Letting go to hold onto Love

May I have complete and compassionate acceptance of what is instead of wishing things were different. A Zen prayer

In the Reflection portion of the Child of Light Advent course I am taking online, moderator Beth Richardson's invitation is to: "Make a list of any fears and concerns you feel today. Read through the list and ask God to take each worry, each concern, and fill you with trust. Use the prayer, "God, I give you "this worry". Shine your light on "this worry" and fill me with trust in you." 


I struggle with trust in God. Which I find frustrating and enlightening of the depth of my fear of trusting in God. 


I have no issue trusting in the security of the Internet with my credit card information. Or trusting in other drivers on the road to stick to their lanes, or in trusting a doctor, or dentist, or even my hairstylist not to make a complete botch of their job. I trust I will awaken in the morning, that the lights will turn on and water flow through the tap. I trust when I open the fridge the food will be cold and when I put bread in the toaster it will be toasted to perfection. I trust in my government to do the right thing (okay well maybe that's stretching it a little bit -- they are human) and I trust in banks and other institutions to protect my interests (right, human too). I trust in my employer to pay me at the end of each month, in my case at the end of this month and then never more. And that's okay because I trust that I have the talent and the gifts and relationships and the business acumen to build my own business. I trust business will come. That others will trust me to take care of their business. 


 I trust in my daily life because I must. There is no other way. 


 But trust in God? I don't think so. I mean, I can't even see him and seriously? He's the guy who let's the heavens fall with such force flash flooding sweeps away entire villages. 


And he's the one who let's innocent children become soldiers who kill their families and other children and strangers too. 


And he's the one who didn't stop a young boy from killing his girlfriend and three strangers and who didn't stop one man from killing over 60 prostitutes and one woman from drowning her children. 


 And really, if he can't stop one woman from killing her babies, why should I trust him? 


And the voice whispers, because you must. There is no other way. 


Oh god how I hate that voice. it won't leave me alone. And my voice, the one that convinced me to believe in a man who promised to love me 'til death do us part and got really busy on making the death part work, and the one who believed she couldn't make her dreams come true and who once gave up on her children... yeah, that inner voice I trust so much that let me down so many times screams back, there has to be another way.


Of course there has to be another way! If God can't create a world of Peace. Hope. Love and Joy why should I trust him?

That's why it's called a Leap of Faith Louise, the other voice, the one that likes to gently coax me to trust in God, whispers, Because trusting in a Divine presence is all there is to hold onto in a world of chaos, a world of miracles and light, darkness and sorrow. A world where we, the human beings who have created everything on this planet -- except the birds and the bees and the trees and the streams  -- have also created things called war and hatred and ugly Christmas sweaters -- but we won't go there, that one's too deep to fathom.

Seriously Louise. Who? What? How? When? are you going to give up distrusting the Universe and believe in something bigger than yourself?

When are you going to let go and Let God?

Good question for this morning where I sit in the quiet of my home, the Christmas tree lights twinkling, Ellie sleeping by my feet, the hum of my computer the only sound.

Good question for any morning when I awaken to find the world is as I left it when I fell asleep the night before. The world is as it is. Not as I would like it to be.

And then I sigh. A deep soul-wrenching sigh.

My angst is not because there isn't a God, or a sentient being of light in the world.

My angst is because I want to be in control and to have control I must fight believing in something greater than my mere presence in the world. And it's deeper than that. My angst is because I fight holding onto anything, including Love.

I breathe and hold out my hand. I breathe and hold out my heart. I breathe and let go of my hold on anything other than Love.

I breathe and Love enters and I know -- all is well in my world when I let go of believing I have control of my world.

I don't need control. All I need is Love.

And in that Love, God shines.