Where I am is where I'm at.

To be a discoverer you hold close whatever you find and after awhile you decide what it is and then, secure in where you have been, you turn to the open sea and let go. William Stafford

Maureen of Writing without Paper wrote the above quote on, Waiting at the Crosswalk, a blog by Diane Walker at Contemplative Photography. Diane's blog, and Stafford's quote resonated with my psyche. I'm in that place of finding balance in the tension between all things. Of searching for stillness in the midst of chaos. Of holding on... to nothing... but the moment... passing through.

It has been a disquieting place.

In the busy-ness of Christmas, the doing ups and goings on, I have lost my sense of balance. I have quit doing the things I know nurture my soul, nourish my spirit, and feed my internal flame. I have given only cursory consideration to my morning meditations, hurrying myself along with thoughts of, "I'll settle for five minutes grace and be done with it."

Finding grace in being done with it quickly is an oxymoron.

I have been living my own contradictions. I have let go of doing the things I know are good for me and giving into the things I know un-quieten me: eating the wrong foods, not going for walks, avoiding taking care of the little things in my life, falling into mind-chatter filled silence...

This morning, as I settled into a considered meditation, I let go of hurry and sank into that space within where I connect with peace, inside and out. I drifted down into that deep sensation of being at One with God within and God without. Of being the Yin/Yang of my creation. The dark/light of my essence. I settled into myself and awoke to the calling of my spirit's voice.

It was a wake up call. A reminder that no matter how busy the world around me, when I take time to nurture my eternal flame within, I create space to hear my inner wisdom speaking up, speaking for, speaking with my spirit's calling. I become conscious of my doings that are undermining my being my highest good -- those things that lead me into my goings on that devalue my greatest being.

Ahhhh.......

There is no one in this world who can create happiness within me. That's my job. My responsibility. I am 100% accountable for my goings on, doing ups and falling downs. I am 100% responsible for my words, actions, thoughts, deeds. I am accountable for me, myself and I.

No matter how much or how hard I attempt to abdicate my responsibility, when I'm feeling out of sorts, out of sync, off balance, off center -- it's me pulling me in whatever direction I'm going.

It's me keeping me from being where I'm at.

I breathe.

and sink

into that space

where I connect

to my eternal flame

burning up

the chaos

without

holding on

to my need

to be

anything

anyone

anywhere

other than

where and who I am.

I breathe

and find myself

again

where I began

at the centre

of my being

all I'm meant to be

when I let go

of being

anyone

other than

who I am.

The question is: Are you avoiding doing the things that nurture you? Feed you? Nourish your spirit and calm your being? When will you decide to stop?