An Expectant Uncertainty

Time sets the stage; fate writes the script; but only we may choose our character.

Liam Thomas Ryder

When I was 23 I had an argument with my parents and brother that set me on the path of self-discovery. They didn't like me. Were pretty clear in the words they used to describe me. Pretty vocal in their judgements. Now, I must mention that this conversation was fuelled by alcohol on their part and exhaustion on mine. I'd come to the party late. Unprepared for the ambush that awaited me. And I was confused. I didn't think I was a bad person but if these individuals who knew me so well thought I was so vain, conceited, selfish and unlovable -- maybe they were right.

I had a friend who told me 'hogwash'. Don't let others determine your character. Don't let others tell you your worth.

I heard him but I wondered. These people are not just 'others'. These people are my family. They have known me all my life. What if they're right?

"Is that who you want to be?" my friend asked.

No, I replied with certitude.

Problem was, I didn't really know who I was if I wasn't who my family told me I could be. And so, frightened, alone, confused, I set out to find me.

It has been an amazing journey. I've travelled highways and bi-ways that even I, in all my wild imaginings, could not have imagined.

There are things I have done that were not so nice. There are things I have done that were wondrous. And, there are those things that stand out, that absolutely define me. None of them do I regret. Not one of them can I change. And some of them continue to resonate, to expand my being, to nourish my spirit and open my heart to the wondrous, miraculous and mystical power of Love.

In Love, I participated in the greatest gift of all. A gift that continues to fill my life with wonder. A gift that continues to fill my world with Joy. It is, The gift of my daughters. There is nothing in my life that compares to the gifts they have given me. To the joy with which they have filled my world. The gift of their lives touching mine has opened me up to truth and beauty, love and compassion, sorrow, joy and laughter. They have opened me up and set me free.

It was the moment of their births that resonates with me every day. I remember holding them after they were lifted out of the womb and being in awe of their beauty and perfection, the miracle of their beings.

I remember wondering, "If I can see the miracle in my daughters, what is stopping me from seeing the miracle of me?"

And so the journey unfolded.

It has at times been awkward. It has at times been painful. I have hurt those I love. I have been hurt by those whom I believed loved me. I have been deceived. I have been awoken. I have been touched and nurtured, loved and celebrated. I have been given amazing gifts and wondrous moments to stand in awe of the power and the beauty of the human spirit. I have been given forgiveness. I have been given grace.

Through it all, through every step, every moment, every breath I have been supported and loved and carried by the unseen presence of a Divine Spirit I could not see, nor touch, nor feel. At times, I did not believe it was even there. I did not believe it cared about me.

At times, I have questioned my right to be in this world. I have struggled to keep myself here. I have hidden from my light. I have fallen into darkness. I have let go of truth. I have embraced the lie that I was unworthy. And I have fallen. Fallen and fallen into the dark because it felt so welcoming, so safe, so secure. I fell so far into the dark it took a miracle of the Divine kind to set me free.

And I was blessed.

For in that moment of Divine intervention, I was given the gift of my lifetime. I was given the truth of my existence in this human realm. The irrefutable fact that -- I am a being of light. In this exact time and place to live this one wild and precious life passionately in love with all I am, all I can be when I let go of certainty and leap into Love.

It is an expectant uncertainty this place I'm in. I know me. I love me. I am Love. I see Love all around me. I see each of us as our unique and beautiful expression of Love.

In this place of not knowing what tomorrow may bring, I reach for expectancy and touch uncertainty. What will unfold will be an expression of the Divine and the Divinity of my world. It may not be to my plan, nor my control. I may not be able to determine or hold onto my planned outcome, but no matter what unfolds, it will always be a reflection of the steps I take, the words I speak, the choices I make. It will always be an expression of Love. For in light, or darkness, in uncertain times and expectant uncertainty, I choose Love.

The certain thing is, this moment shall pass into another. And in its passing, when I step confidently and humbly in Love, I am certain of one absolute: I am an expression of Divine grace resonating through every cell of my being at peace with my human condition unfolding in the wonder and awe of Love.

Nameste

Thank you to Kat over at "Hey Look, A Chicken!" who inspired me this morning in her beautiful post, The Graciousness of Uncertainty.