Thursday, April 30, 2009

On the other side of your comfort zone...is love

All I really, really want our love to do is to bring out the best in me and in you too. Joni Mitchell
I have been fighting an ennui these past few weeks. Ennui born of fear that I will 'never learn'. That I will repeat the mistakes I've made and that those around me will behave the same as those from my past behaved.

Time to get over myself.

In colours jargon (a personality typing system that uses colour to represent personality types), I tend towards a Blue/Green, Green/Blue personality construct. I use the phrase 'tend towards' because in my testing, I appear Green. In my heart, I swim in a sea of Blue emotion.

I believe my family of origin plays a significant role in my colour typing. As a child, being 'blue', or living from my heart, was not safe. I moved into my mind, that powerful tool of reasoning and creativity, to keep my heart from being hurt. As an adult, my Green habit does not fit as comfortably as it would if I were a natural Green - sort of a like a blond with dark roots coming through. I've been continually touching up the roots, grounding myself in my mind, until eventually, there's not enough dye in the world to cover over my Blue heart. Because the habit of staying in my head is deeply ingrained, I keep painting over my heart, protecting its roots from the light.

I struggle to walk that 18" pathway, finding balance along the way, finding solace in my heart connected to my brain.

Some days, it's not an easy path to trod.

I am a romantic. It was my romantic nature that drove me into the arms of Conrad, the man who promised to love me 'til death do us part and went about taking the death part way too seriously. Since that relationship ended with his arrest (The Dandelion Spirit) six years ago, I've been tentative in reclaiming my romantic nature. The recurring dialogue in my sub-conscious mind that filters up to my consciousness -- well that didn't work very well for me in the past did it. We're not going to do that again any time soon.

Anything I avoid out of fear of the past limits my joy in the moment.

I am a romantic.

It's come as a bit of a surprise to C.C. who is quite accustomed to my rather blase approach to love and loving.

"I experience you as being emotionally high-maintenance," he told me the other night when we were discussing my request that we talk at least once throughout the day. "You seem needy."

Thank you for caring enough to share.

I still believe it's important to connect during the day, even if only for a quick "Hello. How's your day going."

And thus, my angst.

How do I balance my monkey mind chatter that says, "He's right. You should be stable enough to not have to talk to him during the day. You've been doing it that way for a couple of years. Why change it if it's not broken?"

Reality is: it has nothing to do with being broken or unbroken. It has everything to do with my romantic nature. A nature I am reclaiming -- in all my angst and trepidation.

Knowing someone loves me doesn't mean I don't want to hear them tell me they do on a daily basis. Knowing I love someone doesn't mean I don't want to tell them on a daily basis, either.

It isn't about changing who I am or who they are. It has everything to do with changing the way we do things to ensure we receive more of what we want in life and loving.

It is a fine line I walk when balancing my hearts yearning for romance and my mind's calling to be practical, to be self-reliant. To be independent and to keep my distance.

I am a human being. I am relational.

My angst has nothing to do with C.C.'s resistance to change or his way of doing things. It has everything to do with my fear of being true to my heart. Of listening to its yearning for romance.

Time to get over fear and leap into the courage to be all of me without worrying about the outcome.

Time to 'Turn up. Pay attention. Speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.'

The question is: Are you ignoring your heart's calling? Are you listening to the monkey mind chatter that would have you walk away in fear of living life on the other side of your comfort zone?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Elgie,

You are best when you are you.

You are colorful . . that means, ALL THE COLORS in the crayon box.

Needing to connect is fuzzy analysis/paralysis . . what is at the root of that is 'wanting to connect' which you clearly do - so do it. If CC has a problem with that, it would seem to me that is HIS problem.

You can only control you however. That should include releasing yourself from a need to have others behave as you would like them to...because they need to be themselves just as you are entitled to be yourself.

Keep on being you . . please ..

Big hug,

Mark

i am storm. said...

i used to ignore my heart's calling. i used to always put myself last. i so often would do what others preferred to the point where i could no longer hear my heart calling. i was deaf to it.

it has been about a year or year and a half since i started to hear whispers again. the whispers have gotten louder. i no longer do what others prefer. i no longer de-value my needs and desires. i am worth it. i have value and i am a good person. i deserve all the love and support of the universe.

be well,

storm

S L M Moss said...

So true Louise. Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling. It gives me much to think about today.

Hugs and beans!!!!

M.L. Gallagher said...

Hello lovely readers!

Thank you for your words of wisdom and support.

Mark -- thank you. I am colourful -- and I am best when I am me.

Storm -- thank you! Your words of strength and encouragement are balm to my spirit! You make me want to shine my little heart up and pull it out of its glass jar and dance in the sparkling sunlight!

Sarah -- Thank you! We connect through our hearts yearning to be heard and seen and witnessed as the remarkable human beings we are -- whatever colour of the rainbow we might be.

Beautiful loving days to each of you.

Louise

Anonymous said...

once again I have to praise the internet for allowing me to connect to people...
to people who seem to resemble me and my anxieties
my heart is heavy with doubt that I would never be able to balance my mind

I am searching, searching for answers
what do I do wrong?
why am I not "streetsmart"? (this term is new for me!)
why I am so needy, lonely?
why do I need so much to share with others?
why am I always hurt?

oh, and this blog it seems like heaven today!!!
I so wanted to share with someone, today, TODAY!!
the need was unbearable...

thank you so much!!

M.L. Gallagher said...

Hello Internet traveller looking to connect -- I am so glad you found me and that we have connected.

This is a place of healing hearts and soaring minds. My journey is to walk that 18" with joy, fearlessly in love with all I am, being the best me I can be -- and to share my learning to inspire others to walk their path with love and joy.

If you want to know more about colors and your 'true heart', try taking the color test at: www.truecolorscareer.com

Welcome to Recover Your Joy -- I am glad to be sharing this journey with you!

Hugs

Louise

Anonymous said...

Hi Louise,
I am not extremely religious, but last night I prayed with all my heart for help

I was in abusive relationships all my life. I didn't know!!!

I struggled blindly to recover every time and I did...only to start again over and over

two years ago, when my husband decided to leave me, I started therapy
I was a mess! I was an entity full of fears, tears and anxieties
I eventually recovered and started this journey of finding myself
my therapist recommended me a book about codependency
What a journey!!
I read a lot about abuse, abandonment, addiction, self esteem, pathology, etc...
interesting stuff but it wasn't necessarily me!
I am not sick, I don't have a disease, I want to be able to find my true self and love it
It's hard!!
what it is that you can do when nothing seem to work?
I am attractive and intelligent, I find pleasure in many things
Life is a playground with amazing colors… but what happened, why everything seems to go so wrong when it comes to relationships?
why do I fail so miserable?
Today reading your blog I cried
I don’t know! Mixed feelings!
My sadness, my fears all exposed in full light
I was happy and vulnerably in the same time
But what a relief!
Oh my, this is how I feel, I am not that “unfit” for love, I am not that “unfit”
If this special woman was in the same situation like me and she made it and found her voice, maybe I can too
I have to!

M.L. Gallagher said...

Hello again!

What a courageous woman you are! To know that you are not 'unfit' for love, or that you are not 'unfit' is huge! To know that life is a playground with amazing colors -- wow! What a beautiful way to put it.

And it is all of that.

I believe we all have moments of 'mixed feelings'. It is in our courage to face those feelings and love ourselvs anyway -- in all our angst, our warts and bruises that we ascend above the pain and sorrow of the past, into the joy and beauty of being alive in this moment.

My partner is a wonderful man -- like me, he has his 'issues'. His issues are not my concern -- how I respond, how I trigger, how I grow through my journey -- that is what is important for me.

I am so very glad to meet you here on this journey. I too am not particularly 'religious'. I am spiritual -- and am reclaiming so much of my spirituality that was lost on that journey through abuse -- and I am blessed.

Have a beautiful, rainbow coloured day loving yourself for all you're worth. You deserve it!

Hugs

Louise