The view on my walk with Ellie
My eldest daughter, Alexis, arrived back from South Africa via Vancouver today. She actually arrived back in Canada last week, but, as she's moving to Vancouver, flew directly there before coming back here for a week.
The meeting I had scheduled was postponed so I could, unexpectedly, pick her up at the airport. And, because we're 'us', we decided to stop off at our favourite restaurant for a late lunch and conversation. And, because it was 'Cilantro', our favourite restaurant, we had to share a tear, or two. It's just what we do. I ask questions, she dives into her heart and the waters of her feelings flow free.
Alexis inspires me.
She is fearless. Heartfelt and heart-driven. The mirror of her feelings constantly reflects her beauty, regardless of the murky waters in which she may, or may not, be swimming.
Me, I like to hold off diving head-first into my heart by clinging to the foundational belief embedded in my mind, -- I know the answers and the answers keep me safe.
Which is why... I ask the questions and let her lead me to the heart of our human condition.
One of the things Alexis said to me that jarred my thinking to sink closer to the heart of my ennui -- along with her golden heart she is incredibly perceptive -- was a comment related to my writing here.
"Your blogs, at least some of them, have lacked in depth," she commented. "I get the feeling you're not really present." (or something to that effect -- at least that's what I heard her say.)
The hard part of Alexis comment is.... I know it. I've been feeling it. I've been experiencing it.
Maybe it is that after 1,446 posts (this is the 1,447th I've written since I began this blog on March 1oth, 2007) I am running out of things to write, or possibly, finding the imperative to write here every morning more of a chore than a labour of love, or, it's simply that I'm tired and need to re-focus, re-assess, re-jig what I do here every morning.
I'm not exactly sure of what it is. I do know the gifts I've received writing here every morning are plenty.
I've met some incredible people I treasure as friends and even sisters of the heart.
I've encountered people I truly admire and care about who turn up every day to read and share and support me. People I can turn up with and read and share and support too.
A place to write it out, think it through, work it over to find what is real and true and meaningful for me.
And, a place to hone my craft. To sharpen my writer's presence, to fill out my voice.
Writing here (almost) every morning for four years has been an incredible gift for me. It has given me too many gifts to count -- and I want the gifts and gift-giving to continue.
but.... and I know. I know... keep your but out of it... but, the but is, I need to reassess what I'm doing here, what I'm writing here, what I'm sharing and giving and learning.
I need to create value in all things I do -- and I'm not sure I'm focusing on value in my presence here. I'm wondering if I'm simply turning up here because... I must. It's a habit. It's expected. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how not to do it.
Which really means -- it's part of the evolution of being here. It's part of the learning, growth, change, expansion of being in this place.
So.... I'm still here. Still turning up. but I may start to shift how. Shift what. Shift the way to create value for me, you, and the universe.
I'm finding myself examining so many elements right now. My work. My purpose. My evolutionary being. And in that examination is the opportunity to grow and expand my understanding of who I am, where I am at, and what I am all about.
Which I find exciting! Exhilarating! Inspiring!
It's time to shake myself up. To destabilize the status quo and dive into the heart of all that matters to me, all that brings meaning to me, all that adds meaning to my life and the world around me.
So... bear with me please. I'm shifting. Evolving. Expanding.
And in that shift is room to explore new horizons.
In that shift is the more of life that awaits when I let go of 'knowing' and embrace my being inside out, outside in, living this one wild and precious life in the rapture of now, fearlessly diving into my heart without requiring directions to lead me there.