I am deep within a dream. I hear crying. Sobs. Sorrow. Above me, the giant globe of the world vibrates with emotion.
I am Sisyphus. Condemned to roll a giant boulder up a mountainside. Condemned to watch it fall back, again and again.
The ball is the world. My mission to carry the sorrow of the world… forever.
Like Albert Camus, in his original The Myth of Sisyphus, I see the absurdity of my task. I know I must see myself as ‘happy’ to end my suffering and thus the suffering of the world.
I must make the world happy.
Hello? Carry the sadness of the world forever? Make the world happy?
So, aren’t I the powerful one!
Who made me God?
Yet, I see the linkages.
My mother, beautiful, gentle, soft and kind was also spectacularly unhappy. It has been a battle she has endured all her life. I do not remember laughter with my mother. Smiles. Joy. I remember sadness.
Years ago, in an attempt to understand her and to create a more amicable relationship, I asked her to tell me her life story. Within minutes of beginning, she started to cry. And she kept crying. For two and a half hours she cried. But she could not stop telling her story.
At the time, I remember thinking, “Ah, now I understand. She has been in a massive depression since before I was born.”
But it didn’t do much to change our relationship. We continued to grate against each other, rub up against the soft spots, butt up against the hard edges of our judgments of the other.
“Now we can have a better relationship,” my mother told me. “Now you’ll be different.”
“To have a better relationship we both have to be willing to change,” I replied.
I was wrong.
It doesn’t take two to change a relationship, it only takes one. For when one changes how they are acting within the construct of that relationship, the dynamics shift and change happens. The minute only one does something different, it is changed.
I don’t have to change who I am. I have to change how I am in the world to create a change in my world around me.
It’s not my job to change the world.
Who made me God?
It was a good question to awaken to. A deep thought to embrace.
And in that truth is the deeper knowing, I am created in the image of God, Yahweh, the Great Creator, a Higher Power, Allah, Buddah... I am the living, breathing essence of Love manifesting itself in the human being here on earth.
We are all a manifestation of Love in the form of our Being on earth. And sometimes, we have to walk in the darkness until we see the light.
We are here to be of service. To be of value to this globe spinning through time and space in its endless pursuit of the warmth of the sun and the call of the moon. To be as one with the ebb of the tides and the flow of the rivers, the birth of a flower and the death of a leaf.
To be as one.
I don’t have to make the world happy. The world and all its beings already have the capacity to do that.
My job, my function as a human being is to find my happiness within and express it freely in everything I do.
There was a point in meditation last night when, sitting in the group, connected to the circle of love-filled energy we created, I fell into a deep, deep sleep. My awakening was sudden. A thought cascaded into my mind with the purity of a light beam piercing the night. “I am free when I quit being anyone other than who I am.”
In being me, it is my choice to stop picking at the wounds of the past and accept the present of this moment. To stop the bleeding, I must stop scratching at the scab.
It is my choice to quit being angry at the world for not turning in my direction and turn instead to face the light. To be light, I must stand in the light.
It is my choice to quit fighting against injustice and embrace peace. To know peace of mind I must let go of discord.
It is my choice to give up holding onto fixing you and fall in love with healing me. To heal myself I must accept myself as I am.
And, it is my choice to stop railing against pain and surrender to Love.
Nobody made me God. But God did create me. And in His/Her/Its divine intention, I am free to express myself as a brilliant reflection of all that I am.
And in my expression of all that I am, I let go of holding up the world, though sometimes, I fear letting go.
I drop the need to make the world happy and focus instead on being responsible for my own happiness though sometimes I want to heal the world to avoid my own pain.
And in letting go of being accountable for the sorrows of the world, I take up the mantle of self-expression where all that I am and all that I do radiates into a world of harmony all around me.
And in my freedom to express myself, I become the one I’ve been seeking. I become the one I’m meant to be as I fall in love with being who I am.
It is the Circle of Life.
I am having Internet issues at home and have not been able to be online much the past two days -- I am looking forward to fixing my modem and reading up on all your doings and writings and heartfelt words this weekend!
Hugs and blessings,