. He was an all-seeing eye that watched my every move, grading me Good or Bad, forever keeping me in his sights in anticipation of my inevitable falls from grace that would mark me forever on the darkside of the ever-after.

Speaking of religion has always frightened me. Turning up for my beliefs has always intimidated me. What if... someone disagrees? What if.... someone thinks I'm stupid to believe what I believe? What if.... I don't know what I believe?

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. Denis Waitley

On Sunday, a song came back to me that once upon a time filled my world with beauty. In its reemergence into my mind, I am reminded that this is a wonderful world I live in. It is a place of beauty when I walk with a loving heart filled with gratitude, standing up for what I believe in, turning up for me in all kinds of weather and moving with grace, ease and dignity through my day.

I walk in beauty now.

The question is: How grateful is your heart? How loving is your world? Do you see the beauty all around you?