I should have put the pillow under my butt not my feet.
My feet were fine. My butt. Sore. I wanted to shift. Change the weight from one cheek to the next.
But I didn't dare. We were deep into meditation. Around me, bodies sat still, cleansing the Astral field of our bodies. At least that had been the instructions of our guide, Dal.
"In the creative space of your imagination, imagine your body from just above the heart chakra to the pelvis floor. Cylindrical in shape..." and he went on to describe the zone in which we were to spend some time meditating, and cleansing.
I trust Dal. Am going on three years as a member of this group. I dove into my astral body.
My mind. Was not into diving. It wanted to keep thinking. Busy. Busy. Thoughts herding themselves into corners of the 12 ft high Astral field I was to be imagining.
How many thoughts can fill an Astral field? I wondered.
There always seemed to be more.
I looked up to the light force Dal had also asked us to imagine.
Imagine whatever comes off the walls of your Astral field is whisked away at the speed of light roaring through the top of your field. I washed and scrubbed the interior of my field. And the gunk kept getting whisked away.
Except the thinking about my butt. That thinking hung around causing discomfort throughout the meditation.
Until I sank down to the bottom of the field.
Began washing the black layers of gunk that lay piled on my pelvic floor. I wondered if the gunk was blocking the drain. Was that why I was feeling such discomfort. Such overwhelming fear and sadness.
There was no drain. This gunk too was whisked away by the speed of light and I kept sinking into the darkness.
And then, the tears came.
I couldn't stop them. Wanted to. Seriously. But they kept flowing. And flowing.
I wanted to look around at the others to see if I was the only one melting down.
But this was meditation. I was supposed to be sitting with my eyes closed cleaning my Astral field. Ego has no place in meditation. Which struck me as funny because ego always appears in meditation.
And then I saw it.
Fear. Raw. Visceral. Dark.
And sadness. Heavy. Deep. Numbing.
And more darkness.
So much darkness.
I wanted to run. To pick up my meditative state and high tail it out of there on the breath of a cast-off Good-bye!
I breathed. Grounded my being in earth and stayed. Grounded.
What's behind the darkness?
I kept cleansing.
And there it was.
Light. Beauty. Crystal clear. Prisms of rainbows reflecting off every surface.
It glistened in a deep sense of knowing.
This wondrous, amazing, incredibly awesome thing called life.
And when we opened our eyes and shared, I couldn't speak. The tears just wanted to flow. Seriously? No one else was crying. What was wrong with me?
Dal smiled. The Astral field is where the emotions live. To be authentic, we have to face the darkness, move into it, immerse ourselves in it and let it flow freely. Only through being it can we be authentic. It is all us. And always, no matter the darkness, on the other side, is light.
and feel the darkness resting in the light.
I am light.
I am grateful.
And next time, when my butt hurts, I'll just move the pillow from under my feet to relieve the pressure.