In this moment right now, my mind is peaceful, my heart is grateful.
I wrote those words this morning in my journal and let their truth emanate throughout my being.
I love moments of clarity. Moments where the busy, busy noise-making chaos of the world subsides and I am alone with just the truth of the moment shining in my heart.
My mind is peaceful, my heart is grateful.
They don't come often, those moments of grace. At least, they don't come so often that when I feel like I imagine a Buddhist monk feels kneeling in front of butter pots praying, I want to get up and dance. Which of course, would defeat the purpose of my blissful state of being one with the moment -- to get into action.
It is the challenge of my existence, this wanting/needing to be 'in action' at all times.
Which is why meditation is so powerful for me. Channeling the energy, of which I have copious and it appears at times limitless amounts, into stillness.
Dance does help. At my dance group on Monday night I felt the shifts and nudges and movement of what was flowing out as I embraced what is and became one with the dance, with the movement of being alive in that very moment, just the way I was. Right where I was.
I felt it last night as well in meditation. That space of knowing, of clarity, of being One with the One. The past does not exist, it is only empty space the One said and I knew it to be true. The past is only a construct of my mind. It exists only in the one dimensional construct of space and time within my memory. And memory has been known to be faulty. It has been known to make mistakes. To reconstruct what was to fit my vision of what is today.
Take my memory and one of my sister's memory's of when I was a child. "You always faked being sick to get out of going to school," she laughingly said one day several years ago.
I was surprised. I do not remember ever faking being sick and I do not remember ever not wanting to go to school. In my memory of the past, I loved going to school. I loved learning and playing with friends and being 'useful' in the world. Plus, school got me out of the house -- and I liked that!
But there we were, both of us with different memories of the same events.
Neither of us right. Neither of us wrong. Because, today, there is no purpose, or need for those memories of what was or maybe was, or wasn't or maybe wasn't.
There is only need of what is real and true right now, right here, in this moment.
If a memory hurts you, let it go.
A therapist told me that once and I looked at them as if they were nuts and said, "But I can't." (Actually, I think I might have said something more along the lines of "Don't be ridiculous. That's impossible." -- but then, memory does like us to look better in the past so that we can hold onto the thought of who we'd have liked to have been, or behaved, or said or done.)
And my therapist eplied, "Memory is always our choice. We may not be able to choose what happens in our world today, but how we remember what did happen is always our choice."
I remember a time when I fell in love with a man who abused me. I remember those days and surround the memories in Love. In gratitude. Not for what he did. No. I am not grateful for what he did. I am grateful for where I am today. For who and how I am today for it is through those experiences I got here.
And when I am moving too fast to be still, I know it is me, just me, running from what I need to embrace, to sit still within and let be for as long as it needs to be.
I know that in my running from, I am escaping to a place where I do not have to be present in the moment of being me.
This morning, my mind is peaceful and my heart is grateful.
I am not running.
I am being. Present. Right now. In Love.