Thursday, June 23, 2011

Evolutionary change

The view on my walk with Ellie

My eldest daughter, Alexis, arrived back from South Africa via Vancouver today. She actually arrived back in Canada last week, but, as she's moving to Vancouver, flew directly there before coming back here for a week.

The meeting I had scheduled was postponed so I could, unexpectedly, pick her up at the airport. And, because we're 'us', we decided to stop off at our favourite restaurant for a late lunch and conversation. And, because it was 'Cilantro', our favourite restaurant, we had to share a tear, or two. It's just what we do. I ask questions, she dives into her heart and the waters of her feelings flow free.

Alexis inspires me.

She is fearless. Heartfelt and heart-driven. The mirror of her feelings constantly reflects her beauty, regardless of the murky waters in which she may, or may not, be swimming.

Me, I like to hold off diving head-first into my heart by clinging to the foundational belief embedded in my mind, -- I know the answers and the answers keep me safe.

Which is why... I ask the questions and let her lead me to the heart of our human condition.

One of the things Alexis said to me that jarred my thinking to sink closer to the heart of my ennui -- along with her golden heart she is incredibly perceptive -- was a comment related to my writing here.

"Your blogs, at least some of them, have lacked in depth," she commented. "I get the feeling you're not really present." (or something to that effect -- at least that's what I heard her say.)

The hard part of Alexis comment is.... I know it. I've been feeling it. I've been experiencing it.

Maybe it is that after 1,446 posts (this is the 1,447th I've written since I began this blog on March 1oth, 2007) I am running out of things to write, or possibly, finding the imperative to write here every morning more of a chore than a labour of love, or, it's simply that I'm tired and need to re-focus, re-assess, re-jig what I do here every morning.

I'm not exactly sure of what it is. I do know the gifts I've received writing here every morning are plenty.

I've met some incredible people I treasure as friends and even sisters of the heart.

I've encountered people I truly admire and care about who turn up every day to read and share and support me. People I can turn up with and read and share and support too.

A place to write it out, think it through, work it over to find what is real and true and meaningful for me.

And, a place to hone my craft. To sharpen my writer's presence, to fill out my voice.

Writing here (almost) every morning for four years has been an incredible gift for me. It has given me too many gifts to count -- and I want the gifts and gift-giving to continue.

but.... and I know. I know... keep your but out of it... but, the but is, I need to reassess what I'm doing here, what I'm writing here, what I'm sharing and giving and learning.

I need to create value in all things I do -- and I'm not sure I'm focusing on value in my presence here. I'm wondering if I'm simply turning up here because... I must. It's a habit. It's expected. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how not to do it.

Which really means -- it's part of the evolution of being here. It's part of the learning, growth, change, expansion of being in this place.

So.... I'm still here. Still turning up. but I may start to shift how. Shift what. Shift the way to create value for me, you, and the universe.

I'm finding myself examining so many elements right now. My work. My purpose. My evolutionary being. And in that examination is the opportunity to grow and expand my understanding of who I am, where I am at, and what I am all about.

Which I find exciting! Exhilarating! Inspiring!

It's time to shake myself up. To destabilize the status quo and dive into the heart of all that matters to me, all that brings meaning to me, all that adds meaning to my life and the world around me.

So... bear with me please. I'm shifting. Evolving. Expanding.

And in that shift is room to explore new horizons.

In that shift is the more of life that awaits when I let go of 'knowing' and embrace my being inside out, outside in, living this one wild and precious life in the rapture of now, fearlessly diving into my heart without requiring directions to lead me there.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Louise,

I know your angst - not your facts, but your angst.

My column http://markmusing.com is on day #3017 ... so the stopping point/examination point you write of is not new to me

I share your daughter's observation - but have a slightly different take. We've not talked of it much, but I sense you are re-examining several things in your life and work that are 'not ready for publication yet' .. and, as a way to avoid our(your readers) collective peering into your psyche, you've dazzled us lately with lots of really interesting stories of 'other people' as a bit of a deflection . . .

I might be wrong, but I think there is a divide coming of what is public vs. what is not public in you writing.

Whatever you decide regarding this blog or other public conversation venues - I hope you continue to write regularly FOR YOU ...because, as we've all seen, you have grown so much in that process as a writer/journalist and as a LOUISE.

You've not strayed far away . . . but it is so nice to see you coming back again.

Big hug,

Mark

Anonymous said...

LG,

p.s. to earlier comment ... I just noticed something ..

I've always thought of your blog title as: recover your joy

this morning I saw it differently:

recovery our joy

both, perhaps, are what you mean, but before today I only saw it one way

now I see it two!

Mark

Louise Gallagher said...

Mark -- thank you. YOu are soooooo on!

:)

Hugs

trisha said...

i dont know what you have received but we have received a lot from you. a glimpse in a beautiful soul and the adorable people she deals with every day.

sometimes our stress shows up in your works but i never felt that you are not very much present in your posts- they come straight from your heart. your daughter knows you better ofcourse.

thanks for starting the blog, and oh yes, i wont deprive myself of this joy.

lots of love.

Louise Gallagher said...

Thank you Trish! YOur words warm my heart. Hugs

Maureen said...

I had to smile when I saw Mark's second comment, because for the longest time I always read your url as "recovery our joy" and then one day noticed my mistake.

I've been blogging since late 2009 and already at nearly 900 posts. I rarely if ever write about myself on my blog, though I think the person I am comes through in what I feature. I've been thinking of cutting back the number of posts per week and then always find something I want to write about. I'll have to make the effort deliberate if I intend to cut back to give myself more time for the non-writing sides of me.

It's important to have a space that's all yours. Your blog, like mine, gives each of us a space. You, especially, have a big heart that needs to open out in your space. It's all good!

Hugs.

Joyceann Wycoff said...

Louise ... wherever you go, we'll be there. Your expansion, evolution, shift will pave the way for us.

There are gifts in the discipline of writing every day. But there are also gifts in lying fallow long enough to let new seeds take root. Follow your heart. Wherever it takes you and whatever you share will be a gift to us.

S. Etole said...

There's not a lot I can add to what the others have said apart from the fact that there's a little lump in my throat when I think about the possibility of your not being here ...

Louise Gallagher said...

Oh thank you my friends! It's not that I won't be here -- it's that I want to ensure in being here I bring value and inspiration and love and all sorts of gifts!

Brandi said...

Can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear that you will continue to be here.

I love your compassion for others, your view of the world and many many other things....too many to list, in fact!

Hugs, sweet friend, and many good vibes on your journey :)

Fi said...

How lucky you are to have someone so perceptive in your life as your daughter. More so that you can talk and share these kinds of observations.

Life is all about evolving and changing and growing. I too had a lump in my throat at the thought you might not be around as much - part of my day is reading your post.

In the end though this blog is not about us or what we want (that's a side benefit) it's what it brings you and how it helps you grow, learn and evolve.

Good luck on the next stage of your journey and I'll still be here to follow the journey whether it's daily, weekly or monthly.

You do help us recover our joy!

Josie said...

I liked Mark's thoughts, they seemed to resonate with what I've felt. I know from my own blogging and blogging breaks that it doesn't work for me when I try to schedule or force it, even if there is a degree of writing discipline involved. I am never out of things to write about, my list is endless, but I do not always have the spirit of writing active within me. The time, the mood, my energy level, my surroundings, everything must be right for me to feel creative and like I have conveyed what I intend. I can always tell upon re-reading what I've posted if I was truly present and involved or just putting down the words. Sometimes I feel my heart in it, sometimes it falls flat. I expect that's pretty much true of all of us. Sometimes we do need to step back for a bit. I left blogging for a whole year... I missed it and I didn't. It consumes more of my time than I really have to give, but I feel frustrated when I can't blog at will. It is important to determine where you are at now and how you want to best express yourself and utilize your time and energy. I'm certain that we will find meaning and encouragement in anything you share with us at any time... when it works right for you!

nance marie said...

blogs aren't necessarily about depth.
i think it's more about showing up...interacting...
listening, commenting, laughing, crying.

there is a lot of mystery that happens just in simple connecting, writing, thinking and caring.

i also think that scoping things out and rejiggity jigging is good too.

it's all good.