Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Curing back on myself

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Unknown
Mark sent me that quote yesterday. It resonates.

So does my friend C.Ss comment to me: Do you ask so many questions because you're scared you're missing something? Some vital piece of information that will make it all make sense?

It goes right up there with Thelma Box's observation: I experience you as a woman who will never find an answer good enough for her.

Questions and answers. Always more questions than I can find answers for. Always more questions waiting to be answered.

But do I wait for the answer? Do I even want the answer?

Or, am I looking for questions to keep me from accepting what I know and feel and experience today?

Good question.

And the circle goes on turning.

This morning, the pain in my thumb has abated. I spoke with my sister yesterday and her sigh over the phone was filled with sadness. "Oh dear. Sounds like arthritis. It happens to me a lot."

Oh dear. She's probably right.

I know there are homeopathic remedies to curb the flow of arthritis. I must dig them out and put them to good use. My good health is my responsibility. Osteo-arthritis is a hereditary disease. It flows in my mother's body with the sharp edges of brittle ice cracking within a glacial crevasse.

What to do with my aching heart? Has emotional arthritis curbed its ability to beat freely? Has emotional arthritis inhibited my ability to breathe?

I breathe.

I see myself standing waiting for an answer. No one can give me my answers. They already exist within me. It's up to me to open up to my own truth -- not look for it in someone else.

The gift I see in C.C. is the mirror of my own fear. His hesitation, withdrawal, ebbing forward and back mirrors my own tentative stance.

I distrust love. I distrust my ability to be safe in love.

Those are my fears. Not his.

In my effort to assuage my fear, I give him lots of opportunity to feel incompetent in love. With my constant questioning of 'why do you do that?', "what is going on?', I limit the opportunity for love to 'go on'. I limit my opportunity to simply be together, 'in love'.

My stuff. My shtick.

Questions and answers.

A lot of questions.

Time to start feeling, living, breathing my answers.

I love.

I am love.

Love is.

A circular journey back into the centre of my being all that is, love.

Curving back on myself I create again and again. Bhagavad Gita

I release my fear and curve back into myself become the exclamation of all that I love. I create that which I want most in life. Love.

The question is: Are you hiding behind the questions avoiding living what you know? Are you willing to uncurl the question mark and become the exclamatory statement of your life lived in love?

1 comment:

S L M Moss said...

and sometimes, I don't ask enough questions. Sometimes to be the best we can be, the questioning is necessary. For me, I tend to fear the question. I don't want to know all the details because I am afraid that in those details I will be lost and people will realize I am truly not wanted or needed or valuable. I hide from the questions and only now am I beginning to realize it.

We hide in so many ways. Into our day dreams, our questions, or by burying our heads in the sand. I prefer the warm sand with the illusion of the sun shining down. LOL

Thanks for the encouragement. I need to stop hiding, but for me that means that I need to start asking more questions. Maybe I could borrow some of yours to get me started. :)

Love you!
God bless you today.
Sarah