Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I am not a disappointment

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. -- Zora Neale Hurston
When I was a child, I often felt like 'the disappointment' in my family. Like I didn't fit in. Danced to a different drummer, heard a different note, saw a different movie of life. I often felt that what I did wasn't what they expected, or wanted, even when I ensured I was on the honour roll, up on stage, doing things that would get me noticed. It didn't seem to matter. In my mind, I knew, believed, lived what I perceived to be the truth -- I was a disappointment to them. I was outside looking in on their circle of love and trust.

I carried those feelings into adulthood and, though they didn't sit well within me, I held onto the feeling of 'being a disappointment' in ways that disturbed the ebb and flow of my life. I held on so tightly to the belief, "I am a disappointment', I made it my truth and ended up disappointing and hurting, the one's I love the most.

It was the grace of my daughters' love, the healing balm of their forgiveness that helped soothe the troubled waters. That eased the burden of my feelings of being a disappointment to everyone, including myself.

In the waters of forgiveness, disappointment waned and love flowed and in that healing space, the past rolled away and I was left with the truth -- I am not a disappointment. My family never intended for me to feel like I was, or to believe it was true. It was a child's mind trying to make sense of the ebbs and flows of life in a family where time and money and understanding were in short supply with the demands and exigencies of life. The seeds of my disappointment were planted long before I understood -- families do the things they do, not because they don't love you, but rather, because it's all they know how to do, they're doing the best they can.

Getting over the disappointment of not getting what I wanted or needed way back then is my responsibility today. Not anyone else's. No one is to blame. No one is accountable for my feelings of 'being a disappointment' today, other than me -- and seriously? Why would I want to believe or act out on that lie?  Acting out on the belief, I am a disappointment, only gets me more disappointment and dissatisfaction in my life today. And I am committed to being my light, shining bright and sharing my brilliance without fear of never being enough. Truth is... I do enough. I give enough. I am enough.

It's a tough little word that word 'disappoint'. When I hang onto it, I make it mine. And frankly, I don't want it!  Don't need it and definitely don't want it to be my truth today, though I'm grateful I got to chew on it for awhile and set the record straight. It's lead me once again to my truth, to what is real and affirming and what makes my rich and fulfilling today...

 I am Love and love becomes me.  

Just like Love becomes you! And you! And you!



It's another Blog Carnival Tuesday over at Peter Pollock's place and.. you've probably guessed it by now -- today's one word prompt is... 'Disappoint'.

You can write along, or simply read along by visiting Peter's place and the Blog Carnival. I promise. You won't be disappointed!


Peter P said...

"Truth is... I do enough. I give enough. I am enough."

Do I?

Louise Gallagher said...

Yes Peter. You do! and You are.

A Joyful Noise said...

It is easy to see why you are a living truth example and are able to help others find their joy. I enjoyed your excellent story of how you believed what you perceived but in time you discovered the lie and instead embraced truth.

sharmishtha said...

I know what you are talking about. I have felt like that since childhood and still do.

love and hugs.

Jennifer Richardson said...

"disappoint"....such a heavy
little word.
I remember a wise man telling me,
when I was weighed down achy
with the burden if it,
to shake off the "appointment"
that had come from those
who didn't clearly see or know
my heart.
False expectations had appointed
things to me
and I had every right to
dis-appoint them.
To set my own sails
to the winds of my choosing
and learn what I needed to learn
at my own pace.
Gaaaaah, the relief
of being free from those kinds
of appointments!
There is something delicious
and healthy
about embracing our freedom
to dis-appoint:)
love and peace to you, friend,

caryjo said...

It is so easy and so often to feel that somehow we are not good enough, or strong enough... or worth enough... to keep others pleased and happy to have us around. I walked through of that before. Probably a bit of it today, even. My husband and my Susie and a few others turn that knee-jerk reaction around, and I'm very blessed and grateful. AND I know that when those disappointing/-ed "feelings" hit, they are NOT attached to my Lord, but to my "humanity". So, I simply need to turn it over to Him and the healing can come and the blessing will fill... and the disappointment will go away. Thanks for your sharing heart.

Megan Willome said...

Struggling with this now, with my husband and kids.

Jerry said...

Down with self disappointment!
Up with your divine appointment...Love!
Thanks for sharing your process.