And that's the thing about worry -- it's often senseless. Fact is, it would get cool again. It will get hot again, and all my thinking will never ever change what the weather does.
Last night I visited with a friend who has come out of a relationship with a 'bad man'. You know, one of those personality disordered types who leave you feeling like you're living in a vat of gnome poop rather than the golden fairy dust of the happily ever-after of your imaginings. She's been free for two months and doing amazingly well -- she looks fabulous, is exercising and moving through the pain and turmoil of his passing through her life. But, she worries.
"I can't stop worrying about what he's saying about me," she said.
"And what do you think he's saying about you?" I asked.
"You know, the same old, same old," she replied.
"Ahh, lies."
She nodded her head. "Yup. Lies."
"We can't defend against lies and worrying that he's doing what you know he's doing won't change a thing. If you must worry, worry about yourself. Worry about whether you're giving yourself enough love, enough attention, enough tender loving care -- and then do it."
Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. Leo Buscaglia
I know worry. Grew up in a house full of it. My mother could worry about whether they'd be anything to worry about. It was a natural state for her and one that continually creates stress and anxiety in her life.
Why worry?
Sometimes, worry is a habit. Sometimes, it's the only way we can feel powerful. Sometimes, it's a great way to avoid being powerful.
For me, not worrying is often confused with denial. "I won't worry about that..." leads to, I won't think about that, which leads to, "what happened?"
Like with Conrad. I chose not to worry about the fact he was lying because if I did, I'd have had to do something about it. After he was arrested, I knew that worrying about what he was saying and doing would only keep me stuck in the craziness of his behaviour. I had to consciously choose not to worry about him and to focus my thoughts on where they belonged -- on my life, on what I was doing, on where I was going and how I was treating myself.
After years of paying attention to everything about him, to denying my truth, my being in the midst of his chaos, it took energy to keep my thoughts focused on me -- in a world where what I knew I wanted was to heal, to live freely, to be free of his abuse, it was imperative I keep my thoughts focused on where they belonged. And so, I made a commitment to myself -- not to worry about him. He was going to be doing and saying and acting however he wanted. I had the right to do the same.
Claiming that right -- to do and say and act however I wanted, however it fit me, suited me, helped me, healed me was a stretch. Claiming that right gave me my freedom.
When I worry about whether I'm doing or saying 'the right thing', or if I'm acting, 'the right way', I am letting go of my power. I am abdicating my right to be at the centre of my attention, centre stage in my life. Because in that worry about whether or not what I'm doing or saying is, 'the right thing', I am not being all that I am meant to be -- free of judgement, free of self-criticism, free of restraint to live this one wild and precious life with passion. To be my most magnificent self.
Edith Armstrong said, "I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number."
The same can be said for worry -- Filling my mind with worry -- keeps me in a place that is uncomfortable, discordant and disruptive to my peace of mind.
Filling my mind with loving thoughts, keeping myself open to harmony, love, health and abundance, keeps me full of what I want most in my life, peace of mind.
The question is: Are you giving discord and anxiety a busy signal? Are you filling your life with more of what you want today or are you worrying about when will you get it?
2 comments:
"one of those personality disordered types who leave you feeling like you're living in a vat of gnome poop rather than the golden fairy dust of the happily ever-after of your imaginings."
Well, you do have a way with words, don't you? Haha! I compared myself to a grease spot but 'gnome poop' is descriptive way to put it, too. At least we can quit worrying about falling any further than we have because gosh darn, a girl can’t get much lower than a smudge. I knew one thing, Louise: I couldn't feel any worse or 'less than' or any more lousy than I felt--so what's to worry? I was still breathing.
I'm glad women can express themselves now, without worrying about being dismissed as crybabies. For me, it was difficult admitting my relationship had been abusive. What would people think? What would they say? I had to put my anxiety where it belonged which meant using it like fuel to get out of bed.
As you’ve written, we can have the best of intentions but we must take action to realize those intentions. If we’re anxious (ending a relationship creates anxiety=worry), we can focus this energy on positive behavior like gardening, or walking the dog, or reading, or cooking, etc.
Writing helps me stop worrying because for one thing, I usually figure out what’s causing my anxiety after spending time at my keyboard. If I know what’s at the root of my distress, I can change my thoughts and change my attitude consciously. Maybe it works in a similar fashion for you??
Hugs,
CZ
Hey CZ! Writing helps me figure things out too -- so does walking. Since starting to walk to work, I find my mind is much more creative, and rested. If I have a project to work on, rather than 'worry' it, I let it drift through my mind, untethered for a couple of days. In the midst of my walk, a key thought will pop in, clarifying what I need to do, or write, or say about a given project. I find it quite uncanny, inspiring and comforting.
It's like writing this blog every morning -- I don't worry about what I'm going to write -- I let the process happen and voila! Writing happens. Thoughts appear. Ideas gel. Concepts crystallize.
And always, the understanding of what is causing my anxiety eases as I focus on truth and begin to consciously change my behaviours.
My friend, Brian Willis, (www.winningmindtraining.com) has an ancronym for one of the most important questions he believes we can ask ourselves, W.I.N. -- what's important now?
By becoming conscious of the roots of my distress, I can then ask myself -- W.I.N. -- the answer to that question guides me into taking steps into the right direction.
Very cool.
Hugs back at 'cha!
Louise
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