Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Life as I know it

"In order to make any progress in learning to Love and trust ourselves we need to have a Spiritual belief system that supports the possibility that we are unconditionally Loved. This is vital in helping us to stop shaming and judging ourselves."Robert Burney, Codependence, The Dance of Wounded Souls
I am in awe of our human spirit. Our beauty, our light, our radiance.

And in my awe, I am intrigued. By our resistance as human beings to resist being Love. Being That which I believe to be a spiritual truth: We are Love. We are a reflection of the Divine, God, goddess energy, Great Spirit, Higher Power -- whatever we call the God of our understanding -- We are Love.

When I was in my twenties, three separate events lead me to believe I was subconsciously trying to 'kill my essence'. I didn't believe and didn't feel, suicidal, but three separate incidences lead me to believe -- my subconscious was trying to tell me something, and I wasn't getting the message.

After the third event -- where I ended up in intensive care in a hospital in Hawaii after almost drowning in a scuba diving accident -- I returned home and went to my doctor.

"I think I'm trying to kill myself," I told him. And I laid out the facts. An ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and almost killed me. A car accident that I miraculously survived and the diving accident.

"Ridiculous," he said (or something to that effect). "You couldn't have predicted nor planned any of those events. Maybe you're just accident prone."

I didn't believe him. Consciously or subconsciously, if I was accident prone, why was I choosing that as my path, as my way of being in the world?

And so, I set out to uncover the 'truth'. What was going on in my psyche that I kept putting myself in such danger I almost died?
It was attention seeking behaviour. Whose attention was I trying to get?

It took many years. Many years and many difficult and challenging and painful situations to finally see the light. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was trying to get my own attention. I was trying to wake myself up.

I was trying to wake myself up from a deep psychic sleep where my pain lay buried beneath sorrow and grief and shame and confusion. That place where my 'essential truth' lay covered up by a life of self-denial and abnegation of the beauty and wonder of my spiritual essence expressing itself through my human being.

It wasn't until after the experience with the man who abused me so completely I wanted to die that I realized -- that relationship was just another way of waking myself up to my truth. That experience was just part of the journey of my awakening to the beauty and wonder of who I am when I let go of fear and shame and self-pity and self-denigration and step fearlessly into being who I am in Love with all I am -- past and present.

I sometimes jokingly say -- I'm an experiential learner. I like 'big' experiences to get the message. Sometimes, the universe needs a two-by-four to get my attention.

I'm giving it up.

Giving up going 'big' for getting real.

Real up close and personal, real involved with living this one life now, exactly the way I am without all the need to take it so personally I think it's all about me, myself and I.

It's not.

All about me.

It is all about how I respond. How I react. How I move through each moment of each day -- in Love or in self-disgust.

I've had a lifetime of loathing who I am and how I am in the world. A lifetime of listening to others tell me my worth, tell me what I can do, what I should believe, how I should be in the world.

Here's the deal. There's only one way for me to be in the world -- and that's in Love.

In Love with me and the world around me. In Love with LIFE. Beautiful. Messy. Unpredictable and oh so fragile and precious LIFE.

Which means, regardless of what is going on around me, I always act perfectly human in all my human imperfection. Sometimes, I fall down. Sometimes, I soar.

Doesn't matter how high I fly or how low I go. What matters is, no matter where I'm going, what I'm doing, I'm doing it in Love with who I am, how I am, what I am in the world today living LIFE for all I'm worth.

Enough letting myself down easy. Enough beating myself up hard. Enough.

I am enough.

Just the way I am. Right here. Right now.

And the rest... it's just part of this human experience called LIFE on earth.

9 comments:

Maureen said...

It's liberating, just to say those words: "I am enough."

Kathleen Overby said...

We are a "beautiful mess"! Have you heard that song? :)

M.L. Gallagher said...

It is liberating Maureen! Absolutely.

And I haven't heard it kathleen -- I'll go look for it!

thanks :)

trisha said...

a beautiful journey into your self- glad to have you back after such a long break.

lots of love.
trisha

Anonymous said...

Elgie,

Sometimes it is painful to listen/read of your struggles - it seems so hard - I wish I could help.

Here are some words - a quote from Anais Nin, that help me and they might help you too:

'We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.'

Walk easier, softer . . . and the world is easier, softer

Cheers,

Mark

S. Etole said...

you are wonderfully made indeed ...

{your comment today was greatly appreciated}

JTS said...

"I am enough. Just the way I am. Right here. Right now."

Amen!! How I wish every woman... every person could understand this concept and learn to live it. The constant struggle to change can be exhausting. If I am ok with who I am and where I am, I will continue to grow toward the light naturally.

Beautifully written, thank you!

Ruth said...

It's fascinating, Louise, to think of those experiences this way. It makes a lot of sense, that you were trying to wake yourself up. It takes so much experience and life learning to understand this, as you have done. I just wish many of us women would have been able to learn it in our homes growing up, you know?

My friend Inge has breast cancer (she survived, thankfully!), and she calls it her "cosmic two-by-four." Nothing like coming to terms with what is important. And what you write about is it: Love.

Someone said that it's no one else's responsibility to love me. When I accept that, and that it is mine, what a relief!

trisha said...

how are you feeling now?

i am trying two things, and i will really love to make you part of them both or atleast one of them.

will you check these blogs when you have time?

http://etherealheights.wordpress.com
http://earthinbw.wordpress.com


If you like the idea all you will have to do is leave the URL of the work you want to share with us in the Thursday Post (weekly).

lots of love.