The freedom to feel

You only have what you give. It's by spending yourself that you become rich. Isabel Allende

We only have as much time as we have on this earth. No more. No less. It's by spending each moment in love that we experience the richness of this human journey.

When I was first released from the relationship that almost killed me, (The Dandelion Spirit), I knew I had to heal. I also knew I had to do something differently if I was to come out the other side stronger, healthier, more vibrant than I'd been when I first shook the devil's hand and fell into the rabbit hole of his deceit.

To be different, I chose to do it differently. I chose to walk each step in love. To ask myself, no matter how I was feeling, what was happening around me, what was going on, "Am I standing, In love? Am I focusing my attention on what is healing, loving, caring of me, or am I focusing on anger, fear, bitterness, and sorrow? Which will get me more of what I want?"

Inevitably, when I asked myself the question, I would realize that a part of me was attached to feeling angry, bitter, sorrowful, or a host of other painful emotions. My attachment to feeling that way was what was hindering my healing, not the emotion. To detach, I had to remind myself, "No matter how I feel, I choose how I experience the feeling. I choose how the emotion affects me. I can feel the anger and let it corrode my peace of mind, or, I can feel the anger and do it in love with me, the world around me and even those who harmed me."

In my lexicon, love is limitless, love is everything. I figured that as I had a limitless supply of love -- I may as well start spending all of it up. In the process, I became richer than I ever imagined possible. I became filled with loving feelings -- even in my anger, fear, bitterness and sorrow. I became the love I wanted to experience in the world.

Healing from a painful experience like loving an abuser, is not a joyride -- but the process of healing can be filled with joy. What can be more joyful than knowing, I am free? What can be more calming than knowing, I am free to count my blessings without someone else's voice rattling off my deficiencies in my head?

When I was with the abuser I gave my love freely. It wasn't my love he wanted. He wanted power and control. It was the dichotomy of that journey. He wanted to 'own me'. I wanted to love him freely. In the polarity of our desires, we fell into the trap of believing we were both getting what we wanted -- and in the end, I got the thing I wanted most my entire life; freedom to be me.

When I loved the abuser, I feared not being enough, not having enough love to give, not giving him what he needed so that he could love me the way I loved him.

In my freedom, I give my love freely and know I can never be diminished by another, love can never be diminished by another.

Love is. I am.

Today, I spend my love freely. The more I give. The more I receive.

And so it is.

The question is: Are you fearful of spending all you've got for fear you'll end up with nothing? Are you standing in love, loving yourself with each step you take, loving being in each step of this journey?