Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Brand New Day

It's early. I stare at the blank page and wonder what I will write. Go back to bed the rebel inside me whispers. Why bother?

Shhhh, I tell the voice of letting myself off the hook. Yesterday I made a commitment. I will write on this page every day whether I have 'something to say' or nothing to report. I will write.

The blank page keeps staring back.

I need to trust. Trust in the process of writing. Trust in the creative spirit. Trust in me.

A new day rises as under a blanket of snow, spring emerges, hopefully, and I wonder, what will it bring? I cannot see into the future and yet, I trust that spring will appear from beneath the snow. I have confidence in the weather. Confidence in the turning of the seasons. I can feel spring in the air, feel it awakening from beneath winter's blanket.

I stare at the blank screen. Turn and gaze out the window. I cannot see into the murky darkness where white flakes tumble to the ground. The house is quiet and I feel sleepy. I think about going back to bed and then remember my commitment. I will write a new page every day.

What if I don't do it? What if I just go back to bed? Nothing will be lost. Just a page that won't be created. And I'll be able to enjoy a few more minutes sleep.

I made a commitment.

I need to keep it. I need to stay true to myself. This is for me.

There's a recurring theme here. Make a commitment to myself. Compromise. Lose the commitment. Lose the opportunity to turn up for me.

If I don't keep this commitment, what other commitment to myself won't I keep?

I think about advantages. Reasons why I need to do it and of course, reasons why I don't have to bother.

My commitment is to write on this page everyday. See what happens. See what develops. There's no real purpose other than to write every morning. Create a new habit. Create something of value -- possibly. Create a sense of well-being -- for sure. I'll be keeping a commitment I made with myself.

That's a biggie.

How many times have I said, I will lose 10 pounds. I will go to the gym every day. I will ...

And then not done it?

How many times have I let myself down? Let myself off the hook? Let myself get away with behaviour that does not support me, does not make me feel like I count, does not make me feel like I make a difference? How many times?

I can't count them. But there's a theme here. A pattern I've slipped into over time of making little commitments, and big one's, and then not following through. And when I don't I know what I will feel -- that's when I can tell the future! Because when I don't keep my commitments, whether with myself or others, I feel like a fraud. A liar. A person without integrity.

That is not who I want to be. Not how I want to feel. I need to make different choices. Need to turn up for me so that I can count on me to keep my commitments.

I make a commitment to write on this page every day.

I do it.

Commitments are not to be broken. Keeping a commitment with myself is my opportunity to be accountable. To turn up for me and make a difference. Keeping a commitment with myself is my opportunity to be true to me. And to build self-esteem. To build upon my sense of well-being. To like me!

It's not important says the rebel within me. It won't matter if you stay in bed and sleep. It won't matter if you don't do this.

But it will matter.

To me.

And I count.

And so, on this brand new day as daylight slides across the sky pushing darkness into the envelope of night yawning on the horizon and spring stirs beneath a blanket of falling snow, I begin the process of keeping a commitment I made to myself. I begin again.

It's a brand new day.


Kimberley said...

I am glad that you followed through on the commitment to yourself...who knows, this new journal may lead to new opportunities that you have not even dreamed about as yet!

I think that I will follow your lead, and also write each day.


JTS said...

I have gotten into the habit of avoiding nearly all committments because I know I will chaffe under them, will not want to honor them. I agree to the importance of not only making them, but honoring them as well. Succeeding in forming any new good habit is one step forward on the spiritual journey. I made a conscious committment to write daily this year too... something, anything. It is important to follow thru, to prove to myself I still can!

M.L. Gallagher said...

Josie -- what a treat to have you here in the past of what I wrote, bringing new light to me.

A blessing.

A gift.

A beautiful friend.

Thank you!