Saturday, September 13, 2008

I am a fearless woman

This is a Choices weekend. Yesterday afternoon I assisted in the Contract room. It is a highlight of the first 3 days. After exploring what holds them back from having more of what they want in their life, each trainee is invited to claim their contract. The statement that will shore them up when they feel inclined to slide back into self-defeating games, self-limiting behaviours.

Walking into the room, I felt the magic. The mystical. The mysterious.

As people journeyed into the light of claiming their magnificence, of claiming their right to live the life of their dreams, they cried, the laughed, they joked, they denied, they stumbled, they leaped, they breathed. Sitting at the edge of the room, watching the process of the small groups as they chatted and explored the stories together, I felt honoured to be part of such incredible beauty.

We humans are amazing. People and circumstances, trials and tribulations beat us down, and still we rise. Life dashes us with frigid climes and still we breathe into the chill of the night to create a new dawn of possibility.

My contract is, I am a fearless woman. It is a sacred trust I make with myself. I don't have my contract because I am fearless. I have it because fear is what often holds me back from claiming my right to stand at centre stage of my life and live large. Fear of speaking up. Fear of speaking my truth. Fear of standing tall. Fear of standing in the light. Fear of pushing back against darkness. Fear of stepping into the unknown.

I know fear.

When I was a little girl in Grade One. I remember getting in trouble with my teacher. I don't recall what I did. I do recall her sending me to the front foyer of the school to stand in the corner with a dunce cap on my head. My brother and sister went to that same school. They saw me standing there and, as siblings will often do, they made fun of me. I remember feeling so ashamed. So scared. So unworthy. Above all else, I did not want them to tell our parents what had happened. I did not want anyone to know that I had been a 'stupid, bad girl'.

The emotion I remember the most is the fear. The fear of being found out. The fear of being found less than, other than, not enough. The fear of not having the answers.

That fear permeated my being for many many years. The injustice of standing there. The incredible indignity of it. The horror of not knowing what to say, of people thinking I was stupid.

As a five year old child, I could not get angry. I could not voice the fear and turmoil inside me. I could not make sense of it and so, I buried it.

Standing in that corner didn't make me stronger. It weakened me. It undermined my belief in my voice, in my right to stand up for myself. In my right to be treated as worthy.

It reinforced for me that above all else; don't blink. Don't let anyone see I hurt. I was afraid. I was wrong. That I didn't know the answer. Don't let anyone know I'd made a mistake.

I carried that fear with me for years. Today, when it arises, as it still sometimes does, I state my contract. I am a fearless woman. In that statement, I claim who I am today. In claiming my power today, I soothe that little girls aching heart and ease her need to be loved and reassured. She's okay. So am I.

Life is a journey. It is not a straight line from point A to B. It is not a well laid out map with clearly marked signposts leading us smoothly from one well organized event to the next. Often, life is unpredictable. Things happen that we cannot predict. Things happen that we can predict -- and we'll still do the same things over and over anticipating a different result!

The beauty of life is in its expected moments and its unexpected moments. Its predictability and its unpredictability. The beauty of life is in each moment. I can't control the winds. I can only set my sails to take advantage of their gift.

With my contract, I am capable of living the life of my dreams. I am capable of being all that I am meant to be, all that I can be. When I live fearlessly, I claim my voice and my right to be magnificent. I claim my right to stand at centre stage and live this one wild and passionate life for all I'm worth.

Yesterday, I witnessed the miracle of people claiming their right to be their magnificent selves. I witnessed miracles come alive.

I couldn't predict how people would respond. How people would claim their beauty. All I could do was be present, in love and awe, and be part of the miracles as they awoke. I am blessed.

The question is: Are you claiming the miracle of you? Are you standing in your light, fearlessly living your magnificence?

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