No 'I' in team

I typed in my blog address this morning and the computer immediately responded: Blog not found. The blog address you typed in does not exist.

A momentary flicker of panic flashed through my mind. What? And then I took a breath, looked at what I'd typed and realized I'd mispelt the word 'your'. It took but a moment to correct my error and I was back in business.

Made me stop and think though. How many times do I immediately jump to conclusions that I've made an irreversible mistake? That something is amiss and can never be fixed. That all is lost; cyberspace has robbed me of my site?

Last night, AJ and JD came to dinner. Thirty years ago, friends set them up on a blind date, and I was there. They've been married for 25+ years and going strong.

Dinner was an impromptu affair. Informal. Unscheduled. C.C. was cooking giant prawns and had way more than just the two of us could eat. I was talking to JD on the phone and C.C. said, invite them over. I did. They came. We spent an evening laughing and joking. Their son, C.J. came for awhile and then their daughter C joined us after her brother had left. Both my daughters turned up later, after the barbecue they were at ended. We were one big happy family. The 'kids' have known eachother all their lives. JD was one of the women who saved my life when I was in trouble with Conrad. AJ acts as my daughters surrogate father -- our friendship is based on longevity, shared experience and most importantly, love.

During dinner, Alexis asked each of us the question, "If you could be in one Winter and one Summer Olympic games, what sport would you be in?"

The answers were varied. When it came to my turn I said, "Slalom skiing and Dressage."

"Why not a team sport?" asked my daughter.

"I don't like team sports," I replied. "Never have. I don't like depending upon other people and in particular, I don't like other people depending upon me. What if I let the whole team down?"

My daughter quickly jumped in to tell me I should take up a team sport, just because. "It would be a good stretch for you, mum."

Andre Gide, French writer and Nobel Prize winner, wrote, "There are admirable potentialities in every human being. Believe in your strength and your truth. Learn to repeat endlessly to yourself. "It all depends on me."

It's the, 'it all depends on me' part that stresses me out!

I have a core tape that, whenever the chips are down and the world is falling apart, whispers its insidious message in my head -- "It's all my fault."

Being part of a team awakens my negative narcissistic traits -- when we win, I know it took the whole team's effort. But, when we lose, it is all because of me.

This tape has played itself out in many forums in my life. When with Conrad, it roared incessantly. "It's all your fault. You're to blame. You did it." In the end, I believed I had created the monster. I believed it was because of me that he was so evil.

I am not that powerful.

Unfortunately, when feeling powerless, making it all my fault makes me feel powerful.

I have worked on becoming aware of that tape. Worked on letting go of my need to take the blame just to feel powerful. I know that my life depends on me, on how I live it, how I 'work' it -- but in times of stress, my default position will automatically leap into the victim's mode of thinking -- to protect my ego at all costs by taking on all the blame. In 'working it', the lapse is usually momentary as I quickly assert my victor's voice into the conversation and remind myself of the truth -- I am not that powerful. It's not all about me!

Perhaps my daughter is right. Perhaps it's time to find a team sport where I can stretch myself into participating with a group -- as part of a team where there is no 'I'.

I wonder if there's team knitting?

The question is: Are you making yourself powerful by using the victim's voice of 'it's all my fault', or are you claiming your power by accepting you cannot change someone else, you can only be responsible for you.