Monday, June 1, 2009

When you can do nothing.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. Dale Carnegie

I am always amazed at how one little part of my body can affect the whole. The part that is causing distress is -- my thumb. Hmmm.... perhaps I shouldn't have written about giving up my opposing thumb! Because, it is not happy!

I didn't type this weekend. Had to give my thumb a rest. While only a minor player in the typing game, minor or not, any movement was difficult and any movement of my hand affected the thumb and any movement of the thumb affected the whole and around and around we go.

Like life. Everything is connected to everything. How I do one thing is how I do all things. Who I am in one thing is who I am in all things -- even when I don't want to be, I am being me being me in all things. And sometimes, I am not my best.

Which must be why I am struggling with staying true to who I am, who I want to be in my relationship with C.C. As with all things, nothing stays the same. Every day changes. C.C. mentioned he is struggling with relationship. I become angst ridden.

Relationship for me can be tough. I scurry behind my fears. Barricade myself behind my angst of what if's whenever I feel myself slipping out of control. What if the past is the present. What if there is no straight line to success?

I am not a very patient person. I always want to fix it fast. Fix it now. Let's get going.

Sometimes, doing nothing is the best recourse.

As the Zen Koan asks, "When you can do nothing, what can you do?"

I can get out of fear and leap into courage to be who I am in the moment. I can BE committed to DO what it takes to HAVE what I want in my life.

For me, that doesn't mean, 'having C.C.'. It means living the truth of our relationship where truth and honesty, dignity and respect are the foundation of love.

In my angst of wanting to control what's happening, I barricade myself behind the wall of fear I create when I cannot control the outcome of a situation. Attached to the outcome, I do not see the beauty of a human spirit unfolding and trusting me with their truth. Instead, I see and hear and feel and sense my own fear rising -- my fear that the truth is, I am not good enough. I am not cherished. I am not worthy. I am undeserving.

To love someone means to accept them exactly where they're at. To love someone else, must I first love myself? Or, in loving someone else, do I learn to love myself?

In love, as in life, there are no concrete answers. No definites. The reality is, every day is a gift. It is up to me to treat the present of time with loving care. To love another, I must be true to who I am. Bring the best of me into the relationship. When I am my best, the best is all I can give.

Like my thumb, one small comment has affected the whole. One comment has shifted my perspective away from seeing the beauty of truth unfolding into seeing only my fear of being less than, unworthy and unlovable. Rather than look for the value in where we're at, I'm searching for the negative value in whatever is before my eyes. I am closing myself off from love and locking myself into fear.

Fear is the opportunity to be courageous.

And I am a fearless woman.

And a fearless woman in this situation would say, "I hear you. I see you. I know you. I love you. Thank you for sharing your truth. My truth is, I am committed to being the best me I can be, to bringing the best of me forward, to looking for the best in you. I want the best for me. I want the best for you."

Time to grow up into my fearless woman and be all I'm meant to be -- even with an opposing thumb causing me angst!

The question is: Are you hiding behind a wall of fear, fearful of letting your light shine upon the truth of who you are? Are you holding back the best of you for fear you will not be enough?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

LG,

When we speak, it is as if there is only 1 context - the spirit in which we said what we said. To the listener, the same is true - only 1 context (theirs).

Someone taught me once that, when things are going well, things are never quite as good as we think things are.

Conversely, he told me that when things are going badly, things are never as bad as we think things are.

My thumbs are fine, and yours will be too. As for your dialogue ... keep it going; you don't know where it will lead but it will be far more productive than if you avoid the dialogue.

Hope you, and your thumbs, are feeling better soon

Mark

Anonymous said...

Oh my Dear Louise!! So often when you speak your truth - you also speak mine! Once again I find that your question is the one that I have been struggling with also. It is so easy to hide behind that wall of fear in order to protect my heart!! In saying that I am still struggling with determining who I really am and whether or not I'll recognise her when I find her!!
Looking forward to seeing you soon!! Hugs and beans!
A

M.L. Gallagher said...

Hi Mark and A. Thank you for your comments --and love

I hear you! And appreciate you.

I accidentally hit delete Markfor the quote -- can you pretty please resend?

Thanks!

Anonymous said...

LG

here is that quote again:

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option – unknown

Cheers,

Mark