Seeing through my heart

The Divine dwells within you, and desires that you heal.

Carolyne Myss and Peter Occhiogrosso

In the Ayruveda, it is said that the soul is already perfect. In our human imperfections, we don't fully realize it. In our spiritual quest to 'become' the perfection of our human birthright, we work at healing old wounds, soothing the past, creating new pathways to a better tomorrow. In our quest to 'be' the perfect Divine creation we were born to be, regardless of our faith, we seek wisdom to heal ourselves, without realizing our essence isn't broken, it's just not visible to us. We don't have the 'eyes' of our heart open to see the beauty that has been within us all along.

The first Sunday after Conrad was arrested in May 2003, my sister and her girlfriend invited me to attend church with them. It was a Christian church, Lynn Valley Gospel, in North Vancouver. I was feeling pretty broken and wounded. Pretty well spent. I said, "Yes" because 'yes' was easier than resisting. Anyway, I knew I need help. I knew I needed something to sustain me and I figured I might as well go check out whether or not I'd find it in a church?

Now, it's important to note that I was pretty angry with God at this point. For almost five years I had pleaded daily with my angels to "STOP! Please make it stop. This pain. This turmoil. This fear. This horror. Please make it stop."

And nothing happened, or so I told myself. Even God had forsaken me. Even Death was too busy to come and fetch me.

And then he was arrested and I was set free and in gaining my freedom from his abuse, I could see, feel, taste, sense the miracle of my life. So, when I walked into that church, I was feeling grateful while at the same time feeling sad and sorry and worried and fearful and even suicidal still. (Though I was consciously focusing my thoughts on choosing Life over Death, there were moments when thoughts of death felt very appealing).

On that Sunday, I walked into the church, sat down beside my sister and closed my eyes and took a breath. There was a whole lot of happiness going on around me. I wasn't sure I could take it all in.

At the front of the church the 'worship team' was just finishing a song. The team consisted of a pianist, 2 guitars, drum and vocalist. They were accomplished and lively. They ended their song and the lead vocalist invited everyone to close their eyes and listen to the words of the next song with open hearts.

"Open the eyes of my heart Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see you.
I want to see you."
Lyrics and music by Paul Baloche

I started to cry.

I mean cry. Really cry. Tears streamed from my eyes, down my face. I tried to pretend they weren't falling. I tried to hide my face. To push them back against my eyelids and stem the flow.

I couldn't figure it out. Nobody had even spoken yet and there I was, tears steaming down my face, sitting amidst a couple of hundred people, listening to a song I'd never heard before, crying my eyes out.

I wanted to resist. To push back the power of those words to move me, to touch me, to reach me.

And I just sat there crying.

I still feel the tears inside my heart whenever I hear that song today. It still moves me, touches me, reaches inside me and opens the eyes of my heart to the wonder and the joy and the beauty of my Divine essence. It still awakens me to the truth of my human condition: I am a child of God, the Divine expression of His amazing grace.

So much of the journey through the Conrad years was about loss. Loss of self. Loss of my embrace of my Divine essence. Loss of my spiritual knowing.

So much of my journey throughout my life has been about reclamation. Reclamation of self. Of my Divine essence. Of my spiritual being.

When I look back at the Conrad years, I see with an open and loving heart the path I took to here today. I see the pitfalls, the potholes and the gaping wounds. And I see the beauty of that journey that awoke me to the song within my heart, a song I still sing today, knowing, I don't need to search for my spiritual essence. I already hold it. Within me. And it already holds me. I am already whole. I am already healed. I am already embraced by the Divine.

When I get out of the way of my own thinking, I am at peace.

When I get out of the way of my doing, I am enough.

When I get out of the way of my being, I become all I am; the Divine expression of God's amazing grace.

The question is: Are you willing to open the eyes of your heart and see your amazing grace?

Here is a beautiful version of this song that moved me to tears of healing performed by the original Mercy Me.