Curving back on myself, I create again and again. Bhagavad Gita
Why do we turn our back on Soul in spite of having direct experience of the Oneness? asked Dal, our meditation guide last night.
I meditated on the question, delved into my own journey and felt my response gently rising within my being -- because my expectations of the experience supersede my experience, the deep, knowing voice whispered within me. I cannot be of the experience when I am anticipating its unfolding according to my pre-designated pathway leading to the experience of my choosing.
Yup. Just a typical Wednesday night meditation group experience. Ask and you shall receive.
My awareness and knowing of how my expectations play havoc with my experiences began last week on Valentine's Day. My gift to you, I wrote C.C. my beloved who is living during the week in Saskatoon, is a poem a day for fourteen days.
Pretty special, I told myself as my mind began to write the script of how he would receive my gift.
And that was the problem. The script I was writing did not include his knowing commitment to participate according to my rules.
By Thursday, third poem lovingly crafted and emailed, I waited his excited response.
Nice. Thanks. His text message said at 1pm.
Hello? the poem was in your Inbox at 6am. You finally get to it at 1? Not to mention the fact, I write my heart out and all you can say is, Nice?
And so, I gave him the script he was supposed to be following. It included the oohs and aahs and oh wow I can't wait for your next poem. The first thing I do every morning is race to my laptop and check my emails...
He read the script and replied, 'but that's not me. I get up. Get going. Get on with business.'
Hello? Get on with business when there's a love poem waiting in your email?
That night, as I contemplated to do or not to do a poem, the child in me ranted. He doesn't deserve one. He's taken all the fun out of it. He's destroyed the meaning. He's just not getting it.
Gotta love the child. She's so into her self-centric emotions she forgets all about what's at the heart of the my world today -- my heartfelt desire to create love, harmony, peace and joy in the world today.
I took a breath. Went back to my script of why I offered this gift in the first place. -- to share love. Be love. Deepen connection.
And got the message.
My expectations of C.C.'s response were getting in the way of my experiencing the joy, the love, the infinite gift of connection that was waiting on the other side of my ego's need for recognition (not to mention control).
Another breath. A poem lovingly crafted with no expectation of the outcome. An email to apologize for my behaviour and everything shifted.
When I shift, everything shifts around me.
Why do I turn my back on Soul in spite of having direct experience of the Oneness?
Just ask my ego. She'll tell you. Because my expectations of the journey into Oneness block Soul's access to my heart's calling me to let go, release and be present. I expect Soul to know better than to give into my desire to control the outcome. I expect my Soul to let me know when I'm treading on hearts, dampening spirits and creating chaos in my midst. And in my expectations, Soul lovingly rests waiting for me to stop choreographing the world around me to know, Soul is present, where ever I am. To create space to experience Soul, all I need to do is stop creating the world around me with the expectation I can make it into anything other than what it is.