Monday, November 23, 2009

Holding onto love

When the solution is simple, God is answering. Albert Einstein
It was a wonderful five days. Five days immersed in the wonder of being in a room where human beings have the opportunity to come clean, to open up, to 'let go and let God'.

Come clean. One of the premises of personal development work that resonates on a deep level with me is the idea that 'secrets keep us sick'.

When I believe my 'bad' is so ugly I cannot let it out, or that what happened to me is so shameful I cannot tell anyone, then I am making myself sick holding onto that which is eating at my spirit. I am holding myself accountable for the past. The past doesn't care -- it's done. Over. Finished. It's me, in this moment, holding onto my secret that is keeping me stuck in the past. And that is a vicious circle of unfulfillment, self-denial and abasement.

The things I do as a human that reflect my 'lesser self' are always ego driven. And when I am in my ego, I am always being defensive. My ego defence will always bite me. My ego defence is always about protecting myself -- from shame, blame, hurt, fear... When I am protecting my ego, I am closed off, closed in, closed out of being open and vulnerable. And when I am closed off, I am not open to receiving, or giving, that which is limitless. Love.

To be open to love and being loving, I must surrender, my ego, my fixed position, my intransigent self. It is only when I am vulnerable that I am completely safe. For in vulnerability, no one can take anything from me. There is nothing to be taken. Nothing to give away. I am open. Expansive. Accepting. I do not judge. I do not condemn. I do not fear.

It was about 11pm on Friday night when I came up against my ego in the driveway in front of our house. It had been a long and beautiful day in the seminar room. I was tired. And happy. Content.

I stepped out of my car and heard youthful male voices across the street. I looked over and four young men, late teens, were walking along the sidewalk. As they walked, they laughed and jostled each other. One of them started a rap tune.

And that's when my ego woke up.

Their rap song was filled with four letter expletives and vicious descriptions of the act of love-making.

I was disgusted. Angry. Upset. Disturbed. I was incensed. How dare they pollute the air I was breathing with their vile language. How dare they...

I tried to breathe to calm my anger.

I wanted to race across the street, open their mouths and tear out their tongues or at least wash them out with soap. I wanted to shake them and tell them that these words, these actions, these thoughts were poisoning them, the environment around them, the world. I wanted them to hear me and know the pain they were causing.

And I was helpless.

I breathed.

And opened myself up to being vulnerable.

To love.

All I could do was let go of my anger, let go of my judgements, my fear and sorrow and stand in love.

All I could do was leave myself vulnerable to my feelings and let them pass me by.

I cannot change what these boys were doing. I am helpless to change them when I rail against them.

I can change how I think of them. How I experience their words and actions. How I help myself to claim my center, how I ease into my peace of mind, how I stand in love.

They do not know what they do not know -- and my forcing anger, upset, disgust, judgement, 'knowing' upon them would only create more of what I do not want in the world. It would only create a space for them to hold onto their 'right' to act the way they want, to say what they want -- and it would prevent them from seeing their contribution to the world is made up of every word they speak, breath they take, action they make.

I want a world of love and peace around me. I want to create a world of beauty. And no one can take that from me -- unless I give it to them.

When I am vulnerable, nothing can be taken from me, for I am holding onto nothing other than love.

To rail against them would create a world of 'us and them'. A world where they are 'wrong' and I am indignant and right in my judgements of them. A world divided.

I stood on the street, the night dark, the stars hidden behind a blanket of cloud. The youth walked by. I surrounded my thoughts of them with love. I sent my thoughts of love out to surround them.

Bless them. Strengthen me.

Let me be the love I create in the world around me.



Maureen said...

Your post brought to mind this little poem in Daniel Ladinsky's wonderful collection, "Love Poems from God":

"Relationship Booster"
"Here is a relationship booster/that is guaranteed to/ work: // Every time your spouse or lover says something stupid/ make your eyes light up as if you/ just heard something /brilliant."

You are so right: Let me be the love I create in the world around me.

dee said...

So beautifully written, and so very easy to forget to just let go and breathe at times.