Thursday, February 25, 2010

An experience to live by

Beware of undertaking too much at the start. Be content with quite a little. Allow for accidents. Allow for human nature, especially your own. Arnold Bennett
It was a long day. A good day.

To unfold the story, we moved back in time. Back, before Conrad, before my separation from the girl's father. "We need to paint a picture of who you were, your life, what was important to you before you met him," the director said.

And so, paint we did. One little bit at a time. One question. One answer. Painting a life by numbers of questions set against the context of the story of a woman who fell in love with Prince Charming and awoke, lost and afraid on the road to hell.

We painted the four years nine months throughout the entire day.

With each question, the story unfolded and with its unfolding I unwound some of the pockets of sorrow that hid in the corridors of my mind. I dug out little moments I had forgotten and set them free. I unearthed facets of sadness that ate away at my joy and washed them in tears of release.

It was a long day and a good one.

By 6:30 we called it quits. Long enough for one day. Today, the crew is at my friend Jane's and Friday, Nan's. Jane and I will meet up with everyone for an hour of filming with the three of us on Friday night.

After we finished last night, I phoned Jane to tell her how it went. "They make it really easy," I told her. "Even though the telling can be hard, they make it easy to move through it."

I told her how at a couple of points I found the sadness overwhelming. "It's good though," I said. "It's good to be in your emotions when on camera."

Jane laughed. "I'm looking forward to the finished product," she said. "I know there's so much of the story you haven't shared. Stuff you went through we don't hear about. You always keep your feelings so quiet. Is it because you want to protect us?"

I laughed in return. "Mostly because I know I can't change what happened and repeating the truly awful stuff just makes me feel sad."

It is my nature. To smile when in pain. To smile when sad. To smile when life is getting me down.

Nature.. Habit... Learned behaviour.

I always felt safer as a child if I smiled. No one could see my hurt and if they didn't see me cry, they didn't make fun of me.

Time to unravel that lesson too. Time to let it go, to set it free.

Those I love do not make fun of me when I'm upset. They support me and cry with me. They lift me up when I am down. Just as Jane and Nan lifted me up when I was lost so long ago.

That is my experience. It is an experience to live by.

I am blessed.


Anonymous said...

I have been thinking about since last night when I read yesterdays blog, thinking about how hard this must be for you bring up all those old memories even the ones you thought you had forgotten about and at the same time how therapeutic it will be in helping you move forward in life's journey. You never cease to amaze me in your courage/strength Here is to hoping that you realize what a strong women you are. I have no doubt this movie/your story will help so many people
I get strength from you in dealing with my own demeans.I thank you for that.

Faye Rodocke

S. Etole said...

I understand the smiling ... may God bless you with tears

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to hear this has become a positive experience for you and feel blessed that you are able to share with others.

Will this be available for other to view such as myself, who would love to see it :)


Joyce Wycoff said...

Louise ... what a powerful experience that must have been ... and what transformative material for the people who see it. You are very courageous.

Maureen said...

And I'm blessed to have you as my so insightful and gifted friend. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

And to you, my dear Louise, I hand you a bouquet of flowers and the Gold ..... as our Cdn woman have proven over the past 14 dys how brave and powerful they can be, so have you. You own the podium. Would love to experience the finished work. Sending much love and a big hug to you and your angels, Nan and Jane! BA

Anonymous said...

hi louise,
it seems i missed your post yesterday, so i am catching up now.

it is great of you all to share part of yourself for others.

M.L. Gallagher said...

Thanks everyone for your words of support! And yes, it will be shown on the Women's Network -- there's a new series starting called, "The Devil You Know." I'm not sure when it will air -- I believe this fall but I will definitely keep you informed! :)

Thanks again -- I love having these 'cyber-hugs and kisses' brightening my day and lighting my path.


M.L. Gallagher said...

And yes BA -- we Canadian women own the podium! ;) Wasn't that sooo exciting last night? WoW!