Monday, October 26, 2009

I am open to finding myself lost.

Know thyself. Socrates
Some mornings, I awake and wonder what to write. What to say. How to access my mind on that delicate rope of possibility that connects it to my heart. Some mornings, to awaken to 'the flow', the collective force of energy through which I believe all things flow, I begin with the statement, "I am lost. I have forgotten who I am and why I came here."

I am lost. At a loss for words. Bereft of thoughts. Not a clue. No idea. Nada.

Or, I am lost. An empty vessel of possibility. An open page yet to be written. A receptive soul. An inquisitive spirit searching for truth.

As Zen master Shunryu Suzuki counselled, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few."

Let me awaken every morning with Beginner's Mind.

It's all in my perspective. Know everything. Know nothing.

*

This was a Choices weekend. A weekend of hearts opening to the wonder of their spirit's rising. A time for connection. For learning. For growth. For awakening to the limitless possibilities in my life today.

Saturday, while witnessing someone stretch outside their comfort zone, a friend came up and said. "You just love it here. The energy. Excitement. People."

I thought about what she said, and she's right. I do. There is something incredibly beautiful and soulful in being a part of someone's discovery and acceptance of their beauty. The energy in the room is contagious. It is a safe and loving place. More than anything however, I love being in the Choices training room because in that room, I am fearlessly 100% me. In that room I know complete acceptance, of myself and others. And I know, I am accepted exactly the way I am. I am not judged. Nor 'wanting'. I am okay.

*

I am in awe of the human spirit. We are such amazing beings. Filled with light. With possibility. Hope. Creativity. Joy. Love.

We have endured unspeakable harm. Dark nights of the soul that should have pulled us under, rendering us back to the dusts of time.

And still we survive.

I chatted with a woman who was telling me the story of her abuse at the hands of the man who had promised to love her 'til death do us part. It was horrible. Awful. Crazy-making stuff.

But she wasn't crying. She wasn't the victim. She was strong. Positive. Engaged. "I am so grateful for Choices," she said. "I don't have to carry the load of what happened in the past any longer." She paused and laughed. "It's a good thing. It was killing me."

And that was the key -- it wasn't what he had done that was killing her. It was carrying the load of shame, guilt, sadness, anger, fear, sorrow, regret -- all of those things we carry from the past, after the past has happened. Those were the things that were dragging her down.

*

On the Lovefraud blog, where I contribute an article every week, someone asked me, "How did you find the strength to control your thoughts about him."

The answer was pretty simple. Thoughts about him did not add value to my life. After he was arrested and I received the miracle of my life in freedom, thoughts of him kept me stuck in the past. Thoughts of him hurt. They weighed me down. They limited my freedom. Thoughts of him had no value to my healing journey. Learning more about him, or trying to figure out 'why' he did what he did, kept me embroiled in his schtick. I needed to learn about me, not him. And so, I chose to bring my will to bear to keep my thoughts focused on me, myself and I. The one place I had dominion over.

I am lost. I have forgotten who I am and why I came here.

I am a fearless woman, touching hearts and opening minds to set spirits free to dance in a world of wonder.

That's who I am. And, knowing 'who' I am makes the how easy. Be all of who I am, fearlessly living this one, wild and precious life in the rapture of now.

*

Yesterday, I worked in the Purpose Room at Choices. It is the final weekend of the nine day process (five days, two weekends) where each participant discovers their "Purpose".

It was a different space for me yesterday. My role shifted from 'guide', the person sitting in the circle with a small group of people as they work through the process of claiming their purpose, to 'checker'. As a 'checker', my role was to come into each circle after the work was complete and hear the individual state their purpose -- and clarify any gaps, questions, hesitations, etc. to ensure nothing was missed.

I was nervous yesterday. Worried -- what if I don't do it right? What if I mess up? What if I make a fool of myself?

Ego. It always awakens in the most inopportune times.

My ego is a wily guy. He likes to pop in and out and pull the rug out from under my belief, I am a magnificent human being on the journey of her lifetime. Life begins outside my comfort zone. It's almost as if he believes that feeling 'okay' or good about myself is not safe. Or that, learning new skills, stretching myself outside my comfort zone is risky business -- and risky business equals... DANGER! Go figure.

Ego is me making it all about me. Ego is me being fearful.

Yesterday, I stretched. I let myself flow into that space where to 'do it right', I had to acknowledge I didn't know it all in the first place (ooh, now that's scary!). I had to learn the process before I could feel comfortable doing it. And, in that room, I know I am safe. I wasn't thrown to the sharks. I shadowed the other checkers first. Listened to how they asked questions. Queried. I knew the six points to watch for to ensure each purpose was aligned with the individual's higher good. I didn't have to do it perfectly.

There is no 'perfect' in human interaction. All I had to do was give my 100%. And when I give my 100%, my best meets your best to create a unique field of connection. An open ground where possibility of new and more and exciting opportunity and interesting ideas and learning exists.

It was a great learning experience for me. To accept -- Fear is the opportunity to be courageous. And in that moment, fear was my opportunity to accept -- it's not about doing it 'right', it's about giving myself the grace of learning, and the wisdom to delve into my deep knowing about the process to listen to my intuition. It wasn't about me yesterday. It was all about the experience.

And what an amazing experience it was.

The question is: Are you awakening with Beginner's mind where limitless possibility exists for you to be your most magnificent self today?

2 comments:

S L M Moss said...

I, too, had one of those "ego moments" this weekend. Glad to hear I am not alone and I agree that stretching through it is the best way to grow and learn more. I'm absolutely certain you were a blessing to those in the Choices room.

Hugs!!

Anonymous said...

Elgie,

Thanks . . interesting hodge-podge today; the gem for me was the 'I am lost' portion - it has inspired me to write a 'lost and found' piece . .

Mahlo heaps and heaps.

Aloha,

Mark