I came home

Every morning I pull a card from my Caroline Myss/Peter Occhiogrosso Healing Cards deck. I let that card be my guide for the day, allowing its insights to direct my spiritual unfolding.

And while the message on the front of the card resonated, "Everything lost is found again; everything hurt is healed again." it was the clarification on the back of the card that rocked my world. "This truth has the power to retrieve a part of your spirit from the past. It's a mantra that's strong enough to overcome past injuries. This will be your constant thought today."

And while the thought may not have been constant throughout the day, it definitely resonated often. I kept coming back to the idea of 'retrieving a part of my spirit from the past.' That statement has deep, deep meaning for me.

B.C. (before Conrad -- the relationship from hell) I had a deep sense of spiritual connection. A deep and abiding belief in the miraculous nature of humankind and our universe. I was on the path and shining in its light.

And then, I got lost on the road to hell. One of the most challenging aspects of that journey was the  spiritual rape I experienced. I felt like my very essence, my beliefs, my knowing was ripped away and I struggled to reclaim that aspect of my being that was stolen from me.

Over these past almost nine years since his arrest and my release from that relationship, I have healed and grown and moved beyond the sadness and trauma of those events. But still that sense of caution, that sense of fearing reclaiming my spiritual essence has burbled just beneath the surface of my being One in this universal Love that is All.

I have resisted. I have hesitated to trust the Universe, to give over my will to being One with the One.

Last night at meditation I felt it. I felt the shift, the opening, the knowing, the becoming One. I felt it and knew it and experienced it and danced in the wonder of it and cried in the beauty of its rapturous embrace.

And after the session, when Dal, our guide asked me, "What do you know?", I knew. I knew I am a spiritual being of light. That we are all spiritual beings of light. There were moments in the meditation process (and yes, it was very active!) when I felt my resistance to surrender absolutely pulsing with fear.  And the 'voice' kept calling, "Surrender your will. Surrender." and I kept resisting until I could resist no longer. I had choose. Let go or fall into the darkness. I let go and I danced.

"It was never lost," Dal said when I expressed my sorrow over having lost my spiritual essence through that journey through hell. "Soul is never lost. It is always there, always waiting, always ready for us to quit resisting.

And it was. There. Waiting. Ready. Willing to receive my letting go and surrendering to Love.

Everything lost is found again; everything hurt is healed again.

I came home last night.

And I am joyful.

Namaste.