Saturday, December 31, 2011

Intent on my Relationships

I like New Year's and I like the idea of New Year's resolutions. Not the making of them. No. The making of resolutions can be scary. I mean -- seriously -- how many resolutions have I made and not kept? But I do like the 'idea' of resolutions -- like goals, they give me something to aspire to, something to work towards, to attain, to want to do to create more of what I want in my life -- challenge is, the breaking of making resolutions leaves me feelings dispirited. And so, I avoid making resolutions with the excuse -- silly things. If I'm going to break them. Why make them?

Because it's not about the resolutions I make. It's about the process I go through to create them.

It's in the self-assessment that I grow, that I find my truth, that I see where my weaknesses/soft spots/excuses have created opportunities for me to NOT live my best life yet. It's in the creating of resolutions I find myself with room to grow.

When I shift my perspective to focusing on the process of creating resolutions, I let go of the outcome and move into a healthier state of being.

One of the resolutions I've made this year comes out of spending the day with my eldest daughter yesterday.

In May of this year, she moved to Vancouver. In the process, I haven't given much thought to how I am going to live with my daughter living so far away (800 miles) I've basically just treated the distance between us as a non-issue. And yet, it is a factor in our relationship moving forward as she has no intent of ever moving back to Calgary -- and at this point in time, I'm not moving to the coast.

How am I going to keep our communication open? How do I keep the intimacy in our relationship strong so that we continue to enjoy the kind of relationship we've had? One where sharing our joys and our sorrows is central to our communication. One where I am focused on deepening our interactions -- not just letting them slide into the peripheral of surface talk that happens when I engage from my place of, I'm busy right now honey, let's chat later.

When communicating over a telephone, or SKYPE, or email, or text, 'later' can be dangerous as it's not as easy to just cuddle up and chat because you're both in the same place at the same time, or you've got ten minutes to connect, or a couple of hours to chat over a shared meal.

It's hard to be intimate when your mode of communication precludes connecting on a real and physical plane.

Unless I'm intentional in my communication, that is. Then it doesn't matter what the plane we're on, what matter is what I'm communicating, and most importantly, how engaged I am in our communication.

And that's the resolution I've made. To be 100% engaged in any communication I participate in.

With my eldest daughter that means being intentional in when we communicate AND when we communicate being focused only on our communication -- not being distracted by something I'm reading on my monitor, or doing the dishes while chatting, or whatever I do that takes me away from being 100% attentive on our conversation.

Which brings me to the core of my communication issue with my daughter -- I have not yet accepted she's moved away. That she is not physically present in the same city. Just a block or two away. Down the street, or a five minute drive away.

I still think she's at home and haven't consciously embraced this new reality.

Time to get real on the new circumstances of her life so that we can have real intimacy in our life -- as it is, not as I'm pretending it to be!

When seen through the filter of 'what do I want more of in my life?' I let go of my oppositional perspective that states, 'resolutions are stupid, nobody keeps them so why make them' to a place of balance. To that place where I know I am 100% responsible for my life. 100% accountable for what happens in it -- and from that place of accountability, I breathe deeply into my truth. If I want to have more intimacy and closeness in my relationships, I need to resolve to paying attention, being intentional and being present in my relationships, no matter where life has taken the one's I love.

Happy New Year everyone.

May your year be filled with living your best life yet. May you all enjoy a year of making a difference in everything that surrounds you, filling your world with Love.


Bev Pettigrew said...

Happy New Year to you too, Louise. We have so much to be grateful for and more to look forward to in the New Year. All the best. Bev and Larry

S. Etole said...

You give us good things to ponder. May your New Year hold much to embrace.

Fi said...

I felt a bit like like this when my mum moved a four hour drive away. I didn't except that she had moved so far away for the longest time.

I miss the chats and visits. I didn't see her all the time but I knew she was always just a short drive away. Now that she's moved away it does make me more conscious of our communication and not taking it for granted.

The book I was reading was called "One life to Live" by Jack Collis. It was a good book.

Hope you have a sensational New Year. Hugs, Fi

Anonymous said...

paying attention to a person that is talking...that is a good one. so many times i am not really listening...

Hope said...

I wish you well with your communication with your daughter. and I wish you the very best in 2012

take care Louise!