Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Pushed, I push back

Perhaps it is inevitable. That I awaken, write my 'making a difference' post and wonder... what shall I write here? what more have I to give?

And then, my soul laughs, a deep bellyful laugh. What more to give? Everything! And it leaps up and down and rolls on the ground and repeats itself. Everything!

I wrote in my journal last night: I admit it. I am a codependent. I enable the people who do not nice things in my life to do the not nice things in my life they do. I decide right now to stop this. It hurts. Me and them.

Yup. That's me. The enabler.

Now, don't get me wrong. Enabling has it's good side. But when it gets into the realm of being harmful to my emotional, spiritual well-being, it hurts. Big time. And I need to stop it because, only I can stop it.

I wrote the enabling comment in a journal I last wrote in five years ago (I've got lots and lots of journals that I write in - and each has a different 'meaning'/purpose). In this journal which is sort of a, hmmm, oh look there's a magpie/shiny object kind of journal that I happened upon when I first used it and happened upon again when I cleaned up my office the other day, the last thing I wrote in it was on February 7, 2006. And what I wrote was:  It takes two people to be in an abusive relationship. It only takes one to end it.

That was 2 months before my book, The Dandelion Spirit, was published. The pages before that one statement are filled with my doodlings for the book. With ideas and thoughts cluttered together in messy and tidy pages. With scribbles and notes and wonderings about what am I writing about. What am I doing?

And the book was published and helped many people and I moved on and now, I'm writing a new book and I am back to scirbblings and wonderings and notes and messy and tidy pages all nudging up against eachother, overflowing into words screaming to get out and other's resisting their birth, pushing back against the creative impulse to be seen and heard and drawn out into view.

This creating is messy busy. It pushes me into my own messy thinking. Into my angst and fears and insecurities and when I am pushed up against the angst of feeling like I'm enabling bad behaviour in my life, it is my responsibility to push back against the angst to get drawn into the muck of worrying about what other's are do. I am not accountable/responsible for what other's do. I am 100% accountable for what I am doing, what I allow in my life, what I create in my presence.

So... let it be known. As of today. As of this very moment right now, I have resigned my position as a codependent. This is my manifesto. My declaration of independence.

You're on your own everyone. You are 100% accountable for your life. And I am 100% accountable for mine.

So... can we agree that we are all magnificent beings of wonder and joy? Miracles of life inspired by the Divine to create a world of peace, love, harmony and joy?

Can we agree, this is our one and only life. Let's live it up in the rapture of now.

10 comments:

Hope said...

agreed! :)
have a wonderful day Louise!

Louise Gallagher said...

Thanks Hope -- lovely to see you on this sunny Alberta day!

Maureen said...

Absolutely!

nance marie said...

plenty to give...for sure.
but, you certainly make me think. like with the blog business. after thinking about it and looking into the templates that i had not yet tried, it seemed the right time for me to make a change. and it is funny how making the separate blogs led to the way that i made this change. it would not have happened the same way if any of the steps were taken out. it is amazing how we can be a part of something and sometimes not even know what that something is. we become a part of the lives of many as easy as a word or a blink or a turn...or by doing nothing. we can not help but be part of the lives of others. and yet, when we do try to take notice...and be open to respect and Love, then we can see the goodness in the something.

S. Etole said...

Joyful readiness!

Fi said...

This is coming with me this quote "I am not accountable/responsible for what other's do. I am 100% accountable for what I am doing, what I allow in my life, what I create in my presence",

It's going to accompany me everywhere I go, because most of my stress occurs because I worry about others. My stress has nothing to do with me or what I am doing.

Oh girl you make me think, you make me question, you make me dream - you're quite simply inspirational with a capital I.

I thank you

Louise Gallagher said...

Yeah Maureen!

Louise Gallagher said...

What you write is so very true and profound Nance. We cannot do 'nothing' for in doing nothing, we are creating something.

and we cannot but affect the lives we touch in everything we do, even the nothing. :)

I like your thinking -- and your creative sense of being.

Louise Gallagher said...

Yeah Susan -- I like 'joyful readiness' -- nice!

Louise Gallagher said...

thank you Fi. we cannot see something in another unless it is within us, for if we do not know it, we cannot recognize it...

so there :)

Keep growing and writing and sharing. You Inspire me.