Life is meaningless only if we allow it to be. Each of us has the power to give life meaning, to make our time and our bodies and our words into instruments of love and hope. Tom HeardYesterday as C.C. and I stood in the kitchen briefly catching up, I said, "I'm sorry for causing you pain. I never meant for my love to hurt you."
"You don't need to apologize," he said. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"It isn't about right or wrong," I replied. "Whatever my intent, I said things that hurt you. And I want you to know I never meant to do that." I paused. "An apology isn't just for me. It's for the other person too. I see their pain. I see them. I want to create peace, not pain. I am willing to hold myself accountable so that they can let go of feeling like they have to hold me accountable."
We went along our way and I wondered, "Is that true, Louise? Do you really believe that?"
Yes. I do.
Whatever my intent, or whether I meant to hurt someone or not (and sometimes, on a deeply unconscious level the intent is to hurt to avoid internal pain), if in their receiving of what I've done, they perceive it as painful, then I must be true to my authentic self. I must stop my inner chatter of justifying why I am right and they are wrong and the mind game of 'well if they weren't so immature they wouldn't take it that way', or 'I'm not responsible for how they hear what I say' and all the other mind games I like to play to absolve myself of taking responsibility for what I have said or done. An apology ends my relationship with justifying my bad behaviour in my mind, it frees me up to be authentic and relieves both of us of the burden to carry the pain of our encounter -- if we choose.
It's always in our choices.
I have, in my relationships with pretty well everyone I know who is close to me, at some point or other, acted out. Not because I intended to. It is never my intent to act down to my lesser instincts but always to act up to my higher good. But, because I am human and because I sometimes forget myself in the heat of a moment or the fear of having my feelings hurt, I act out. I lose sight of my accountability factor in what I do and say, and react from a visceral level where, in the face of disappointment I contract into a knee-jerk reaction designed to protect me from perceived pain in the moment. And often, those knee-jerk reactions involve inflicting pain on those closest to me in my external world to avoid pain internally.
The conclusion of my relationship with C.C. holds great disappointment. In the face of disappointment, I always have the option to contract or expand. To contract and act out in a haze of habitual defense mechanisms designed to protect me in the face of disappointment. Or, to expand into the question "Who am I going to be in the face of this?"
Life's stumbling blocks hold enormous opportunity for me to grow and learn and expand and breathe into the magnificence of my destiny. Who I am in the face of disappointment reflects my worldview, and, it determines my future. If I operate from a scarcity model -- there is no love or lover for me. I shall always be alone. -- the in the moment experience of disappointment will trigger my 'lesser than' thinking. I will view the world as against me. I will think in, 'the universe doesn't care', sound bites. 'God is only there for others, not me.' 'What's the point? Love doesn't last.' 'I'll never find true love.'
When I stand up for what I believe. When I turn up for me, with dignity, grace, respect, life expresses itself through me in a myriad of bountiful and beautiful ways. When I shift my perspective from 'life happens to me', to 'I am the source of life happening through me', I acknowledge my power to co-create with Life. I acknowledge my true destiny of being One with the One in a partnership designed to express my life's desires in wholeness, unity and harmony.
In the gift of my relationship with C.C. I have found the answer to 'what do I want in relationship'. I never really had a clear understanding of what is possible, what is important, for me. I had a paternal view with the man as the father, and me as the child. Just as God is the father and I am His child.
In my new and enlivened perspective, God is my partner. I have a say in those things I am yearning to create.
The universe is not out to get me.God is not out to get me. And Life is not out to pull me down.
C.C. was not out to get me. Nor to pull me down. Like me, he was out to find love. To live love. To be in love. Through our relationship we have both learned much about how we are in relationship. How we relate to a beloved.
I have been blessed with this relationship. Through it, I have come to appreciate where I still hold onto fear and limiting beliefs of what 'being in love' means for me. The gift is, to embed my learning within me, to view this relationship as a regenerative process through which I grow and expand and become more of who I am when I embrace the truth -- Life is good. Life is for me. Life desires to express through me the limitless possibilities of my greatest creations in Love.