Loss Aversion

"In prospect theory, loss aversion refers to the tendency for people to strongly prefer avoiding losses than acquiring gains. Some studies suggest that losses are as much as twice as psychologically powerful as gains. Loss aversion was first convincingly demonstrated by Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman." Loss aversion - Wikipedia

One of the questions that still sometimes haunts me is, "Why did I stay?"

Why did I stay with Conrad when I knew he was lying? Why did I stay when I knew he was hurting me, hurting my daughters, hurting those I love? Why did I keep choosing to believe him, to ignore the truth, to subvert my ego and subjugate myself to his manipulations?

In the initial months of my release from his web, I didn't look at that question. I knew that asking why -- Why did he do it? Why did I stay? -- would only keep the crazy-making alive. In those first few weeks and months, I wasn't psychologically healthy enough to withstand the pull into despair that those questions opened the door to.

As time has lapsed, as distance has added depth to my healing and put those events into perspective of my time without him, I have gained strength. Today, I can look at those questions and consider them from the perspective of information I need to know to be safe and secure in my world today. George Santayana, in The Life of Reason, states, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

During these intervening years I have come to understand much about what left me at risk of Conrad's manipulations. I've come to love myself -- as I was, and as I am. I look back on that woman who lost herself in his unholy charms and love that woman I was, she was abused. She deserves my love.

And still I wonder -- why did I stay?

I've created lots of different reasons. Lots of alternative perspectives that would explain what happened to keep me locked in his arms, even when I knew he was killing me. In the end, I've resigned myself to the truth that, whether or not I understand why I stayed, the reality is, I did. What I need to do to heal is to accept reality and embrace my power today.

And that is true.

Sometimes, though, a thought or idea can shed light that is so bright, I stand in awe of its illumination of the truth.

I stayed for many reasons. One of them was, the fear of losing what I had, even though what I had was killing me, was greater than my desire to gain my freedom away from him. I wasn't resisting freedom, I was resisting cutting my losses by letting go of what I had.

I couldn't leave him because I feared losing myself completely if he was gone. In those final months, I had some vestiges of me to hold onto. Some parts of my psyche that had not yet completely identified with him. To walk away from him meant possibly losing all of me, every part of me. Because I didn't know what would happen if I left, and I feared what would happen if I did, I stayed and stayed and stayed.

Ultimately, because I had already lost so much, I feared losing more and couldn't contemplate how much I had to gain by leaving.

The question is: Where does your fear of loss hold you back from stepping into what you have to gain when you let go of your losses and balance yourself in freedom?