On November 18th I was one of 10 speakers at TEDxCalgary. Yesterday, the link to the videos arrived in my Inbox.
The timing was perfect.
Last night, I had two girlfriends coming over to watch "Devil in a Pinstripe Suit", the story of my ride to hell that is part of the documentary series, The Devil You Know.
I was nervous.
The story focuses almost entirely on those dark dismal days of that relationship. It's definitely not a pretty story and I definitely don't look 'so good' in it -- and of course, there's the matter of that thirty pounds that likes to hug my body...
Getting the link to my talk at TEDxCalgary was reassuring. I could show it first -- and talk about how far I've come since those dark days! bonus!
Except... those thirty pounds still linger.
Do you see the theme here?
I'm overshadowing all that happened, and all that I've done to reclaim my life since those events which tore apart my life and the lives of those I love, with a mere thirty pounds. I'm letting a mere thirty pounds hold me down from revelling in the joy and wonder of having come so far from those moments of despair when all I could really think about was letting go of gravity to fall into the muck and mire at the bottom of a river.
And the Universe smiles and the stars align.
Yesterday, before I found the email with the link in my Inbox, I went for a biofeedback session with a nutritionist and to set-up a food plan that would help me shed the pounds with grace and ease. I'd already shed some of my angst around the thirty just by acknowledging I want to do this... not to make myself 'look' better, but to help myself feel better -- from the inside out. It isn't that I think I look ugly, it is that I feel heavy, sluggish, unfit dragging these extra pounds around.
And so, by the time my girlfriends arrived to watch the documentary, I was feeling less oppressed by my weight and more optimistic about my new regime of taking care of me, from the inside out.
Oh, and as to watching the documentary. It was a good thing to do. It too helped me shed some of the heaviness that has settled in my gut at the thought of sharing that journey with people who know me today and didn't know me then! -- it is ultimately all about the ego isn't it? It's all about -- oh my, will I look bad to them -- not because of the weight, but rather because of what I did/experienced/went through/how stupid I was, yada yada yada. And, if I look bad to them, will they judge me? Will they still love me?
Those tapes, those fears of what will they think/do have nothing to do with who I am or who they are. They are all about what I fear. And what I fear is nothing compared to who I am when I let go of what other people think about me and leap into the joy of knowing -- I am a magnificent human being, a woman of wonder and joy, a fearless woman on the journey of her lifetime -- no matter how much I weigh, or how I look, or what I've done in the past.
I spent the evening last night with two amazing women and it was, in the end, the thing I feared the most -- all about me.
And that was okay.
They had come to make it all about me. they had asked if they could come and watch the documentary. And seriously? A documentary in which I am featured is a story all about me -- lol -- Who was I trying to kid? They had asked to do this and I was trying to ignore the grace and generosity of their gesture by not wanting to make it all about me.
So... here's all about me. And here's to all about you. Let's all make our lives about ourselves -- and how we can shine most! let's make our stories all about us so that each of us can be our most magnificent selves!
And, here's the TEDxCalgary talk I presented on November 18.
And this is the link to all ten talks -- you'll be inspired!