Searching for my Buffalo

The Beauty of Fog

Haziness is the life
Future, the swells of ocean
Solid no more
But the trees with the
soft fog leaves
What am I seeing
How can I trust
How can I tell
You never can!

Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche
Composed May 11, 1996, in Nova Scotia, Canada.

Buddhist monk and scholar, the Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche, tells the story of a man who searched for his buffalo believing it to be lost. He searched, in the mountains. On the plains. On the beach. He wandered days looking for his beast only to return home without him. And then, he walked into the stable and discovered the Buffalo had always been there.

Some time ago, Thelma Box, founder and facilitator of Choices, said to me, "I experience you Louise as a woman who will never find an answer good enough for you."

Last night, I sat with my boss, the Executive Director of the homeless shelter where I work, who commented much the same insight. "You're always searching for answers. Looking for the gem of wisdom that will create a perfect world. It's already in you."

He was sharing his thoughts on my strengths -- and weaknesses. An informal performance review.

I laughed when he told me that and shared the story of Thelma's comment.

In Muslim faith, the oral tradition, known as hadith, shares the sayings and teaching of Muhammad from follower to follower. One written down 'truth' attributed to Muhammad, is, "Allah did not create any illness without also creating the remedy, except death [old age]."

In the Midrash Tanhuma, Jewish writings which form part of the Talmud, in Yitro 8, it is written, "There is no affliction for which there does not exist a cure."

Is there a cure for constantly searching for answers out there when the answers already exist within?

Like Rinpoche's farmer searching for his Buffalo, I search for answers out there in the world, never satisfied that the answer I find is the answer I need to make sense, to understand, to know all there is to know, to be all there is to be, to become all there is to become.

I search and in my searching go out into the world when within me, within my inner being, the path to knowing, to healing, already exists.

Always did. Always will.

We come into this world as an act of Love. The divine expression of God's amazing Grace. Perfect. Miraculous. Mystical.

And then, life happens. We lose sight of our perfect beginnings as time and space and happenings collide to block us from the view of the miracle of our lives. We cover our eyes, block our hearts, shut down our minds and become blinded to our truth by the idea, 'this is as good as it gets'. I am 'less than' and there's nothing else to be got from looking inside for my answers. There must be somewhere, someone, something, out there in the world that will make it all make sense for me.

And then, we encounter the somewheres, someones, somethings and struggle to make sense of why their nonsense doesn't sit well in our hearts and minds and spirits. We struggle to understand our role in creating the nonsense in the world around us.

Or we meet someone who has it all. Has the happiness we desire. The career. The home. The past, future, present we have always dreamed of.

And we wonder, why them? What do I need to do to have what they have?

We yearn. We pine. We wonder and continue searching for our lost buffalo somewhere out there.

And then, one day, hopefully, we wake up to the truth within us. No one has our answers. Nowhere out there is the answer to our inner happiness, peace, tranquility, completeness. The path to our well-being is and always has been, within us.

The Buddha calls it, 'Complete Wakefulness'. "The actual point of all our efforts on the spiritual path is simply to return to the state of complete wakefulness, which is the true nature of our minds," writes Rinpoche in Finding Your Buffalo. "Our minds are brilliantly clear and aware naturally, but that brilliant wakefulness is hidden from our view by clouds of confusion. These clouds are caused primarily by the turbulence of our thoughts and emotions. There is so much commotion going on in our minds that our view of who we are and what the world is like is distorted."

There is a cure for my searching. There is a healing path that leads inward, deeper into my knowing of who I am. And when I live my truth, I do not yearn to find the perfect answer. I do not search for the perfect way to my perfection. I already have it. It is, and always has been, within me.

For the answer to my question, Who am I?, is, I am enough. Always have been. Always will be.

Enough.

Enough searching
for answers somewhere out there
where I see what I desire
reflected back
in the eyes of those
who have
what I want
and don't see
they already have
what they need
to see
in them
and I
in me.

Nameste.