What we search for is the one that sees. St. Francis of AssissiYears ago, while I was locked in a relationship that was killing me, I met with a woman who told me that in this world, there are those who seek. You are a seeker, she said.
At the time, I wondered at her perceptions. When we met, I didn't tell her what was really happening in my life. I only told her what I wanted her to believe was going on.
In the course of that 4 year 9 month relationship with Conrad, my reality shifted along with my perceptions of life. As I went from being a vibrant, trusting, loving woman, to a shell of a human being who believed she was only worthy of the pain and turmoil of that relationship, my perceptions of the world around me shifted. Where once I saw the world through eyes of wonder, my reality became, I saw the world through eyes filled with sorrow, angst and pain.
My perceptions of the world were predicated upon the degree to which I accepted the truth of what was happening to me as my truth. And in that relationship, I perceived what he was doing to be the truth I sought.
What does it matter today?
Nothing, other than the value I seek to place upon the learning rather than the experience.
What matters today is that I seek to find value from that experience. To create value from what I learned to be true for me -- then and now.
What matters today is that I perceive the world to be a place of wonder, in a universe of possibility creating a life of joy in which I live fearlessly in love with me, myself and I and the world around me.
I am my perceptions. Nothing else matters -- unless I open myself up to see more than what I choose to perceive to be happening in the world around me.
The following link is for a short video clip on awareness. It's also a great illustration of what happens when we live by the adage "keep your eye on the ball".
When I was in that relationship, I kept all my senses on what he was doing, saying, being. I kept my eyes on his hands deftly moving the cards around, trying to keep track of what he told me to watch -- and missed what was going on around me. Eventually, I lost sight of the world around me and lost my sense of sight, taste, hearing, smell and feeling. All I 'knew' to be real was the pain I was enduring. Sure, there were moments of joy, especially where my daughters were concerned, but I constantly pushed them back from my awareness.
The memories of my daughters' beauty and joy, their moments of wonder existed, but I kept them on a separate plane from the events that were unfolding in my life with Conrad. I did not want them to be tarnished by the reality of his abuse.
In accepting that the relationship with Conrad was viewed through a skewed perception that was not real, I can reclaim the memories of my daughters' joy through that period unimpaired by the painful memories of 'what Conrad did'.
It's all in my perceptions.
My perceptions are all that matter in creating the life of my dreams. I cannot change the past. I can change how I view it today. When I rewind that period of time, I take my eyes off watching 'what Conrad did' and focus on seeing the beauty and the joy of the people who matter most to me -- no matter the weather, they were always there. Are always there. They are all that matter.
Everything I see is created in a screen at the back of my brain by light entering my eyes and being transformed into images created in my brain.
What I see is not necessarily reality. It is what my brain perceives.
What I see inside my memory, is also not necessarily reality. It is what my mind perceives. I choose to perceive the beauty, the love, the joy of having two miraculous daughters. I choose to keep my eyes on their wonder, and fill my thoughts with love.
I get to choose my reality. And today, I choose my reality to be filled with love, joy, possibility and the gift of freedom.
The question is: Whose ball are you watching? Are you limiting your vision to what you perceive to be someone else's truth playing out in your mind, or, are you creating your truth through experiencing the wonder of the world beyond your imagination?