Rearranging my thinking

Shadows make sight difficult. Lesson 4. A Course in Miracles

When we were putting up the Christmas tree we had to reorganize the living room furniture to make room for it. C.C's son, T., suggested rearranging the love seats into an 'L' shape, rather than the face to face arrangement I had decided on when we moved into this house a year ago. No one had ever questioned the positioning of the couches. I had put them there and never considered testing alternatives. I was comfortable with the arrangement. It seemed to make sense to me. They sat right angle to the large living room window looking out on the weeping birch tree in the front yard. People sat down and faced each other, coffee table between them, a low pine cabinet beneath the window on which sat a lamp and other ornaments. It was tidy. And, given I'd never tested any other configuration, comfortable in a way that you grow comfortable with what is, never questioning what can be if... you move this here, or there, or change this or that to accommodate a different arrangement.

And then we moved the love seats into an 'L'. And suddenly the room opened up, became more inviting, warm, friendly, airier.

I didn't know what I didn't know. I couldn't see beyond the spaces of my mind where I had placed the furniture originally. Each loveseat cast a shadow and I got stuck in the shadows of what was, unable to see other configurations of possibility.

Like in relationship.

I 'see' what is going on through the shadows of my fears, my anxiety, my past, my beliefs, my 'tapes' (those messages I replay in my mind over and over again, sometimes unconsciously, sometimes consciously that limit my possibilities). I see relationship through the filter of my experiences and my fear that the past will be repeated in the present, and I lock myself into believing, there is no other way this can work.

We all do it. Lock ourselves into a way of thinking that limits us, crowds us into the shadowland between possibility, reality and desired state of being. Into that place where we hunker down, working out the way it is by clambering through the rocky terrain of our fears, circumventing new ideas in favour of what we believe 'works best' because it's the way we know, without ever testing ideas and possibilities that move us beyond our comfort zone into new ways of being.

Since the day before New Year's Eve, I have been consciously moving into forgiveness. Every time I caught a thought that went something like, "He said....", "He did....," "He is....", "He won't...," "He can't...", "He..... blah blah blah blah blah", I took a breath, consciously opened my heart to expansion and whispered, "I forgive."

Didn't matter the context of the thought, good, bad or indifferent, I consciously worked on turning away from thinking about what he did or I did or what was going on to immerse myself in the healing grace of forgiveness.

Now, I gotta admit, it has been challenging.

I'm not the most forgiving person on the planet. And, I'm not the most willing to put down my arms and embrace wholeness kinda gal. There are times when all I want to do is put my hands on my hips, stamp my feet, flick my hair (which is now hard to do as it's rather short) and throw a tantrum. I mean really, why can't I just let it fly? Why can't I just let loose?

Because everything I do creates the world around me. Everything I do affects the world around me. And I do not want to create a world of bitterness. I do not want my ripple to be a tsunami of anger and harshness.

To create what I want in my world, I must be what I desire in my world.

And for the past few days, what I desire has begun with forgiveness. Actually, it's not just the past few days. Healing, peace of mind, tranquility, harmony all begin with forgiveness. No matter where I am in my life.

Forgiveness of self. Of everyone and everything that has ever harmed me.

It is the way of the universe.

It is the way of the soul.

Forgiveness creates the loving path to climbing out of the shadows onto the field of harmony.

In my breathing into forgiveness I have moved out of the shadows of my thinking, 'he is closed, difficult, childish, angry...' to that place where I accept, "I am whatever I project onto another."

I am closed. Difficult. Childish. Angry. I have been acting in unloving ways. I have forgotten to have fun. I have been the problem.

In accepting my duality, and my responsibility, I turn my light back on the person it belongs. Me. Myself and I.

I turn my light back to working on the shadows within me as I step outside of my fear, "I am unworthy of love" as I embrace myself in loving forgiveness.

It has been a challenging few days (read that months). It continues to be challenging. Challenge is good for my soul. It creates opportunities for awareness. And from awareness comes action. And from action comes acceptance of who I am and what I'm doing to limit my life, leaving me open to new growth, new paths, new possibilities. It breaks open hardened areas of my being who I am (you know, those ways of being that don't work for me but ways I hold onto because I know them and dammit, I've worked hard on holding onto them!) and opens me up to being my most loving self.

In my most loving self, I accept what is and do not flail against what isn't. I accept every human being as a loving human being and embrace their way as their path, their journey, their soul spirited flight. And give myself the same grace.

While out with Alexis, my eldest daughter, the other day, I bought a set of Caroline Myss and Peter Occhiogrosso Healing Cards. My card for today is: "To heal the body, first heal the mind."

Its wisdom message reads:

Today is for observation. Where does your mind wander naturally --

into fear or fantasy, humour or stress?

Follow your mind and observe where it goes to feed itself.

Do you like what you see?

What am I feeding my mind? Do I like what I see?

Good question.

Think about it.

Do you like what you see?

Open the eyes of your heart to what's going on in your mind. In your seeing, you cast away the shadows and set yourself free to become all you are meant to be when you see clearly who you are and the world you are creating around you through your thoughts.

The question is: Are you willing to rearrange your thinking to open yourself up to a new way of being?