Gratitude fills me with joy

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melody Beattie

I am filled with gratitude this morning. Filled with its well-being. Its peace. Its beauty.

C.C.s niece and family left last night -- that's not why I'm filled with gratitude. It has been a wonderful week having them here.

The gratitude comes from having had the opportunity to watch C.C. glow in the joy of being surrounded by his family. Of watching little children scoot in and out, in and around, up and under as their parents and the other adults visited and laughed and reminisced and created new memories. My sister, J., was there, lending a hand, sharing in the laughter. Liseanne and Alexis were there. The meal was wonderful. C.C. barbecued -- ribs and chicken. Salad. Potatoes. Cheesecake for desert. We chatted late into the evening. Twinkling lights hung in the crab apple tree. My 'fire pots' glowed in the dark. I'm grateful for my friend C.S. who transported those wondrous clay pots back from Nelson for me.

And, I have a new bird feeder. A beautiful gift from C.C.s niece and family.

And, Marley the great cat is sitting at my side watching me type.

And, Ellie the wonder pooch is lying on the floor at the foot of the bed, undeterred by the great cat's presence.

And....

Well, the biggest one of all.

I heard back from the publisher in New York.

They love my book. That's what the publisher said when he wrote me an email yesterday. "We love your book."

They want to publish it!

I'm still taking it all in. Still trying to grasp the magnitude and possibilities of what it all means. I'm speaking with the publisher on the phone sometime today. I'm waiting to go through the documents.

I am overwhelmed. And grateful. And excited. I am joyful, joyous, over-joyed!

And tomorrow, C.C. and I fly to LA to pick up a classic old Mercedes he's bought. We'll be driving up along the west coast for a few days. Relaxing. Chatting. Connecting. Chilling.

I'm off my crutches. I've got a 'shoe' to fit over my cast so that I can get around, hands free! What a difference that makes. To be able to walk without being hobbled by crutches.

And, I figure my right leg is going to be getting very fit as the cast and shoe weigh 6 lbs! Cool.

I'm excited about our trip. I'll be able to lay back, elevate my foot and watch the world go by as we drive north along the coastline. Years ago I drove up Hwy 1 from LA to San Francisco. Never driven the highway north of SF -- and everyone who's driven it says its spectacular!

I'm so excited! And grateful. And joyful, joyous, overjoyed!

I'll be offline for a few days -- though I'm taking my laptop in case I can get access along the way.

If not -- I'll see you next Wednesday, filled with tales of our journey and as always -- I'll be sharing my joy of living this one wild and precious life fearlessly in love with all I am and all I can give to create a beautiful world all around me.

Nameste.

There's no free ride.

If you don't have confidence, you'll always find a way not to win. Carl Lewis

The negative negativity of lack of confidence. It erodes all efforts to succeed, to build, to create, to shine. Like acid corroding the container that holds it together, lack of self-confidence eats away at us from the inside out.

I know.

Been there. Done that. Worn the t-shirt. In fact, I probably designed it in the process!

That was then. This is now.

Financier and publisher, Malcolm Forbes once said, "Too many people over-value what they are not and undervalue what they are."

In my 'now' state, I am learning to release devaluing who I am as I place my value in what I have, can do, can accomplish when I turn up for me, in all my human imperfections and focus on what is possible -- not what appears to be impossible!

It's all in our perceptions.

Possible. Impossible.

Fifty years ago, surfing the Internet, finding quotes, researching articles on self-esteem and self-confidence, would have been conceived as 'impossible'.

Today, when my Internet connection is down, I'm irate. I've come to rely on this technology to carry me out into the world giving and receiving information, insight, connections. I''ve come to believe it will always be there!

What is impossible to one man, is just a new idea to be explored to another.

My belief in what I can do, my belief in my talents, gifts, abilities -- that's what makes the difference. If I believe I can't write a blog every morning, I can't. -- Just as Henry Ford said long ago, "Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you're right."

Without the confidence that I can write a blog every morning -- and then the self-discipline to get up and do it, I would be setting myself up to prove myself right in my belief, I can't do it.

Instead, I let my confidence shine. I sit down every morning, trust in the process of writing, of letting the muse awaken beneath my fingertips and let my fingers fly. Some mornings, I don't know what I'm going to write about. I can't let my self-doubt stop me. If I never sat at the keyboard, no words would appear on the screen. Because I trust in the process, believe the words will appear, and have the confidence to sit down in front of a blank screen, I write this blog every morning.

At first, writing here was scary. My lack of confidence in my writing ability, plus my fear I would have nothing of value to send out into cyberspace, threatened my commitment to write here every morning. In doing it, I built my writer's muscle, and my confidence. Some mornings, I'm happy with what I wrote. Other mornings, I doubt. And then someone will email or comment online, and I realize my doubt is just my inner narcissist taking a free ride on my commitment to be all I'm meant to be, freely, passionately and fearlessly.

Sometimes, to build confidence we simply have to 'do it'. In spite of our fear. In spite of our predisposition to undermine our efforts with thoughts of why we will fail, why we can't win, why 'good things never happen to us', we must, as Nike exhorts, 'do it'.

The question is: Are you letting fear block you from success? Are you willing to just do it?

Living up to my higher good

All forms of self-defeating behavior are unseen and unconscious, which is why their existence is denied. Vern Howard

Within all psyches there exist 'tapes' that replay themselves -- particularly when we are under stress. These tapes, or messages, or self-denigrating statements were formed when we were small and experiencing the world through the filter of our environments. They were formed as we encountered life, in all its ups and downs and ins and outs, and created messages for ourselves to rationalize, understand, make sense of the world around us.

As adults, we act out our tapes rationalizing our behaviour to accommodate our belief that we have no choice, it's just the way we are, it's not my fault, what do you expect me to do?... And on and on we go.

At Choices, Thelma Box, the founder and facilitator of the program, says the work we do on our tapes and self-defeating behaviours are the two most important and healing components of the training. I agree.

I have tapes that fire when things go wrong, when I choose to do the wrong thing, or choose to take the 'easy' instead of the best way through, out, or over something in my life.

My tapes go something like this: "You are such a loser." "Hello. What were you thinking?" "How could you be so stupid?... blind... dumb....(fill in the blank). You should have known better. It's all your fault...."

The problem with tapes is they are always, and I mean always, a lie.

The challenge is, we spend a lot of our time in the subconscious effort to prove our tapes right by doing the wrong things.

Tapes hold me back with their destructive tendency to pull me down to my lesser self and undermine my higher good. When my behaviour is optional, or I am being a problem, I often think I am shoring myself up to prove my tapes wrong, when in actuality, I am working to prove my tape right. Inevitably, when I am playing to my tapes, I am responding to my lesser good.

And that's not healthy.

Take for example my desire to lose weight. Within me is a tape that goes something like this. "You don't deserve to be slim. You're so fat or, you're not fat, you're just big boned. Eating makes you feel better. It's okay to eat that, you deserve it because.... (the because can be anything from, I'm tired to I walked an extra mile to I cleaned the dog poop up in the backyard and I deserve a reward!)"

Those tapes are not my friend -- but subconsciously I am trying to prove they don't exist, or they don't control me, or they are not true. Sometimes, I try to eat them away, or simply ignore them or fight them or drown them beneath eating all the wrong things.

Thing is, my tapes are always triggered by my emotions. So, if I am over-eating or eating the wrong things, I am actually eating my feelings -- and my feelings are all about me and what's going on in my life and how I'm handling what's going on in my life. If I'm eating my feelings, I'm not dealing with my life in a loving, balanced and caring way -- and that's a habit I need to break.

How to break the habit is the real challenge. How do I know what my tape is if I am acting out some subconscious tirade that I am not completely aware of?

By getting conscious of what I'm doing, and being committed to do 'the right thing'.

W. Clement Stone, author and founder of AON Insurance, once said, "Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity."

I know that eating a donut is the 'wrong' thing to do. Having integrity means I don't let fear drive me into doing what hurts me. Having integrity means I let courage draw me into doing the right thing -- at all times.

And that can be hard.

Sometimes, I want to act out, be the child, be willfully stubborn and just be a nuisance in my own life.

Being adult, being responsible, being self-loving means -- I acknowledge my baser instincts -- and do the right thing.

No matter the circumstances.

No matter my fear.

No matter how tired, grumpy, out of sorts or simply feeling blue I am.

One day at a time.

Choice by choice.

Step by step.

Moment by moment.

And that's my choice today.

I acknowledge I have tapes that propel me into self-defeating behaviours.

I acknowledge I have the power to face the truth about who I am -- I am a miracle of life. I woman of worth. A being of great value, perfectly human in all my human imperfections.

The question is: Are you living up to your higher good? Are you listening to the truth about who you truly are, a miracle of life, a being of great value?

Upon a solid foundation of love

A house must be built on solid foundations if it is to last. The same principle applies to man, otherwise he too will sink back into the soft ground and become swallowd up by the world of illusion. Sai Baba

CJ, C.C.s niece's husband, is a professional photographer. Yesterday, he did a photo shoot with Alexis and Liseanne.


In the backyard, standing under the birch tree, CJ clicked as the girls posed and postured. A wind blew in. Leaves rustled. Branches shook and suddenly, a loud crack splintered the air and a large branch split off from the birch tree, right above the girls' heads. With a shriek they scooted out from under the tree as the branch crashed down towards the ground.

That tree looked pretty healthy. Until the branch fell, we didn't realize that there was deadwood at the core of one branch. Yet, its foundation is still solid. Still capable of sustaining life. Its roots still spread out beneath the soil, feeding it, nurturing it, helping it to grow up towards the light. With that branch discarded, the tree is healthier than before.

In every life, in every family, there are branches that need pruning -- no matter the strength of the tree. That need cutting back or tearing off. In every life, there are segments of rot, of unhealthy stems and dying branches. It is part of the circle of life. As we grow we prune and snip and shape and cut. With each diseased portion discarded, we strengthen the root and foundation. We create a being that can last a lifetime.

In my family there are aspects of our past that do not serve our lives today. It is important to let what doesn't work go so that the foundation of our family can be strong today.

In my daughters' lives, there were things that happened in their pasts that hurt them and caused them pain. In letting go of those branches of unease, they strengthen their lives today. Because their foundation was always built on love, they have the courage to discard that which would bring them down.

Had we known that branch was rotting, we would have cut it down, rather than risk it damaging the house, or hurting someone, in its descent. Because we didn't inspect the tree for rot, we didn't know.

As Plato wrote long ago, the unexamined life is not worth living.

In not examining that tree, the potential for damage was great. We were lucky. It crashed to the ground and no one and nothing was hurt.

Our foundation remains rock solid. We continue to love and grow and flourish in a world where, what didn't work for us in the past, is released so that we can live our beautiful lives today free of the encumbrances that would tear us down. And the backyard continues to be a place of refuge for birds and squirrels and Ellie the wonder dog and other visiting creatures. The branch is missing a limb, but the trunk is strong. It will continue to offer shelter for years to come.

The question is: Are you willing to let go of what would bring you down so that you can flourish upon a solid foundation of love?

Good times. Bad times. It's up to me to weather the storms

If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. Frank A. Clark

I took a path to well-being. It was long and circuitous, filled with giant potholes to navigate, mountains of dirt to dig through and oceans of turbulent seas to cross. And then I arrived here. In this place of finding myself beneath the muck of unease that had unsettled my peace of mind and inhibited me from living the life of my dreams.

After 'Him whose name I do not speak' was arrested six+ years ago, I realized I needed help. Desperately. I started seeing a therapist and in one of our sessions asked, "So, I know I'm an experiential learning but did I have to take such a circuitous path to get here?"

"There were a thousand paths you could have taken, Louise," he replied. "This just happens to be the one you took. It's not about how you got to where you want to be, it's about being happy with who you are, where you are, now."

I'm not on the side of Frank A. Clarke's path, I don't believe a path needs obstacles to take me somewhere. The obstacles don't determine my journey. They are not a measure of whether or not I'm going in the right direction -- sometimes, if the obstacles are too big, or hard to get through the best course of action is to take another path, even find another destination. I believe the obstacles are often an opportunity for me to stop, look, listen and feel whether or not this is the right path for me to be on.

As in the case of "Him, whose name...." that path wasn't a good path. It was fraught with peril. Replete with terror and abuse. But I was committed to that relationship. I'd learned through my marriage that I needed to be the one to be committed -- it was important for me that I not quit. In sticking to it, the very strength that got me through many other aspects of my life and brought me success, became the weakness that brought me to my knees. My determination. My stick-to-it-ness.

My strength became my weakness.

In believing I could 'get through anything', 'handle any adversity', I payed the price of hubris. My pride wouldn't let me fall. My ego wouldn't let me back up and walk away.

I didn't need to get through anything to find myself. I needed to stand up and be counted -- for holding true to my values, beliefs, principles.

And that was what I wasn't willing to do.

Today, that's the beauty of the path I took to get here. The obstacles on that path, and the steps I took to get through, or over, or under, or around them no longer determine my value and happiness today. I do.

Today, I know that regardless of what is happening on this path, I am okay. I have the power and the courage to change direction if I need. I have the strength to make choices that love and support me, where ever I am on the path. Whatever path I'm on.

Obstacles that appear do not deter me -- they are no longer set in stone. I don't go out looking for obstacles. I look for adventure. For opportunity to be me without fear that who I am will not measure up to the difficulty, or ease, found along the path.

I am not measured by the obstacles on my journey. I am measured by who I am, how I stand up and be counted. How I breathe life into each moment, moving with grace and ease through good times and bad, hardship and adventure.

The question is: Are you looking for obstacles to prove you're worthy of the path? Or, are you accepting what comes with grace and ease, joyfully moving in the direction of your dreams without letting adversity hold you back?

This is family

A babe in the house is a wellspring of pleasure, a messenger of peace and love, a resting place for innocence on earth, a link between angels and men. Martin Fraquhar Tupper

We have a three month old infant in the house. She is a tiny creature. Ten perfect fingers. Ten perfect toes. She gurgles and burbs, laughs and smiles. Her blue eyes are constantly watching, her fingers continually grasping at the air in front of her face. She is an angel.

C.C.'s niece and husband, along with their 3-year old and infant daughter arrived yesterday amidst piles of luggage. I'd forgotten what it was like to travel with children. The need to cart, strollers and travelling beds and bags of toys and books and clothing and various sundry items like formula and bottles and sterilizers and everything else imaginable... just in case.

Travelling with a child is a lesson in preparedness. Just in case.... we can't do laundry. The airline loses a bag. The flight's late, rescheduled, cancelled. Just in case, the baby gets sick, the 3 year old throws up, or throws a tantrum or throws away the baby with the bathwater. Mothers, and fathers are champions of the Just in Case suitcase of the travelling necessities.

Last night, two more of C.C.s nieces arrived with children in tow as well as husbands and a grandmother, C.C.s sister, along with her granddaughter by an absent daughter. One niece also has a baby, five months old, and without a doubt, one of the most perfect 'Gerber' baby models I've ever seen. He laughed and chortled and hammered his fists in the air, arcing his back as he gleefully expressed his wonder of the world.

Amidst the chaos of kids running up and down the stairs, out the back door, asking for a glass of juice, a cracker, a bandaid, a hand up, Marley escaping and everyone going on a hunt, of one of the nieces husbands doing a photo shoot in the back yard, and babies crying for food, we managed to create a memorable feast.

It is the first time we have entertained any of C.C.s extended family.

It was a blast.

The noise level was constant, the chaos consuming. I hobbled around on my crutches or sat on a chair with my foot up -- somewhat frustrated that I could not do more, but happy to let C.C. deal with what needed to be done to get the dinner on the table. And he did! And it was delightful.

Throughout the evening, the women spoke of babies and childbirth of the beauty of children and the fear of having more, or not having more, of what if the next one cries all night, or doesn't have all fingers and toes. Of doctors and baby ailments, of schooling and child rearing. The men breezed in and out of the room, chatting with each other in the backyard as C.C. hooked up the barbecue or, they simply steered the kids from one adventure to the next, setting up Wii, dismantling a fort, finding some diversion to avert a potential misadventure of the sibling kind.

It was an evening of family, of conviviality, of closeness, of life unfolding.

And amidst it all, the little angel sat in her rocking 'bucket', watching the world around her, watching her family unfold in all its loving support. She is too little to know what it all means, yet in its meaning is the truth that this is life -- bold, brass, noisy, chaotic.

This is the meaning of family. Shared times, and interrupted conversations, ten people speaking at once, of children falling, and running in and out, into each other, and around and around. Oof laughter and teasing and understanding and shared history and memories that link each generation to the next. This is the meaning of love.

Nameste.

Good Housekeeping and other saintly chores

You sometimes see a woman who would have made a Joan of Arc in another century and climate, threshing herself to pieces over all the mean worry of housework. Rudyard Kipling

The great cat Bob Marley, formerly known asKaspur and then Satchmo, has carved a path of fame here in our household. Not only is he The Great Cat, he is now, The Great Mouser.

Yup. Marley has captured, and toyed with, and ultimately ended the life of, a mouse. He is an honoured member of our household. Free to lie on the desk in the bay window in our bedroom and watch the birds at the feeder. Of course, now he figures he has the right to escape to the great outdoors -- and attempts to do so whenever the back door is opened. I have no desire for him to become The Great Birder and thus go to great lengths to ensure he remains within the confines of our home.

This morning, Marley took matters into his own paws. He escaped. Wandered the back yard and was attempting to climb the apple tree when we realized he was out. It took C.C., Liseanne and Alexis twenty minutes to get him back in the house. I sat on the back step, shaking a bag of treats, to no avail. Marley scooted from one side of the lawn to the other, into bushes, under the table, into the hedge. He even decided to do his business in the garden, but none of us thought to scoop him up while he was leaving his deposit. Alas, as soon as he was done and had covered up the evidence, he was off, leaping into the hedge, scooting through the grass. Finally, C.C. cornered him under the lilac bush and he was once again back inside.

Until five minutes later. The back door hadn't latched properly and Marley was once again on the loose. It took another fifteen minutes for him to be reinstated inside!

Which meant C.C. was late getting to the airport to pick-up his neice, her husband and their two young children. They're staying with us for a week as CJ (the husband) is here to photograph some of the events for the Worldskills Expo which is currently underway in Calgary. It's been a long time since I've had an infant and a three year old around for any length of time -- should be interesting!

Which is why I'm late writing this morning. In preparation for their arrival, I wanted the house to be presentable -- not an easy feat when hobbling around on crutches! Alexis suggested I let it go, that I just accept the house not be clean and tidy.

"No way!" I exclaimed. "You know what happens. She'll tell her cousins and aunts what a messy housekeeper Louise is and that would be awful!"

"What about C.C. Won't they think it's him."

"Nope. It's a female thing. Cleanliness is non-gender specific. Dirty houses are always about the woman!"

Ahhh, the fragility of my feminine ego. As if my worth is based on the cleanliness of my home.

Then again, maybe I do believe some of my worth is based on the cleanliness of my home -- and that's not all a bad thing!

The mess that was cluttering up the bedrooms, the living room, pretty well every surface in the house, has been tidied up and tucked away. I've even managed to clean the bathroom -- and yes, 'the other's', those who also live in this house, did pitch in to help -- but ya know how it is, it's never done to my level unless I do it (sigh, wipe my brow and collapse upon the settee in a swoon, exhausted from all that hopping around).

These are the moments when I realize I truly can be a control freak. Me and Joan of Arc. She was saving the world from sin and peridition, I'm saving my reputation and becoming a martyr in the process! I truly do want things done my way!

But that's life. Sometimes, nothing more profound than cleaning up life's little (and not so little) messes. And in the grand scheme of things life unfolds with its ebbs and flows, its too's and fro's -- and I feel more confident with my reputation preserved as the patron saint of good housekeeping.