Let it Be.

I had found a kind of serenity, a new maturity... I didn't feel better or stronger than anyone else but it seemed no longer important whether everyone loved me or not--more important now was for me to love them. Feeling that way turns your whole life around; living becomes the act of giving. Beverly Sills

I am sitting by a window on a large comfy couch tucked into a corner of the lounge of Emerald Lake Lodge. Outside, the lake is still frozen. Snow still covers its surface as it covers the ground all around. Mountain peaks climb into the sky, shedding the cloak of the fir trees that march up their slopes as they reach higher and higher towards the heavens. The trees are iced with sugar-spun driftings of snow that undulate along the ridges surrounding this hidden valley in Yoho National Park. Yoho is the Cree Indian word for 'awe' and it is. Awe-inspiring. God-awakening. Peaceful. Tranquil. Serene.

C.C. and I have come for a break. A weekend get-away where we can unhook from the busy-ness of daily living and connect into the wonderfulness of being 'us'. Cell phones don't work up here in this remote mountain valley -- though there is wireless Internet (in the main lodge only)! There is no password to access it. No need to secure it. We are miles from the closest highway. There are no other pockets of homes or inhabitants, other than the wildlife and bears and moose aren't beating at the door to cyberland looking to overload the circuits.

It is beautiful. We arrived late yesterday afternoon, in time to watch the sun's fading light cast a light Alpen Glow over the mountain peaks. In time for a late dinner at the Lodge.

Over a bottle of fine Canadian wine from the Church and State vineyard on Vancouver Island, we sat and chatted, gazed out at the stars twinkling in the sky above and enjoyed fine cuisine. We shared a salad and C.C. delved into a main course of rib-eye Elk steak with cranberry confit while I nibbled at a spinach gnocchi appetizer.

Our cabin is a three minute walk from the main lodge. Overlooking the lake, bracketed by fir trees, it is quiet, serene, peaceful. Big stone fireplace. A cheese tray. Blinds open so we can see out into the night, we while away the hours talking and enjoying each others company.

In the glow of the firelight, we sip the rest of our wine and I ask C.C. to tell me something about him I don't know. He pauses. Thinks. And, then shares an enticing, interesting piece of his dreams. And in the quiet following his revelation, I wait for him to ask me to reciprocate.

"I notice you do that fairly often," I comment. "After I've asked a question of you, you don't ask back."

"I know," he replied. "I'm content with what I know about you. Peaceful. I don't want to disturb the status quo."

"Are you worried that what I might tell you will lessen me in your eyes?"

"No," he replies. "That's not possible. I'm just worried I won't know what to do with the information."

Accepting status quo. Challenging the space between status quo and intimacy.

It is a part of me that has always driven my mother crazy. "Why can't you just accept what is without having to keep digging deeper?" she asked through most of my life. "Why can't you just let things be?"

Let it be.

I have always been challenged by that admonishment. Let it be. What am I supposed to "Let Be" I've always wondered.

Let harsh words be. Let anger be. Let what you did be the last thing you did upon which you build the next moment of our relationship.

I'm not good with 'Let it be' when let it be is filled with the fear that there is nothing else to be said other than, it can be no other way. When Let it Be doesn't leave room for acknowledgement, amends, forgiveness.

I fear the what if's...

What if in letting it be I'm saying, it's okay to drink too much. Fight. Say mean things. Abuse.

What if in letting it be I make it okay for you to behave in unacceptable ways in my life?

What if.... Let it be really means, leave me alone. Don't bug me. Don't be a pest.

Sitting in this room of comfy couches and antique furnishings and golden wall sconces fanning their light out like angels wings unfurling onto the caramel walls above them, and a fire sparking in the huge stone fireplace and snow quietly drifting down outside the window, I slip into 'Let it Be' okay to just be in this moment. I breathe a quiet sigh of contentment.

I've never had issues with letting it be as long as Let it Be wasn't an invitation to carry the shame and sorrow, regrets and trauma of past mistakes, of missteps, of leaving the things we did that hurt the one's we loved unsaid and unforgiven.

There is no shame in making mistakes. The shame is when we let our mistakes limit our possibilities for growth, for forgiveness, for intimacy.

Let it Be.

Fall gracefully into acceptance, open up to the thought, the idea, the realization that all is well in my world, all is well with my soul, when I open myself up to 'all' that is without judgement, criticism, or condemnation.

Sitting in this quiet corner of the world, morning light shrouded through clouds billowing about the peaks surrounding me, I embrace my world and Let it Be.

What if.... to Let it Be is to step beyond the status quo into that space where we open up to total acceptance of who we are, who the other is, and all that is between us without fearing we are not enough just the way we are?

What if... serenity exists in knowing 'the other', or, 'our beloved' in all their facets. Good. Not so pretty. And just the way they are when their soul-light becomes all they need to light up our hearts.

What if... the challenge isn't in the question to Let it Be. It's in accepting ourselves with loving hearts so that we can accept the other into our hearts without fear they will walk away, stomple upon our dreams, or simply dismiss our fears, our insecurities, our foibles with a wave of their hand and a 'don't be silly'?

My mother always believed I was trying to create waves. To disturb her hard won peace of mind with my insistence that we delve into the unspoken.

In my insistence she was wrong to not talk about unsettling moments, I created a lose/lose situation where neither of us opened up to the possibility of more in our relationship. In my insistence we 'talk it out' and her insistence it was best left unsaid, forgotten, buried in the past, we stepped away from common ground into that place where I felt unheard and frightened that what had been will be again, and where she felt battered by my words and fearful that what was could only never be again as long as she didn't see it ever happened.

I listened to C.C.'s response to my question last night and smiled in the enveloping glow of the firelit room. "I love you," I whispered and fell asleep in the loving embrace of his arms.