My epiphany

My epiphany didn't arrive with ringing bells and heralding angels. It didn't come riding in on a chariot drawn by four fire breathing stallions chomping at the bit of my fear or my belief that I would never awaken from the land of the living dead.

My epiphany came in the quiet of the night. In the silence of the dark winter of my soul crumbling beneath the fear that I would never find the one I'd lost in that journey through the hell of an abusive relationship. It came after I was set free. After I had spoken up and told the truth, to the police, my daughters, my family, my friends, to myself. It came in the quiet awakening of my realization that miracle's are free. Miracles are everywhere. It wasn't that God couldn't hear my suffering through those long years of despair. It was that I wasn't listening. It was me who couldn't see. Didn't believe.

And then, a miracle drove up in a blue and white police car and I was given the gift of freedom. The gift to choose living in a world of wonder, or dying in the hell of the living dead.

I chose life. Freedom. Beauty. Wonder.

I chose Love.

It is a choice I make everyday. A decision I embrace every morning. To live in Love. To stand in Truth. To walk in Beauty.

And I sing a chant I learned as a child, long ago, when I feared God would never love me,

I walk in beauty now. Beauty lies before me. Beauty lies above me, behind and below me.

In the darkness, God was there. In the darkness, the angels were protecting me. In the darkness, I was lost not because there was no light. I was lost because I wasn't looking for light, I was searching for answers in a man who wasn't true, in a love that wasn't real. I was lost because I did not believe I could be free.

In the light, I find my truth is here. Within me. Breathing life into every breath. Expanding beauty into every moment. In the light, I am free.

In freedom the darkness is illuminated by the light of Love. And in that light, I am free of my fear that I will never have enough, do enough or be enough. I am free of my fear, God will never love me.

I do. Have enough. I am enough. I have all I need to live this one wild and precious life in the rapture of now, abandoning myself to Love.

Just the way I am. The yin and yang of my perfectly human imperfections. Beauty and the Beast. Light and Darkness shining through the night, awakening to the truth, I am enough.

In the end, God never gave up on me. I gave up on Him. I turned my back on Love. I shut out the light.

My epiphany didn't come in a flash of insight. It came in the light dawning within me, in the beauty of knowing, I am all I need to be when I stand in Love.

For in the darkness and the light, Love is all there is to hold onto.

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Over at Maureen's Writing without Paper, she shares a poem today, Epiphany along with Marcus Goodyear's invitation to participate in an "Epiphany" challenge by sharing a poem or short story in a blog post or a public FaceBook post about an epiphany. 

To learn more and to find out how to participate, read Marcus's post "Only Zombies Worship Styrofoam Jesus". (it's a great read!)

Anyone may respond to the challenge. Post a link to your contribution on the Books & Culture FaceBook wall by December 15. Marcus will read all stories and poems and comment on as many as possible; Books & Culture editor John Wilson will comment on the best entries. In the New Year, during the first week of Epiphany, Books & Culture will feature a poem or story of choice.