Controlling my state of being.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22)

I read the theme for this week's Blog Carnival and thought, maybe I can miss it. Maybe I can be too busy? Perhaps on Tuesday I'll have a funeral to attend, Or a root canal booked. Perhaps, I'll give myself a break. I just won't do it. No excuses. No reason. Just because... I choose not to.

Self-control.

That's the word prompt.

Self-control.

I exercised it recently. Just last evening. Took Ellie for a walk. It was a picture perfect early spring evening. The river flowed in the valley bottom. We walked high up on the ridge. The wind rustled through the grasses, telling stories of places far away, of where it's been and how it's going to pass along the secrets of other times.

I walked along the trail that edges the ridge and Ellie meandered amidst the grasses.

Above a wedge of swans passed over. I looked up. Looked through the ethereal white of their wings. Whispered edges. Blue sky streaming into infinity. I listened to their honks. Joyful. Gleeful. Filled with delight. Necks craned forward, they flew, delicate tapestry of wings whirring in the air. They flew and honked and I stood beneath them, neck craned upward, staring up into their beauty. Entranced. To the south, a lone swan honked. Plaintive. Complaining. He furiously flapped its wings. "Wait for me. Wait for me." he cried, wings flapping as he flew, closer and closer, cutting the wedge off as it arced towards him. Relieved, his plaintiff cry turned joyful as he added his honk to the caucus of the bevy.

Exercise in self-control.

I wanted to scramble down the ridge to the valley bottom. I wanted to meander through the woods, let Ellie race into the water. I wanted to linger in the evening glow of dusk settling.

It was too late. Too much at risk wandering through the woods at night. Coyote. Cougar. Bear. They frequent this river valley too. Man as well.

Time to turn back.

Ellie looked longingly at the river below. I turned back. Turned towards the beaten path. Another time, I told her. We'll start out earlier in the evening.

I paused to savour the view. I glanced west towards the gold and crimson, violet and indigo hues of the setting sun.

I breathed deeply.

Self-control.

Once, I feared losing control. Feared being out of control and got so far on the other side of my control, I could not control my self.

I let go. Let loose. Unhooked. Untethered my connections.

Out of control I lost all sense of direction, all knowing of my self.

And then I found myself on the other side of the darkness. Found myself in that place where to control my self, all I needed was to remember, that was then, this is now.

This is now.

Self-control.

I imagine a car. A fast little sports car. The smell of leather. Wooden panels. Gleaming lights on console. Tight space. Bucket seat contoured snugly around my body. Hand warm on the knob of the gearshift. Cool, smooth wood. Foot on accelerator. Foot pressed into clutch. I ease up on the clutch. Ease into speed. Smoothly.Deftly. Change gear. Speed up. Feel the road beneath me. Feel the car hugging the pavement. Leaning into the curve. Speed up. In control. Shift gears. Faster. Faster. Shifting gears. Eyes on the road.

In control.

I cannot help myself, my eldest daughter once proclaimed after a particularly dramatic outburst involving her sister, a borrowed sweater and a missing button.

If you can't help yourself, I asked. Who can?

To control my life is to give up all need to be in control. To lean into what's happening around me is to let go of all control of the world outside me as I shift into gear my inner being, my inner knowing. I am exercising self-control when I give up giving into my fear that the world around me is out of my control.

It is.

I didn't go to the river's bottom last night. I exercised self-control. It is a muscle I am learning to control so that my world does not drive itself out of control. Last night, I pulled back before I journeyed into the darkness of the forest. Before I felt the cool of night edging at my peace of mind.

I told myself I didn't need to slip into the darkness. I didn't need to exercise my will to defy my self-control. I only needed to surrender and fall into that place where I am at one with my world, no matter its condition, no matter my state of being. That place where I know, all is well with my soul. I am safe in God's embrace.

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It's another Blog Carnival Tuesday, sponsored by Bridget Chumbley of One Word at a Time and Peter Pollock of Rediscovering the Church.

No matter that the theme awoke my trepidation of venturing into that place where I feared the need to examine self-control, it is a wonderful day!

The Blog Carnival is a biweekly online event open to anyone. Participants are invited to write an essay on a one-word prompt or topic. This week's is "self-control".

Click here to become immersed in what other's have written on the power of self-control. I promise, you will be enlightened!