I give my head a shake. Take a breath.
I don't write here to calm wars or troubled seas. I write here to calm me, to claim my peace of mind.
It is in times like these that it is vital and important to write of heart matters, to dream of peace and love, to work for peace and love, to breathe into the pain of a world in upheaval and pray... for peace, for healing, for calm to be restored so that homes can be rebuilt, lives reclaimed, life re-engaged.
Yesterday a friend wrote and asked, What else could you do every morning at 6am other than be at the computer blogging? i.e. is it the best use of your considerable energy and talent.
I'm sure there are other things I could do. But I like doing this. I choose to do this. It brings me pleasure, keeps me living on purpose and connects me to a world of beauty and wonder and amazing people. Writing here every morning keeps my writer's fingers nimble, my mind engaged, my spirits lifted. Writing here is what I do. Writing here is something I do every morning just for me. It is my choice. It makes me happy.
Years ago, a therapist I was seeing asked me to close my eyes and imagine I was sitting under a tree, resting in the heat of a hot summer's day. Someone approaches and offers me an ice cream. "What kind of ice cream do you choose?" he asked.
I thought a moment and said, "Lemon Gelato."
"Why Lemon Gelato", he probed.
I had to think of a 'good' answer. I hemmed and hawed. "Because gelato's got fewer calories than ice cream."
"Why else?" he asked.
"I like lemon."
"Why else?" he asked again.
He was beginning to tick me off. I struggled to find more reasons and did -- find more reasons.
Finally, he threw up his hands and exclaimed, "Louise! Stop. Do you see what you're doing?"
I looked at him, confused. "Answering your question."
"Because you asked me why I chose lemon gelato. I was telling you why.
"Do you need to justify why you're choosing lemon gelato? What business is it of mine? Who gives a damn why you want lemon gelato? What's stopping you from stating, 'It's my choice?'"
And that was when the truth hit me. In my need to answer his question was my victim's voice.
In my constant searching for the 'right' answer was my victim's place of feeling obliged to explain myself. In my answers were the clues to my feelings of being less than. My need to 'find the right answers' so people would like me.
The power is in my choice. The power is in claiming I choose what I choose because I do.
The power is not in my justification of my choices.
That day, sitting in my therapists office, listening to the tick tock of the clock on the mantle, hearing his voice pound me with questions I scrambled to answer was, and still is, a huge lesson for me. A big leap of understanding. Of self-enlightenment. Of inner knowing.
I have often defended my choices when all that was required was a simple, "I want to." "It's what I choose." or even, 'Thanks for sharing', and leaving it at that.
I still struggle to stay out of my victim's voice when faced with having to stand up for my choices, stand up for my right to choose what I believe is best for me.
And I'm growing, deeper into my position of knowing, I have my answers. No one else does.
It was an important question my friend ask me. "What else could you do every morning at 6am other than be at the computer blogging?
In the question, I am reminded once again -- I am powerful when I stand up for me, without defending my right to stand, without explaining why I'm standing and not sitting down, without justifying my need to stand, or sit, or fall, or walk away.
I am powerful when I stand up.
I am powerful when I sit down.
I am powerful when I fall.
I am powerful when I walk, towards, away, under or over.
I am powerful.
When I stand
in my 'I'.
I am grateful for the clarity that comes with knowing, I do what I do in my life because I choose to do what I do.
My life. My choice.
And I believe in my choices for me.
I trust others to be doing in their lives what is best for them to do, that what they are doing is the choice they want to choose to create more of what they want in life.
I write here every morning because I choose to.